I was going to extoll the virtues of music and its impact in my life, but unfortunately, my day (well, two days) were upended by Asperger’s. You see, one of the worst things that can happen to an Aspergerian person (if that’s what you call it) is they have to change their plans. This can show up in larger ways, like, say, having to work on your day off (like I did on Sunday, which is now officially football-only day even though I hate the NFL and what football has become) or in small ways, like, say, not being able to eat cottage cheese and kiwi after playing a show because we’re out of kiwis; true story. But, the sad thing is that both things are often equal to the Aspergian mind, as illustrated by this Sunday, where I had to work on a podcast instead of relax, and Thursday, where I had to eat cottage cheese without kiwi since someone ate the two I was saving…
But, this is one of the downsides of having Asperger’s. I’ve noted the upsides a few different times on this blog, and I actually believe having Asperger’s is generally a good thing, like probably 70% of the time. It helps me focus on myself and my art by not caring what others think. It helps me eliminate mindless decisions, as too many decisions leads to fatigue. It helps me focus on tasks with its borderline obsessive nature. But, it also takes the smallest things and renders me in almost complete Aspergian panic mode. Here’s an example:
Tonight, I was at a songwriters meeting. I have never attended a meeting by this group so I had no idea what to expect. My wife said I should be prepared to play a song as they often have new members play so they can give notes, give praise and/or just support each other. I was reticent as I was just attending to see what the meeting and the group was all about. Needless to say, they asked me to play a song. I didn’t want to but obliged. As my turn came up, I couldn’t think of what song I wanted to play because I was so in my head about having to play in the first place. I didn’t want to. I stepped in front of the microphone and gave an intro/backstory for a song I thought I was going to play and… played something else. I’m not sure why or how I landed on the song. It was a surprise to me and I could barely find the words to the song as I didn’t know what was happening. This wasn’t the song I wanted to play (or the song I’d intro’d) so I couldn’t keep up with the song. Since the speaker was on my right (my bad/Meniere’s ear), I started to have issues with hearing and worried I’d have a vertigo attack. I played and sang it about as poorly as I had in years. Since I play so often, it wasn’t unlistenable by any means, but it was in no way representative of my abilities and, since I had no idea what was happening, I was only along for the ride rather than controlling the performance. It felt weird. I felt disappointed in myself. I didn’t play or sing as well as I’d like and I should have known to have a song ready. I was angry until I got home turned on the TV to see Deshaun Watson and the Texans score a touchdown in 13 seconds only to see the Saints (whom I fucking hate, I’ll never forgive them for Bountygate and for essentially ending Brett Favre’s career, even though it was on the Vikings…) come back and win. Now, I was more mad about this than at myself for failing to perform to my standards.
My wife asked me why I was aggravated to begin with. Everyone has an off night. I’d been awake since 4am (thanks to my cat), which means I only got 2-3 hours of sleep so I shouldn’t have expected a brilliant performance from myself. But, that’s not how it works. I get aggravated when I have an off night practicing in my apartment. I’ve never expected perfection, but I know what I’m capable of and hate when I fall short. I especially hate when I fall short due to my mindset/Asperger’s. I hate that it can derail a simple thing like singing a song I’ve sang hundreds of times. Or when It makes me have a fight with my wife because I forgot to do something and now I’m just angry at everything. It sucks. But, even though I’m aware of it most of the time, that doesn’t mean I can control it. It still is what it is. It still controls me even when I know it’s happening. Just because you know it’s going to rain, doesn’t mean you can do much besides try and prepare yourself. But even then, it’s much stronger than I often realize and I still have Asperger’s whether I see it or not. Often, I know I’m doing its bidding but can’t do anything to change my behavior. It’s a helpless feeling. At least it doesn’t lay me up in bed for hours on end like Meniere’s…
I wish I had a great moral or ending to this story but it’s just another in a long line of Asperger’s moments. At least I didn’t have a full on yelling at myself, squeezing my head with my fists while my body shuts down and I literally (yes, literally) cannot move for who knows how long; so I got that going for me, which is nice…
Sorry for the short blog, but it’s so late and I’m already so tired. One thing they don’t tell you is how exhausting having an Asperger’s attack is. Although, I doubt that would help anything anyways…
(dictated but not read)