My favorite albums that are all hits, no misses (part I)... aka... music is an amazing and mysterious thing...

Wow, it’s been a while. Sorry, internet friends. July was such a hectic month. From rehearsals for shows, to prepping for my trip back to WI by getting two extra weeks worth of work done beforehand, to driving to and from WI and getting to spend some time with my brother for the first time in almost three year; July was a hell of a month. Also had some really fun shows but man did July come with counter-punches. I blew out a tire in the middle of nowhere Indiana (it was pretty much my fault though, so…), learned how to put on a spare and got to spend a morning at a Pep Boys (thank you Pep Boys in Franklin, IN for bumping me up in the queue so I could get back on the road that afternoon). It also turns out driving 9 hours a day is not fun and not a thing that someone with ADHD, at least in my case, is good at. And one thing I’ve learned by driving the 1000+ miles to WI and the 1000+ back is that Joe Biden better get this infrastructure bill passed soon because our roads suck. And can someone please figure out a way to not have to drive right through Chicago when passing by? I can’t believe there’s not a bypass to go around that fucking mess of city. Of course, most of my hatred for Chicago comes from the Bears and the Cubs, so… I actually have a lot of fun whenever I visit.

Oh, and I got Covid for a second time during the trip. Luckily, because of the vaccine, I barely noticed and had only one day where I felt sorta blah. It mostly felt like maybe I worked out a little too hard the day before or had one too many the night before. But I knew something was up when my apartment got to 80 degrees and I didn’t feel warm; so I guess I had a minor fever too. But with my two bouts of Covid and two shots, I should be done with this until next year, I hope, maybe, please (knocks on wood)… Last year, it leveled me and I was out for 3-4 days where I could barely eat or sleep between the fever, nausea, excruciating muscle pain, etc. so it seems like the jab did its job. Stay safe people…

Anyways, I wanted to take my mind off of all that today and just talk music. Specifically, a really fun question my brother recently posed to me: what are your top albums that you consider all hits and no misses? Basically, your favorite albums start to finish. I definitely had to think for a few minutes on that one. Then, I thought some more. Then, I decided I’d jump on here and suss out my thoughts because why waste time researching and putting together a definitive list when you can just see what the first ones that come to mind are? Yeah, that sounds more like the Bradley Wik way. I’m either all in or all out. Either I spend the next week researching this or I just go for it. Nike has spent millions of dollars insisting I “just do it” so I guess I’ll take that advice today.

No research needed for the first ones on this list as they’re my 2 favorite records of all-time. I’ll probably end up writing two or three of these blog posts as I know I tend to get long winded when I’m writing about my favorite music. I’ll be listing my favorite and least favorite song from the album and I’ll be giving an explanation as to why each album is on the list. I’ll also be covering what the album means to me as a piece of art in conjunction with when it came into my life. Context has proven to mean a lot to me in regards to my love of certain music. As it is with falling in love and trying to pick out fruit, timing can be everything.

Born to Run - Bruce Springsteen

Favorite song: Born to Run

Least favorite song: Meeting Across the River

Where better to start than with my favorite album of all-time? My love for this album runs deep. It was a transformational album in my life and probably the main reason I play Rock ‘n’ Roll music today. I’ve written at length about how this album was my madeleine-dipped-in-tea moment. If you’re not a fan of Proust, and most aren’t, what I mean by that is listening to Born to Run for the first time made my brain explode with all sorts of new thoughts and emotions that I had never experienced before. I couldn’t fathom what was happening. I felt overwhelmed with a newfound joy that had been stirred up inside me.

For context, I think I was 16 years old. I had likely heard the song Born to Run on the radio at some point but never really listened to Bruce until then. I had just gotten my grandma’s old turntable (one of those huge wooden ones with the speakers built in where you can close the lid and use it as a buffet table during Christmas or Thanksgiving gatherings…) and Born to Run was one of the few records I grabbed from my mom’s collection to test it out. I’ll never forget the first time I played that album. I put the album on upside down so the song Born to Run instantly came bursting out of the speakers. I had never really listened to vinyl, so not only was the music blowing me away but the sound was as well. I closed my eyes. Everything sounded so real and three dimensional and it felt like Bruce and the band were playing right there in my tiny bedroom. I probably listened to that record a dozen more times that day. The music, the stories, the production; everything was just perfect. Well, except I wasn’t immediately in love with Meeting Across the River. That one took some time to come around on. But, I’ve come to love it and can’t imagine this album without it now. You need that jazzy little story-driven vignette before launching into the epicness of Jungleland.

Born to Run was the record that made me want to be a Rock ‘n’ Roll bandleader. Up until then, I was determined to become the next Angus Young. I had no natural talent for music in any form but figured with enough work I could learn the guitar. I knew I would never be Jimi Hendrix since I had no natural talent but Angus seemed a little more achievable. You know? Just one of the greatest Rock guitarists of all-time but not the greatest. I had reasonable expectations for myself….

But when I heard Bruce, I wanted to sing. Only I had never really thought about doing that before. And that was for one simple reason: I couldn’t sing. Like, at all. And when I say I couldn’t sing, I really, really mean I couldn’t sing. So, how was I going to learn how to sing? Join the choir or hire a teacher and learn scales and shit? This is Rock ‘n’ Roll. My plan was simple: I played Bruce Springsteen records and tried to emulate him. I focused on his live albums the most. And I did this for hours and hours on end, almost every day for years. It’s no wonder that after one of my first shows with a band, someone gave us a review (which is weird to say now. Do people still do live show reviews? Are there still any local music/arts newspapers with people dedicated to live music?) where they said I was a cheap Springsteen knockoff that needed to figure out why anyone should listen to me instead of the real thing. My bandmates thought I’d be crushed. I wasn’t. I thought getting even to the level of “cheap Springsteen knockoff” was an achievement unto itself considering where I had started, which was as a guy who was all thumbs on the guitar and whose singing might be rightfully misidentified as someone being tortured, when, in fact, it was I who was torturing them with my horrendous caterwauling.

But, I’ve written so much about Springsteen over the years, I’m just gonna stop there and make this entry short and sweet. If you want to read a (very) long account of why I love this album and why I play music in general, you can find that HERE. It’s probably the best blog post I’ve written so it’s probably worth a few minutes of your time.

Blood on the Tracks - Bob Dylan

Favorite song: Idiot Wind

Least favorite song: Meet Me in the Morning

Anyone who tries to convince you that Blonde on Blonde or Freewheelin’ or Bringing It All Back Home or Highway 61 Revisited is better than this album is nuts. I’m just going to start there. Blood on the Tracks is hands down the greatest Dylan record there is. I’ll accept if you prefer another album and I’ll hear your arguments, and probably even agree with some of them. Hell, I probably put on Blonde on Blonde more than this album. Though lately, I’ve been on more of a Highway 61 kick. But every time I come back to Blood on the Tracks, I’m blown away by how amazing this album truly is. That’s why it’s #2 on my all-time list, just slightly edging out another Springsteen album, Darkness on the Edge of Town, for that spot.

I got really into Dylan in middle school and then became full on obsessed by the time I got to high school. Before Dylan, I liked music but spent more of of my free time reading rather than listening to music. Kurt Vonnegut was my first non-sports hero. I gobbled up his books at breakneck pace, eventually coming to own what I think is every book he wrote. I was fascinated by the way he told his stories and how he created his worlds. His characters, even the minor ones, were just so fucking interesting. There’s more than a few of his books that would make my top 25 books of all-time, if I ever made such a list. I didn’t think anyone had a better grasp of the English language or could manipulate it in such magical ways…until I heard Bob Dylan.

Like a lot of people, my first dalliance with Dylan was probably via Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door or Like a Rolling Stone being played on the radio. And while those songs typify Dylan to many, they didn’t quite grab me initially. I love both songs now and have actually covered both in bands over the years, but at the time they just didn’t quite pop for me. Knockin’ was an out of context song from a movie soundtrack and the grandiosity of Like a Rolling Stone didn’t really come through the 3” speaker on my little radio. But then I heard Mr. Tambourine Man. Everything changed. The simplicity of the guitar under that mountain of poetic imagery stopped me in my tracks. I had to hear more of this.

Sorry this just popped into my head and I wanted to tell you before I forgot. Here’s a funny example of the way my Asperger’s brain works sometimes. It might seem meandering but that’s how my brain works.

We didn’t have a lot of money when I was growing up so I didn’t really own many CD’s until I was like 14 or 15 and I could afford to buy them myself. And I never really got into Napster and the whole illegal music thing. I would eventually download my fair share of music but it was mostly live bootlegs or like the weird European re-release of something that featured an extra song or two. So, if I wanted to hear a song on demand, I had to do the old school wait until a song was on the radio and tape it. After I had heard Mr. Tambourine Man I wanted to get that one on a tape as soon as possible. So, every day when I got home from school, I ran upstairs and flipped on my radio and waited for it to come on. I listened and listened and listened but it didn’t come on again for days, might have even been weeks. Then one day I was vacuuming the stairs and heard that opening chorus coming from the stereo in my room. But I couldn’t leave the vacuum as it would fall down the stairs so I had to shut off the vacuum run it back down the stairs and then sprint back up the stairs to hit the record button. If stair climbing was an Olympic sport I could’ve medalled that day. But, because I had to do that I missed recording that opening chorus. Now, that was probably 15 or 16 years ago at this point and that tape is long gone, but to this day when I play Mr. Tambourine Man live at shows, which I do sometimes, I sometimes forget to play that first chorus because that’s the way my brain remembers it from that stupid fucking tape. Anyways, back to Dylan.

I decided to start listening to all of his records in chronological order. It’s something I’ve done with a few bands now and it’s a really interesting way to consume a catalog. It’s like you’re taking the artistic journey along with the artist but on a super sped up timeline. I’ll start with their debut album and listen to nothing but that album for like two weeks or a month, depending on how much I like it, then move on to the next one and then the next one. Of all the artists I’ve done this with, Dylan’s artistic journey was the most fascinating, with the Beatles probably number two behind him. From those early folk standards and his own cheap knockoff imitations of them to then becoming the greatest folk singer of all-time. Then, there’s that incredible mid-60’s run up until his motorcycle accident. Then he comes back with a new voice and a country record. Then he puts out a couple of albums that are incredibly mediocre and it seems like he’s forgotten how to write a song (the one exception I’ll give to those records is they did spawn The Man in Me, which is a song I can’t imagine the Big Lebowski without. So, worth it, I guess?). Then he hides away in upstate New York and has that enormous set of bootlegs and releases some live stuff. Then almost out of nowhere this album hits. It’s almost ten years between Blonde on Blonde and Blood on the Tracks. It sure seemed like he had lost his fastball and was just going to be a good but not great songwriter the rest of his career. Sure, John Wesley Harding has some great moments, Nashville Skyline is fun and Self Portrait and New Morning…um, exist…but none are even in the same league as Blonde on Blonde and those earlier records. So, when I came upon this I was on the verge of giving up on his stuff post the 60’s. I’m so glad I didn’t. I had heard that this was a great one but after those other records I started questioning the people who kept telling me to just wait until I get to Blood on the Tracks, I’ll love it.

Blood on the Tracks redefined what I thought folk and folk-rock music could be. I didn’t know this level existed. He somehow found his old level of songwriting, with all that incredible imagery and storytelling, and added in so much more emotion and soul to it (I’m sure writing an album about your recent divorce would bring that out of you). His characters became much more human and multi-dimensional, rather than just another Ophelia ‘neath a window or an updated John the Baptist after torturing a thief. I could really feel the stories he was telling on this album; which itself is not an easy thing for a person with Asperger’s, such as myself. And the way he balanced those stripped down, emotional songs from the New York session with the more upbeat band tunes he did in Minneapolis is just perfect. I’m really big into the track sequencing of albums and this is one of the best, if not the best, out there in terms of not only getting the right songs but using the order of them to tell a story unto itself.

One of the other thing that makes this album so great is that I can’t picture most of these songs on a different album. These tunes are so unique and they can only exist on Blood on the Tracks. Sure, there’s a couple of his more standard fare in Lily, Rosemary and the Jack of Hearts and Meet Me in the Morning, but I can’t picture the others in any other packaging.

I could write an entire blog post just about this album, and I practically have, so I think I’ll end it there.

So, those are the first two. I have at least a few more in mind, so keep an eye out for those. And don’t worry, you won’t have to wait over a month for the next post…

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Why I play music... aka... how a kid with Asperger's learned to connect with the world... Part 1

I was recently asked one of my favorite questions: why do I play music?

I’ll answer that in a second, but it is funny that when talking about music with others, it usually falls into one of two categories:

1) Why I love music and why being a musician is awesome

OR

2) Why I hate music and why being a musician sucks

When talking about number one, I extol the virtues and many gifts music has given me. The stories, the emotions, the connections to other humans (more on this in a bit), the comfort I receive from hearing a familiar album, the way it allows me to process my own emotions, the way music connects me to my past (I have terrible recall for my past, so I use music as my historical checkpoints. For instance, if someone asked me what I was up to in 2003-2004, I could probably muster up a few things but it would hardly be a complete answer. But, if you asked me about the time when I was obsessed with Arcade Fire’s “Funeral,” Sun Kil Moon’s “Ghosts of the Great Highway” and Death Cab for Cutie’s “Transatlanticism,” I could run you through a huge list of connected memories from that time in my life. I know there’s more than a few of you out there who can relate.), how music saved my life and gave me a purpose when I desperately needed a reason to stop thinking about killing myself, and on and on. Music has given me everything. It’s given me so many wonderful memories. It is the reason I met the friends I have. It is the reason I met my wife It’s literally the reason I’m writing this right now.

Being a musician allows me to live the lifestyle that feels most natural to me. No one criticizes me anymore for having longer, messy hair or not showering every day or waking up at 10:30am or spending too much time playing guitar/singing or RANTING ABOUT RANDOM THINGS or any of the other reasons people used to think I was weird. Now, people accept those things because I’m an “artist.” It’s great.

BUT, when talking about number two (ha! Insert poop joke here), which is usually with other musicians, I talk about the false promises music has made to me, how the industry has changed so drastically, and for the worse, in my lifetime, how I wish I could go back in time and tell myself everything I know now, and maybe persuade my younger self to choose something else to obsessively pursue, how I wish I could separate my self-identity from music but it’s tentacles have wrapped and swallowed up most of my insides, in both a good and bad way, how thinking about my future with music makes me so hopeful-yet-depressed, and all the other reasons my fellow musicians and I usually throw out as to why we should quit music (but, ultimately, never will).

As I stated before, being a musician allows me to live the lifestyle that feels most natural to me. Unfortunately, that also includes lots of bad habits and has lead to a number of terrible decisions over the years. Drinking too much, drugs, ill-advised sexual adventures, deep and cyclical depression, the disintegration of relationships, the inability to stay in one place for very long, etc., etc. Music giveth and music taketh away. Everything in life always comes to balance. The higher the highs, the lower the lows, and so it goes…

Usually, when talking about number two (ha! Bet you didn’t think I’d say it again but now you’re thinking about poop for a second time!), it will slowly morph back into number one. I don’t know for sure whether this is because at the root of it all we really do love music unconditionally or if it’s because we are trying to justify our commitment to music and all the years/time/energy/money we have already invested in it. I’d like to say the former but I don’t know if I can say that unequivocally…

Which brings us back to the original premise: why do I play music?

As far back as I can remember (which usually goes back to about age 5-6, when I would spend all day either trying to recreate Michael Jackson’s dance moves from “Bad” in the living room or running around the backyard all day with a plastic ninja sword pretending to be Leonardo, the leader of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles…), I always felt a little different from other kids. Obviously, at that time, I was unable to articulate those feelings or thoughts in any meaningful way. When I started going to school, I remember starting to become more aware of it. So did others. But, remember, this was way before anyone was really thinking about how kids acted in a clinical way. It was either they were smart, dumb, hyperactive, disruptive, lazy, etc. and the kids who did receive any special attention were the ones who were severely learning disabled. Even our tiny town had a learning disabilities class, which is incredible (and so was the woman who ran it) given that our entire K-8 school housed maybe 400-500 students. But, any other kid that displayed “not normal” behavior was usually labeled slow, was told they had ADD (attention deficit disorder, before they added that “H” to it) and moved to the redundant class. I was also lumped into this group, at least for a bit.

Soon, after some additional testing and the incredible support from my mom, they concluded I should actually be taking advanced classes instead of being moved to the slower class. They landed on the fact that I was disruptive because I was bored and I didn’t understand why everyone wasn’t done with their work as quickly as I was. I’m not saying this brag, but to illustrate the beginning of my disconnect from the “normal” people around me which I’ve felt for a long time.

In Middle School, and especially in High School, these “outsider” type feelings really started to grow. Again, I had no way to verbalize this to anyone so they could maybe offer some suggestions or help; so, instead I retreated inward. I used to study people having conversations and try and figure out the mechanism behind it. It didn’t quite make sense to me. It was like an impossible math problem. I could talk at people but not with people. For some reason, it was hard, or almost impossible, for me to care about what anyone else was saying most of the time. Despite this, it wasn’t like I was a loner. I had plenty of friends. I was invited to parties and sleepovers and whatnot. People generally liked me. But, that was always centered around one thing: sports. Sports were my conduit and connection with others. I lived and breathed sports (Packers, Brewers and Bucks fan for life! In that order.), spent hours pouring over stats, collected massive amounts of baseball and football cards, and drew up plays in all my school notebooks. My friends and I would play sports all day, every day. Baseball season turned into Football season which turned into Basketball season which turned back in Baseball season. I could talk sports with anyone and for hours. I’m sure some people were likely sick of me talking about my beloved Green Bay Packers, and how Brett Favre was the greatest football player ever and my eternal hero (which he still is to this day). I didn’t need other hobbies or interests as sports consumed every waking moment. I was convinced I would either:

A) Become the starting shortstop for the Brewers

Or, if that didn’t work out, I’d fall back on:

B) Become a starting wide receiver for the Packers

Simple, right?

(I know, you’re probably wondering why I’m blathering about all this when the question was about music. Well, hold on to your butts, I’m almost there.)

Well, not exactly. First off, it would have been highly unlikely that a 5’7”, 120lb white kid from the sticks would be able to crack either of those major sports leagues. Not impossible per se, but not entirely possible either. Second, I had an Achilles’ tear when I was a Sophmore in High School. It wasn’t a complete tear, but it wasn’t far off. Coupled with my ongoing knee issues and my flat feet, I began to realize that sports were not likely in my future. It was a devastating blow for someone who didn’t really know much else. What would I do now? I briefly dabbled in nihilism, like a lot of High School-aged kids do, I’m sure. I had nothing left to look forward to. Things weren’t going great for ‘ol Bradley (or Brad, at the time).

When I stopped playing sports, suddenly most of my “friends” were no longer my friends. I wasn’t part of a group or team or anything. I had lost my connection to other people. Depression set in. Suddenly, that was my identity and I was really good at it. I started working at a factory so I had something to do after school. It was mostly mindless but passed the time and paid pretty damn well, especially for an unexperienced 16 year old in a small town. My coworkers became my new friends. Maybe this is what I’d do going forward. They all seemed to be doing OK. Until I started to see through that more and more. Some were. Some were not. Some were just as depressed as I was pretending not to be. There was a lot of drinking the nights away; and sometimes, the harder stuff would come out. I couldn’t do it anymore. I wanted something more. And still, through all that, I never felt like I fit in. Even with other depressed, aimless people, I was still the outsider. I told myself it was because I was destined for greater things, which turned out to be somewhat true. But, mostly, I just couldn’t feel any real connection to most of those around me. I didn’t know why and I didn’t know if anyone else felt like this. It was lonely.

It was around this time we had to take one of those stupid aptitude tests that supposedly tells you what you should be when you grow up. Most kids were already scouting out colleges at this time and I’m sure the school was trying to help them towards picking their major. (I had no path for my future, and thus, no desire to go to college. I viewed it as a waste of time. And, it would have been had I gone.) But, as is often the case with standardized personality/trait tests like that, my answers were so erratic and diametrically opposed that it could not reasonably spit out an answer as I was seemingly two separate people. There was the loud, boisterous Brad who thought speech class was the best because everyone had to shut up, give me all their attention, and listen to me talk. There was also the Brad who preferred to hole up and read Kurt Vonnegut Jr. books, play NFL 2K (or Madden when the NFL/EA killed 2K. Sega Dreamcast for life!) for hours, and hang out with my little brother in our bedroom and not interact at all with the outside world. There was the Brad who would cut class with a small group and go get high outside the Taco Bell and devour double-decker tacos like they were going out of style. But, there was also the Brad who spent his study halls alone, practicing pep band songs on his trombone. There was the Brad that thought Metallica and AC/DC were the greatest bands in the world. But, there was also the Brad who loved Tchaikovsky and Outkast with equal vigor. So, how was this stupid test supposed to know which to choose? Which was the real Brad?

There was always one teacher who I greatly respected, had become friends with and rarely argued with (which, is a miracle, as I rarely got along with my teachers). He sat me down and said this test doesn’t work for people like me. He said the Brad he knew would never let a damn piece of paper choose his direction in life. “What are you passionate about? What do you love to do?” he asked.

The only things that came to mind were reading and listening to music, but never at the same time. I don’t know how people do that. If music is on, I can’t concentrate on other things. “Aha!" he said. “Then music it is.”

“But how?” I asked. “I can’t sing to save my life and the only instrument I can kinda play is the trombone. I wish I could play guitar…”

“Then figure it out.”

He knew what motivated me and how much I loved to be challenged. Years before, my first foray into music was short-lived. I had saved up my lawn mowing and snow shoveling money and bought myself one of those $99 specials out of the JCPenney’s catalog. Kids over the age of 30 probably remember how awesome that fucking catalog was. It would come like two or three months before Christmas so you could start dreaming of all the stuff you couldn’t have. My sister and I would earmark dozens of its 1000 pages, hoping to get at least a few of the treasures inside. But, in this case, I could finally get it on my own. I ordered it through the mail and patiently waited for it to arrive. When it finally did, I was beside myself with excitement. I was on a path to a new world! Except, I didn’t know what to do with it. We couldn’t afford lessons and I didn’t even know how to get it in tune. Eventually, I figured out that I needed to spend another $15 on a tuner. I learned how to strum a few chords but it was much harder to play than I anticipated. Both literally, as my fingers ached, and sometimes bled, each day after only a short while, and generally as I struggled to remember where my fingers were supposed to go. I gave up after only a short while. He knew that. He knew I hated struggling at things but if someone challenged me, then I had to prove them wrong at all costs. I had to go home, pick up that damn guitar and get to work.

He also played guitar and would stay after school to show me some simple things to go practice. He showed me how to play a few very basic blues and folk songs. I spent hours practicing each night. Eventually, I graduated to strumming along to Bob Dylan songs. I learned how to play “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” by Poison and would host singalongs at the few parties I was still invited to. But, this all still felt like work. I wasn’t having much fun. I still sucked, still couldn’t play anything but a few basic chords, and had no idea how I would ever turn this into a career. Then, just like what had happened back in ‘92, when Brett Favre was introduced into my life after Majkowski went down during that Bengals game, as he seemingly always did, and he brought me sports as my connection to the world around me; I would be introduced to a hero who would show me a new path to connecting to people. Going forward, that connection would be music; and that hero’s name was Bruce Springsteen.

To give you the full experience, I’ll give you the full scene. When I was 16, my grandma was getting rid of a bunch of stuff, and one of those things was her old console sized record/8-track player. It was the kind that is about four feet long and three feet high, is all made of light colored wood and closes to be like a bar top. It was so heavy, I’m still surprised we were able to get it upstairs. The wooden monstrosity took up most of one whole wall when we finally finagled it into my (and my brother’s) bedroom. I was so excited to have my own record player but didn’t own any records myself. I started going through my mom’s collection and pulled a few to try out the player with. There was Neil Young’s “Decade” collection, Fleetwood Mac’s “Rumors” and Bruce Sprinsteen’s “Born to Run.” I had heard hits from all three artists, but never really dove into their records on the whole. Once I got the record player set up and working, I put on “Decade.” It was better than I had hoped. I loved his seemingly reckless and wild style when he played with the band and I remember the song “Helpless” really hit me hard.

I got ready to fire up a second album. I chose “Born to Run.” I had heard the song “Born to Run” on the radio a few times and I liked it, but thought Springsteen was mostly for the older crowd, not 16 year olds. I was so used to CD’s where the side you play is down that I put the record on upside down (B-side up). I pushed the button to start the automatic needle drop and found a spot across the room. I sat down on the floor next to my bed, back against my dresser. I closed my eyes. The Neil Young record had felt so alive and so real, I hoped this one would feel the same way. I had heard vinyl sounded different and so far it was 1 for 1 in my real life test. The needle finally touched down and made its silent loop around the outside groove, with a few cracks and pops so you knew it had found its mark. THEN… the intro to “Born to Run” kicked in (as it’s track one on side-B) with that drum fill and then that simple yet iconic guitar riff. I got shivers. By the time the vocal kicked in, I was already in another world. I couldn’t open my eyes. My heart began to beat faster. My whole body clenched up. My brain raced. What was this I was hearing? What was this I was feeling? It felt like it was all happening in slow motion, and suddenly, I was watching myself as I sat there paralyzed by the beauty and majesty of the sound coming from those old speakers. I could feel every drum fill in my stomach. Every word was perfect, every note necessary. Elation and anxiety washed over me. I searched my mind for a comparison to this moment. I tried to figure out the math behind this feeling while the physical version of me sat, eyes closed, on the floor taking in the this wondrous music. I wanted to be like him and just let this newfound glory wash over me but something was stopping me. I couldn’t stop trying to figure out what was happening. My brain kept spinning in circles and I tried to find something, anything to help me understand. I was panicked. But, looking down, that version of me was in heaven. Why don’t I get to enjoy this as he is? It wasn’t fair. I was having a meltdown and he was calm as could be. Finally, I gave up. I closed my eyes. And then something incredible happened. I slowly felt myself rejoin my physical body. In stressful moments like this, I’ve always felt a disconnect between my brain and body. But, suddenly, int that moment, they were reconnected and my brain switched off. There was no time for thoughts when this magical music is playing. For the first time in a long time, I stopped thinking. I was just being. I was just accepting. I was just being happy in a beautiful moment. It was something I had forgotten how to do.

“Born to Run” paused my thoughts and gave me the momentary peace of mind I had been longing for. It was the thing that used to happen when I would play sports. I could just be. I didn’t have the voices constantly chattering away as I tried to figure everything out like the world was one big math problem that I needed to solve. “Born to Run” allowed me to just be me for a while. It felt like an enormous weight had been lifted off my shoulders, if only for those four and a half minutes. It was the greatest feeling in the world. Or so I thought. But, music had an even greater gift and was just waiting for me to find it.

I started the song over. Partly because I needed that feeling again. And, if I’m being honest, partly because I thought there was a skip on the record in the bridge when they do the descending line just before they all pause and wait for Bruce’s famous “1, 2, 3, 4” to storm back into the final verse. There wasn’t of course but the band hits those notes so perfectly at the end of the run, that I swore it was the same one skipping, what seven times, before resolving. This time I focused all my attention on the words. By the time he said “Baby, this town rips the bones from your back. It’s a death trap…” I felt like he was singing about me, but me in the future; and, somehow he was doing it from the past. Somehow, back in 1975, he knew exactly what 16 year old Bradley would need to hear about 20 year old Bradley 30-some years later (hopefully that makes sense). I felt everything that he felt as he sang those words with all his heart. I felt like I knew him and he knew me. Maybe I wasn’t the only one who thought and felt the way I did. Maybe someone else understood my thoughts and feelings even better than I did. I finally felt like I wasn’t alone anymore. I cried as that song played for the second time. I felt like I had found my way back home after wandering aimlessly for the past year or two after losing sports. Bruce unlocked that part of my brain and my heart that allowed me to be myself again. I owe him everything for that.

That’s what music gave to me. It made me feel “human” in a way nothing else could. I finally felt “normal.” The more music I really listened to, the more I felt like I was part of a larger world of people who knew exactly who I was. I could learn from them. They were teaching me it was OK to be myself, no matter how fucked up I felt most of the time. And whenever I was feeling bad, they gave me a place where I could leave that at the door, put on a record, and escape; even if just for a while. I knew this was what I wanted to do. I knew I wanted to give the gift of music to others. I wanted others to feel OK about being themselves because someone else out there knew exactly what they were feeling. There’s a comfort in that. It’s why people listen to sad songs to feel better. Music gives people permission to be who they are and lets them know they are not alone. I may not know Bruce Springsteen personally, but he’s given me the best friend I’ve ever had in “Born to Run.” I thought it was my duty to pay it forward. If I could make music and help one person feel less alone and less fucked up in the world, then I’ve done my life’s work.

This is why I play music: to help people, especially those who’ve lost, or still haven’t found, their connection to the world around them.

That is what music gave to me that day so many years ago. That is what I hope to give back to others.

I know a lot people who have Asperger’s/Autism might feel that same disconnect I did (and still do sometimes). But, I want them to know it’s OK and they’re not broken. And, there’s a place where you can feel at peace and at home. It’s music. And maybe for some, it isn’t music. TV also does a lesser version of this for me. TV still allows me to shut my brain off for a while so I can relax a bit (Rick & Morty for life!). It doesn’t provide the same life-giving energy that music does, but everyone is different. Maybe it’s books or movies, but these stories can help us understand ourselves better than we can alone.

OK, so I’ve just now mentioned Asperger’s in a long post about playing music and having Asperger’s. Well, there’s lots more of that coming in part 2. You see, the whole time I’ve been feeling disconnected from the world, it was really just a product of the Asperger’s. I didn’t know it then. I don’t know how I could have. No one was really talking about it much back when I was kid. They still don’t, really. I don’t think doctors, teachers, parents, etc. are given much information on Asperger’s and what to look for in identifying it early on. I don’t know what would’ve been different, if anything, had I known sooner. I, myself, have only recently found out and started learning about it. It’s been a crazy three year journey since I started learning about it and how it affects me, but my life has already changed for the better by just knowing I have it. Just as it helps me understand myself better, it also helps those around me (like my wife, friends, etc.) understand a little better why I am the way I am. I don’t think younger Brad would have been able to do much with this information. I feel like I found out at the right time in my life.

I also really want to impart that I don’t think of Asperger’s as a disability in any way. In fact, it has helped me in numerous ways in the pursuit of my musical career. I’ll talk more about this in part 2 but I don’t think I’d even have gotten into music in the first place had it not been for my Asperger’s; so I definitely think of it as a blessing. I think people will start to be able to better identify Asperger’s in kids once we stop thinking about it as a negative. Now that I understand Asperger’s (and myself) better, there’s been at least a handful of times where I wish I could tell a parent that their child is likely on the spectrum. But, even the one time I brought it up (when it was even about someone else’s kid) they were quite offended by the mere suggestion. Maybe I should just not care (as I’m good at that) and just say it anyways. But I don’t want people to think it’s an insult and then never seriously consider it for their child. They should realized it can be a good thing. It is for me. As with anything in nature, there’s always a balance. So, there will always be negatives to balance out those positives but I still think I’m much better off on the whole because I have Asperger’s. But, more on that in part 2. Stay posted…

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