I don’t really know how to get started today, so I’m just going to go for it. Obviously, there’s so much happening right now and I’m really struggling to process the accompanying emotions, as I think a lot of people are right now. I have a very difficult time with processing emotions in normal circumstances, but here we are in extraordinary circumstances. I’m literally shaking as I type right now. My body tends to get all jittery and my ADHD kicks into hyperdrive when I’m feeling what my wife, Brianne, calls “all the feelings.” I remember feeling this last on March 13th, which happened to be Friday the 13th as well. It was the day I played my last public show as a musician. I spent the day pacing the house feeling like I drank like 10 cups of coffee. Brianne kept asking “why are you so anxious about the show tonight?” But, it had nothing to do with that. Only hours before, the president declared a national state of emergency. My brain knew something big was coming. I still wasn’t aware of all that would ensue but my body was reacting to what my brain was already telling it, that shit was about to hit the fan. That’s how I’ve felt for the past week as I’ve tried to process the news of yet another senseless, heinous killing of a black man by a white police officer.
The news came in when we were still busy being pissed off about that white girl who threatened a black man in a New York City park because he dared to ask her to obey the signs all around her and leash up her dog. And we were all still pissed off about what happened to Breonna Taylor and Ahmaud Arbery. Apparently, quarantine can slow down a deadly virus but not the deadly actions of some racists around this country. Somehow, that is quarantine-proof. Somehow, no matter how many times something appalling and tragic happens, nothing changes. There’s apparently no amount of mass shootings that can cause any change in gun laws. And there’s apparently no amount of deaths via racist police officers that will cause anyone to be held accountable for those easily preventable deaths.
In trying to figure out how I feel about this, it’s likely the same mixture lots of people are feeling: sadness for the victims and their families, friends and loved ones, anger that those police officers are never held accountable, and frustration that even though this continues to happen nothing ever seems to change. I know there’s more happening inside but I’m not quite sure what the rest of those feelings are yet. Events like this do bring out “all the feelings” but those are the three most prominent right now.
When I was a young child, I remember trying to understand the concept of racism. I don’t remember how it came up, it might have been a news clip about the Rodney King beating/L.A. riots, but it made no sense to me then. It still makes no sense to me now. I remember asking why people care about skin color? Do people care about hair color? Or eye color? What’s the difference? Do blonde people hate brunettes for having darker hair? It’s not really any different. And it isn’t. Or, at least, it shouldn’t be. But, I was about to have my first real life encounter with racism soon after. And no, I’m obviously not trying to compare the little that I’ve experienced to anything that’s going on, that’s not my point, and there is no comparison. My only interactions with police come via me doing dumb teenage boy things and when I was blamed for another car crashing into me because the man who hit me was old and rich and I was young and poor. That’s it. My point is that racism is such a pervasive issue that even a little mostly-white kid growing up in the middle of nowhere in Wisconsin can’t escape seeing it and experiencing it. I just want to try and explain what’s going through my head currently and why I, like so many others, am so fucking angry right now.
I must have been like 5 or 6 the first time I saw and felt racism. It was on a Native American reservation. I’m half Native American. My dad’s side of the family came from the Stockbridge-Munsee Mohican tribe. They have a tiny little reservation that was graciously given to them when they left the larger Mohican tribe and somehow decided to settle in Wisconsin, probably for those awesomely humid and insect-filled summers and the terrible winters. But, we weren’t active members of the tribe and it didn’t really mean much to us on a daily basis. We didn’t practice any rituals, celebrate any Native holidays, etc. It was basically just an historical fact. My mom’s German background meant more to us as our grandpa was constantly playing polka music, we ate all sorts of fried foods and we even celebrated St. Nick’s day, which I didn’t realize until recently was a very German thing that not many people do.
I don’t remember much from back then seeing as I was child, but I remember at one point visiting the reservation with my dad and sister. Probably on the premise of learning about our culture but likely because my dad wanted to collect some money from the tribe and/or buy drugs. He was a piece of shit and would soon be out of my life completely after my mom kicked him out for doing some blow in front of me and my sister when he was supposed to be taking care of us. Anyways, I have this distinct memory of not feeling welcome. As my sister and I walked alongside our dad, people would glare as we passed. I’m not sure who asked why, my sister or I, but we were told it was because we were half-white, which was looked down upon. We were probably told some short version of the history between whites and Natives to explain the animosity but I didn’t understand. I was too young. But, I could feel it, and I could see it in people’s eyes. I remember being angry that people didn’t like me before they even knew me. It made no sense to me. It still doesn’t.
Fast forward some years and now I’m school-aged. In history class, I’m being taught that Native Americans, like me and my ancestors, are savages, rapists, murderers, etc. that needed to be educated by the white people. The Natives should adopt their version of religion or risk being murdered. Some do, but most fight for their land and way of life. Manifest Destiny becomes the excuse which allows the white people to take over and justifies the murder of millions. To illustrate, Wikipedia has this astounding fact:
According to geographers from University College London, the colonization of the Americas by Europeans killed so many people it resulted in climate change and global cooling.
That’s fucking insane. Our country is literally founded on racism and the dehumanization of others. Why should we expect anything less? Maybe because that was 500 fucking years ago and people should generally be more highly evolved and intelligent than they were back then. Which, to be fair, a lot are. But, some are not, which is fucking baffling.
Again, I’m not trying to say any of this is even in the same ballpark of what Black Americans, Asian Americans, Mexican Americans, etc., hell, all women for that matter, experience, I just want to give some context as to why I’m currently so pissed off. Racism is something I’ve known about for most of my life, yet I still feel like that five year old kid who doesn’t understand it. It still doesn’t make sense. It never will.
Growing up in rural Wisconsin, I can’t say we had a lot of diversity around. I knew some Mexican families who ended up moving there to work the farm fields but that was about it. It wasn’t until my freshman year of High School that the school welcomed a black student. Well, “welcomed” is the wrong word, unfortunately.
At first, it was business as usual. Nothing was any different, because after all, why should it be? We got new students all the time. Usually, it was because their parent got a job at the local John Deere factory, which employed most of the town. The new kid would be the “new kid” for a while, find others with similar interests and/or join a sports team and become part of the fabric of the school. But, I should have known a tiny town of 3000 in the middle of nowhere Wisconsin wouldn’t work like that. I guess I had too much faith in my fellow students.
After a while, the comments and “jokes” started. Some people who were once my close friends started in. These were the kids I had spent years playing sports with, rollerblading with (yes, I’m over 30), talking about our girl crushes with, dreaming about our futures with, spending summers at the local pool with, etc. We were pretty damn close. But, an offhanded comment here and a name there and I found myself drawing away from them. At first, I tried to play it off. Maybe they were repeating a joke I didn’t know or didn’t really feel that way. But, that was stupid of me. One kid would privately tell me he didn’t like the way the others talked but had known these guys since he was like 6 years old and wasn’t going to bail on them. He asked me to do the same. They’re not really bad guys, he would say. But, I couldn’t. I’ll always remember the day they all got together to put Confederate flags on their trucks and took a couple laps through the school parking lot. I hoped the school would put an end to it but even that proved too optimistic of me. I don’t remember what I said to them that day, only that it was probably a jumble of fuck you’s, you dumbasses, rednecks, or something along those lines. Little did I know that was only the beginning of their plan for that day. My former friend, who secretly disagreed with the others but acted complicity, let me know they were planning on fighting the black kid after lunch that day. I went to the kid to let him know. He told me he knew already and wasn’t afraid of them. I remember the principal or whoever was in the office that day had heard about it and said they would do what they could to prevent it, i.e. not really anything. And, just as my former friend had said, after lunch, in the hallway, a skirmish broke out. Like ten boys against the only two students of color, one black, one Hispanic, at the school. I remember yelling and trying to hold my old friends back. I punched one of them. Luckily, since it was right in front of the office, the fight was over quickly and was mostly just yelling, pushing and some terrible, off-target punches. But, I’ve never been able to shake the evil that was said and displayed by those ignorant, racist kids. I was 14 and still trying to figure out who I was. But, even then I knew I wasn’t like those other kids. That was clear. I couldn’t and wouldn’t tolerate that behavior. No one should. But, the school did. I know the racist offenders were “disciplined” but it wasn’t much. I remember being angry they weren’t outright expelled. It made no sense then. It still makes no sense.
After that incident, I knew I would be leaving that town and never coming back. I had to wait until I graduated and those last few years were a little rough. I felt no connection to that town or the people. I felt like the odd man out. I didn’t get to, and didn’t want to, fit in anymore. I left within the month after graduating to move to Madison, WI. I had friends down there and I couldn’t have been more excited. Ever since then, I kept moving from major city to major city. San Francisco, Seattle, New York, etc. I felt more comfortable in cities. I realized part of that was because of the diversity of people. Then, I moved to Portland, OR on a whim. I hated Portland, OR and never felt at home there. I think it had something to do with a lack of diversity and culture. There was even common joke out there. When people would ask if there were black people in Portland, the response was “are the Blazers in town tonight?” That’s how bad it was.
As an adult, I would hear stories from my friends of color, be it African, Asian, Dominican, Puerto Rican, Mexican, etc. Stories about people coming out of their house with shotguns drawn because my friends had made a wrong turn and dared to turn around in their driveway. Stories of running out of gas on road trips because they didn’t feel safe stopping in certain rural areas. Stories of not getting job opportunities or promotions because of the color of their skin. Stories of people being mad that their son or daughter was dating them. Stories of cab drivers refusing to pick them up. Stories of getting into shouting matches, sometimes even with people they knew, who would then pull out racial slurs to demean them. And on and on.
But, the one story everyone seemed to have was an incident involving harassment by the police. For some, it was one or two things over the years. For some, it was a fairly common occurrence. I heard stories of constant harassment at apartment buildings. Sometimes it was from just walking down the street and “looking suspicious” according to a cop. Many felt they weren’t able to call the police even if they needed help. It always made me so fucking angry that the people who should be protecting people were doing the opposite.
And look, I realize that most cops do a fine job. But, the problem is that there doesn’t seem to be mechanism to remove and punish the bad ones. Yes, racism as a whole is the bigger enemy, but if at the very least cops would be held accountable for literally murdering people, there would be some semblance of trust towards law enforcement. I’m sure most cops would support this. Instead, George Floyd was murdered by a cop who had at least 17 prior complaints against him, including at least one for police brutality, had drawn and fired his weapon at least 3 times (a recent study said ONLY ABOUT 27% OF OFFICERS EVER FIRE THEIR WEAPON), once even drawing it on an unarmed teenage boy; all over a fucking lousy counterfeit $20 bill. It’s all in the video. Cops come up guns drawn and basically start harassing the man, again, over a $20 bill. You can hear him start to talk about not being able to breathe and being claustrophobic pretty early on. It sounds to me, and this is just speculation, that he may have been having a panic attack. And he would have been right to have a panic attack. He was about to murdered, slowly, intentionally and painfully, over a fucking $20 bill.
But, we know that’s not the real reason. The real reason is the reason why people all across this country are protesting. It’s the history of racism by police and the lack of accountability. It’s because yet another racist white cop killed yet another unarmed black man. And we all know there’s likely little recourse for this cop’s reprehensible, unimaginably cruel actions. Until they actually send one of these murderers to jail, this will continue to be a huge fucking issue. It’s literally that simple: start holding them accountable. Are we going to completely eradicate racism from the world? I wish but that’s unlikely any time soon. So, punishing those who murder someone just because of the color of skin is a good place to start. That should be a wildly attainable goal but, for some reason, even that is too much to ask.
Maybe this will be the one. Maybe things will finally start to shift. But, sadly, I doubt it. Maybe if we had a some actual leadership in this country and president who had human emotions and wasn’t trying to incite more violence by inviting white supremacists to counter these protests, telling people the old racist adage of “when the looting starts, the shooting starts,” typing gleefully that Secret Service is itching for someone to jump the fence at the White House so they can “see some action” and once again recalling racist images by saying he will sick dogs on the protestors, which he also calls by the racist term “Thugs.” But, we don’t have a competent president. We have a man who sympathizes with and defends those white supremacists, is trying to blame this all on “the Democrats” despite it being caused by the actions of racist cops, vigilantes, etc., is actively undermining our democracy by trying to keep people from voting so he can remain in office, has been accused of sexual harassment, assault and/or rape by over 20 women, has made literally the wrong move every step of the way regarding the Coronavirus costing tens of thousands of people their lives which could have been saved had he acted responsibly at all, is touting the drug hydroxychloroquine, which the EU and the World Heath Organization say causes more harm than help and was found to increase chance of death in Coronavirus patients in a trial here at home by a VA hospital, because he and his friends and family stand to make money off of it, has inspired countless mass shootings across the country because of the way he emboldens racists with his carelessly reckless words, and, shit, I could go on and on but that’s not what this is about.
This is about trying to reconcile how yet another black person has been senselessly murdered by yet another racist white man, who will likely escape punishment for his crime just like so many others before him. It’s me trying to figure out how someone whose job is to serve and protect could suffocate a man to death over a fucking fake $20 bill. How anyone could continue choking the life out of someone as they said these words (transcribed by THIS SLATE ARTICLE):
“God
It’s my face man
I didn’t do nothing serious man
please
please
please I can’t breathe
please man
please somebody
please man
I can’t breathe
I can’t breathe
please
(inaudible)
man can’t breathe my face
just get up
I can’t breathe
please (inaudible)
I can’t breath shit
I will
I can’t move
mama
mama
I can’t
my knee
my nuts
I’m through
I’m through
I’m claustrophobic
my stomach hurt
my neck hurts
everything hurts
some water or something
please
please
I can’t breath officer
don’t kill me
they gon kill me man
come on man
I cannot breathe
I cannot breathe
they gon kill me
they gon kill me
I can’t breathe
I can’t breathe
please sir
please
please
please I can’t breathe”
-George Floyd
I don’t understand it. It doesn’t make sense. It never will.
Mural in Minneapolis at the corner of 38th Street and Chicago Avenue South, the spot where Floyd was arrested, by Niko Alexander, Cadex Herrera, Greta McLain, Xena Goldman, Pablo Helm Hernandez.