so, you’re probably wondering where ol bradley wik has been the last couple weeks. i mean, no one can leave the house so shouldn’t you be writing more often? valid question, but i’ve been quickly finishing up my latest ep/record entitled “music for depressed alcoholic autistic people” so i could get it out to you as soon as possible. it’s four brand new songs and a pretty stark departure from my typical two guitars, bass and drums approach. it’s finally ready (or as close as i will likely get it as i had to record, mix and master myself at my apartment. the latter two skills are not ones that come easily to me…) and i’m not even waiting until the traditional friday release day. it’s wednesday and that’s good enough for me.
you’re also probably wondering why i made a record called “music for depressed alcoholic autistic people.” well, it’s both extremely simple and very complicated, which is pretty much how everything is for me. you see, i have asperger’s. or autism spectrum disorder. call it what you like. i prefer asperger’s since it doesn’t have the word “disorder” in it, which implies something negative. personally, i prefer to see my asperger’s as a positive thing. it’s why i play music in the first place (which is a story unto itself, which YOU CAN READ HERE). my asperger’s is the reason i was able to make this record. which, again, is both good and bad. the songs are good but terrifically depressing if you listen to the lyrics. or, even if you just glance at the song titles (you can click on the titles to read about each song individually):
“i started killing myself years ago…”
“the promise (please don’t die tonight)”
“what are we supposed to do now that we’ve wasted our youth?”
two about death, one about contemplating it and one about the night i stabbed both my arms to prove to myself that i was still real because the grocery store was closed (i’ll explain that sentence more when i write about “we are not alone”).
so, again, why is the album called “music for depressed alcoholic autistic people?”
here’s the simple answer: that’s what i am and these were the types of songs i needed over the years but couldn’t find.
here’s the complicated answer (my wife likes to constantly tell me how much i tend to complicate things…): i’ve spent years trying to get in touch with myself and my emotions. that’s not something that asperger’s people do well. it wasn’t until recently that i can finally say with confidence that i can tell the difference between feeling hungry and feeling sick to my stomach. this is true. you can ask my wife. it once led to me pooping my pants on a christmas eve drive down to see my wife’s family. i didn’t know back then that i was becoming lactose-intolerant and was enjoying some (already questionable based on the “best by” date) eggnog in my morning coffee. i actually yelled “why am i so hungry all the sudden?!” right before a little poo came out as i sprinted towards the rest stop toilet... wait, that’s not what i’m supposed to be talking about right now. dammit! only a few hundred words in and i’m already way off topic.
but, over the years, i’ve never really understood myself. i could understand other people much better. not their emotions and feelings, but their stories, their shortcomings, their strengths, etc. i could learn about what made them tick and why they did the things they did. i became an astute observer of human beings. i started to realize the reason i did this was because i wanted to be able to figure myself out, which i couldn’t. i didn’t seem to act and think linearly like the people i watched. why was i always the one that didn’t do what he was supposed to in a given circumstance? why did i struggle to react to things the way others do? why did i always seem to say or do the wrong thing given the situation? why couldn’t i just be “normal?” i wanted answers but found none.
once i became a musician, i saw this reflected in my songwriting. for most of my songwriting career, i wrote songs about other people. i watched the world around me and recorded the stories of people who passed through my life. sure, i was a part of many of the stories and always put a little of myself into them so i could tell the story better, but i was mostly telling my stories through other people. some of it was because i was young and i hadn’t experienced a lot yet, but mostly it was because it was easier for me to do it that way. i did write some pretty straightforward autobiographical songs like “midwest winters” or “i am not afraid,” but many of my songs are not directly about me and my stories. songs like “lookin’ at luckey,” “just like jon fickes,” “some girls (still love rock n’ roll),” “this old house,” “friday night is for the drinkers,” etc. are all examples of that. those songs have little (if anything) to do with me. they’re mostly observations and recollections, usually of women i know or once knew.
with this record, i didn’t want to write about others. i wanted to write things that were intensely personal and write about them as simply and honestly as possible (these songs have the least amount of lyrics of anything i’ve ever written. one song is literally just two lines). i wanted to focus on some of the darkest moments in my life and try to write for that person. what did that version of myself need from a song? what could he have heard that might make him feel more connected to the world and less alone in his depression? what thoughts could he have understood better if he had heard them articulated and set to music (his preferred way of understanding himself)?
that’s what “music for depressed alcoholic autistic people” is. it’s me telling myself it’s ok to have these dark thoughts. it’s me telling myself that what i’m feeling is not singular to me. it’s me telling myself (literally in one song) that i am not alone in the world, other people understand what i’m going through, which somehow makes it a little easier. it’s me explaining these feelings and thoughts to myself in a way that allows me to understand them better. and by doing that, it’s me telling others the same. if i needed to hear these things, i know others need to as well. i’m not saying that to sound arrogant, but to imply that i realize i’m not some unique snowflake. i’m not the only one who has been depressed for long periods of time. i’m not the only one who thinks about death on a regular basis. i’m not the only one who dies in almost all their dreams. i’m not the only one who has done things they’re ashamed to talk about. i’m not the only one people called the police on because they were worried they might kill themselves.
i am not alone. you are not alone. we are not alone… i want to help you understand yourself a little better the way i learned to understand myself a little better, through song. i want to tell you that you can get through this, i did.
there’s another thing i’d like to impress upon you as well. i’m not writing about depressing things to glorify them, to make you depressed or to fetishize my depression in any way. as someone who struggles with, or has struggled with, mental health issues, drug and alcohol abuse, ill-advised sexual activities, etc., i don’t appreciate when people make being fucked up sound cool. i’m not advocating for people to use drugs, alcohol, depression, etc. as an excuse to do fucked up shit to others either. i just want to talk about my experiences so maybe someone out there won’t go down the path i did or can start to pull themselves out of a bad place after hearing my stories. if you’re going through something, i hope these songs will make you feel better in some small way, or, at least, less alone.
i also wanted to make something that talks about and normalizes (well, in some ways) asperger’s/autism. please know that these songs were written and made by someone who has asperger’s: me. i can do anything other people can (except properly react to emotions), and i can do many things, like music and math and the new york times spelling bee game, better than most. i’m not weird (well, i guess i am but in the ways you might think). i don’t look funny. i don’t talk funny (seriously, wait til i’m playing shows again and come hear my terrible attempts at jokes…). in fact, i’ve never had anyone be able to tell that i have asperger’s until i told them. i realize i’m not as far out on the spectrum as others, but i’ve done most things in life just like others. i went to school, got straight a’s, played sports, was in the high school band as a trombone player (so i could make the “bwwwooommp” sad trombone/fart sound at inopportune times), held down and excelled at jobs. yes, i’ve also done a lot of fucked things over the years but who’s to say i wouldn’t have done those things anyways even if i didn’t have asperger’s?
anyhow, over the next week or so, i’m also going to write about each song, post the lyrics, tell the stories and explain why i chose them for this record. each song has special meaning to me and i’ve been wanting to make this record for a long time. there are sounds on this album i’ve been dreaming about making for over ten years. i didn’t know how to make them until recently. a couple of the songs were written almost three years ago but i didn’t know what to do with them yet. my yearslong journey of trying to understand myself (for the record, i still mostly don’t) also coincided with my yearslong journey to find the sounds i’ve been hearing in my head but couldn’t articulate. it’s a record i’ve wanted to make forever but didn’t understand myself or my music enough to do it until now.
all sounds on this record were recorded in my various apartments (a few parts date back to my time in portland, or which is where these stories mostly take place. i fucking hate portland, or… don’t get me started… thank you for not getting me started...) with a very simple setup:
my trusty martin d-15 acoustic guitar
an audio-technica at4040 condenser mic
a shure bullet mic
and a moog sub37 synth
this album plays around a lot with melody (some parts have up to a dozen separate melodies happening all at once), with noise as an instrument, with putting acoustic guitar and voice over the top of synth chaos (literally, at some points), with taking small, sad-bastard type songs and blowing them out (while keeping one of them small and intimate, it just always sounded better than any other version i tried), and other things i’ve wanted to try ever since i heard bands like radiohead, wilco, the jesus and mary chain and my bloody valentine play around with noise and chaos. i always wanted to make this version of it. some sort of hybrid between noisy synth pop and sad-bastard acoustic music. i’m happy i finally have something to present to you. it’s the first music i’ve made that i actually still listen to. after spending so much time writing, recording, editing, mixing, etc., it still somehow sounds new to me. it’s an interesting development and we’ll see if that lasts…
this record will be available via itunes, spotify, etc. soon but i wanted to get this to you as soon as possible so i am making it available on my website (for free, but also feel “free” to donate via venmo or paypal unless you’re one of the generous souls who have already donated to the cause; looking at you hal, anne, matt, and, of course, mom) and ON BANDCAMP (with a suggested donation for download but you can stream for free).
as this sounds nothing like anything i’ve ever released, i recommend taking a listen before deciding whether to purchase/donate in case this isn’t your cup of tea. there are no drums, guitar solos or songs about cars and rock n’ roll, you know, my usual fare, on here. but, if you want something that is sonically unique, extremely heartfelt and honest, at times (intentionally) hard to listen to (both lyrically and literally) and something that is the most bradley wik thing i’ve ever made, click, download, listen, and then, i’ll ask this small favor of you, share.
if someone you know is going through a tough time and could use music like this, share it with them. if someone you know likes weird, fucked-up-but-in-beautiful-way-type music, share it with them. if someone you know is in the music business and would like to pay me to make more music like this, please, and i can’t stress this enough, share it with them.
anyways, enough of my ramblings, go listen to my new music!!
So, if what you’ve read about above has interested you and you’d like to purchase/donate to the cause, there are a few options:
Go to https://bradleywik.bandcamp.com/. You can stream for free or purchase (hint: you can also donate a little extra past the $4, if you like)
As I know these are trying times and people could use some entertainment, you can also download the record for FREE (CLICK HERE to access the google drive link with mp3’s of the record) with optional donation to: https://www.paypal.me/bradleywik or through Venmo (@bradleywik)
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