There are good days, and there are bad days. Sometimes, both in one day. I started out having a good day but it has quickly turned into the opposite. There's not even some event or something that happened that made it so; it just went shitty. Maybe I was thinking about how Scott Hutchison killed himself and how inevitable that seemed. Maybe I was thinking about Trump and all the bullshit (too many things to list) that goes along with that. Maybe I was wondering why things were going well in my music career and tried to self-sabotage. Who knows... But, what I do know is that I try and remember the things I am grateful for in these moments. There are innumerable things I can be happy about and I'm trying my damnedest these days to keep them in mind.
Take, for instance, the fact that I have a second music video (our first off "In My Youth, I'm Getting Old..." can be viewed HERE) coming out on Halloween. It's for "Let's Go Out Tonight" and the video is, well, I won't give it away, but it's related to the ghoulish holiday. That's pretty fucking awesome.
I've gotten lots of love and support for these videos; again, which is awesome.
I'm playing a video release show (my first show in a couple months) at the Lake Theater in Lake Oswego, OR on Friday 11/9 at 8pm.
The director will be there to talk about the videos and we will be playing the videos on the big screen for all in attendance; and for all those not in attendance, though they won't be able to see them since they're not fucking there...
I just started doing side work as a podcast producer and editor, and just started recording a podcast myself about my latest album and what goes into, from a songwriting and just fucking life standpoint, making an album.
I'm beginning work on my next album, which will be a solo endeavor the likes of which has never been heard. This is the most honest and personal album I've ever written (which is amazing in and of itself as all my songs are true stories. It’s easier than trying to make shit up) as it includes many stories about my depression, alcoholism, having Asperger's, suicidal thoughts (which I struggle with every day), fucking "Inception" style dreams, and other things which I struggle with constantly. The goal of this album is to help those who feel these things daily, but also feel alone in their struggles. Your struggles are not singular, and trust me, I get it. I hope these songs help normalize and make you feel better about said struggles.
So many good things and I still can hardly function. Sometimes, just the weight of life is too much. I try and stay positive in these moments and remember that my original goal was just to help one person with my music in the way that music helped me. I've accomplished that many times over but it's addicting. I just keep thinking of all the people who don't know who I am who could benefit from feeling less alone in the world. Asperger's took my ability to feel "normal" but that's OK. I wasn't meant to. I was meant to help others understand themselves in a way they haven't before. Even the fucked up are "normal" to the other members of the "fucked up” party. You are not alone. I once stabbed myself in the arm because I didn't think I was real. I get it. I still feel like that sometimes, but have found healthier ways to explore that.
Music is magic. But it’s also a struggle. It's given me everything in my life, good and bad. But, I don't begrudge it either way. It is what it is. As Vonnegut would say, "so it goes." Whether you make music or support and enjoy it, you are part of the brotherhood and sisterhood of music. We are all in this together and we are all fucked up in the best and worst ways. We are here for each other in a way that a lot of people don't understand. When we need a hand or a friend, we know where to go. Music hasn't "fixed" me and it won't. But, it's given me a sense of being and a place where I can feel less alone. That's all I ever wanted from it and that's all I can ask for. It's not a god, but it isn't far off. Thank you, music, for all you've done for me. I hope I can do the same with my music for at least a few of you out there...
(dictated but not read)