As I mentioned in my album introduction blog (which you READ HERE) which talks about the album as a whole, why I made it, why it’s called “music for depressed alcoholic autistic people,” amongst other things, I am going to be writing about each individual song as well. Each of these songs is tied to my having depression, alocholism and/or Asperger’s, and was either a traumatic experience I needed help in understanding myself or something I wanted other people to know they’re not alone in experiencing. It’s been an exhaustive process of diving back into this world and reliving these events while recording these tunes but I felt it was important for me to make this record. Both for me personally, and for those who might need to hear something like this, especially in these uncertain times when I know there is a strain on people’s mental health.
I will be talking about the songs both from a story/inspiration standpoint and also a musical standpoint (i.e. why it sounds like it does, choices that I made that represent other things like being alone, my Meniere’s disease, being drunk, etc.) and any other things I think are relevant/interesting. I wanted to give a little peek behind the curtain of what goes on in my mind when I make a record, especially one this honest and personal. If you do have questions/comments that I do not address, feel free to comment below and I will do my best to answer them. When it comes to my music, there are some things that I think about way too much and some things I never really think about, so I may or may not have a great answer, but I’ll do my best to be as honest and straightforward as possible. Anyhow, on to the song!
“i started killing myself years ago…”
i sing these songs for you though i’ve sang them for others
and every word rang true, at least for a moment
we were too fucked up to care
we were too fucked up to care, anyhow
most nights, i wish we never met
i started killing myself years ago, i just haven’t finished yet…
some nights I still dream, though i’m always dying
before i can save you but i’ll never stop trying
we were too fucked up to care
we were too fucked up to care, anyhow
most nights, i wish we never met
i started killing myself years ago, i just haven’t finished yet…
Music Notes:
This is the only song on the album that features none of the Moog synth featured on the other three songs. This is sort of how all the songs sounded when I did the initial demos. Since I can’t actually play keyboards/synths, I would write and quickly record all the different parts on my guitar and then clumsily notate and translate them to the Moog synth to replace the scratch guitar tracks one at a time. It was a tedious process where I’d come up with a part, record it, figure out what notes it is, then figure out how to play those notes on the synth, then figure out how I wanted them to sound and, finally, record what you hear on the album. I have pages of notes from these songs that have every note scribbled out, e.g. VERSE: A, B, C, B, A, D, etc. and on and on. But, no matter what I did with this song, the original demo always sounded better. Something always got lost in the translation. I finally gave up trying to rebuild the song and what you hear in the naked, original demo version of the song, with the original scratch lead vocal and the guitar parts that I recorded almost two years ago. For those who don’t know, a “scratch” track (vocal, guitar, bass, etc.) is a hastily recorded part that is mostly for timing of the song. You don’t really focus on levels, how it sounds, how you performed, etc., you just record it so you can play the other parts along to it and then re-record it later. This song is all “scratch” tracks that never got replaced. That seemed kind of fitting for a song like this. It felt right, like I didn’t care enough to go through the process of making it sound like the other songs, it just is what it is. I like that about this song. The song doesn’t care, both from a lyrical and musical standpoint. It’s very Asperger’s/Autistic in that way. The more you try to change it, the more it’ll fight to stay the same.
Story notes:
One of the things I’ve noticed about myself over the years is I don’t look at my past like most people. Once I’ve moved, had a breakup or any other big life change, I feel like a new person. I don’t feel a connection to the previous versions of me. They feel more like chapters in a book that I’ve read dozens of times, so I know all the beats but I’m just recounting their stories, not my story. I don’t know if that’s an Asperger’s thing or not, I suspect it is, but it’s certainly a strange feeling. And, because of that, I tend to do the same things over and over (definitely an Asperger’s thing) throughout my life, which, also means I make the same mistakes over and over, like, say, getting into bad relationships. Not necessarily with people who are bad but with people who are bad for me. Like people who accentuate my worst tendencies. People who like the worst aspects of me. For me, that’s people who enjoy chaos. I love living in chaos, but in the worst way. It’s a very destructive place for me to dwell in. I also enjoy drugs and alcohol. So, when someone pushes me to stay in that chaotic, drug-filled world, they don’t have to push hard. Over the years, I learned how to go into that world enough to fill my darker desires, but how to also avoid going there each and every day. But, it doesn’t take much to get me to want to live there. and a pretty girl is more than enough motivation.
One of the side effects of living in that world, for me at least, is night terrors. The deeper down the hole I go, the worse they get. I’ve woken up with bruised or bleeding hands and feet, black eyes, hell, even a broken ankle once because of night terrors. The worst part of the night terrors was that each time I died in the dream (usually very viscerally, I might add), the dream just started over. And, even when I thought I’d woken up, I was often still in the dream. I’d awake in my bed and everything looked normal. But, then I’d notice something is off, like the clock said it was 8:10am but it was still dark out, and I’d be magically whisked away back to the beginning of the dream to die a few more times. Then, I’d finally wake up again and get up to pee, but the bathroom light switch didn’t work and… back to the beginning of the dream, again. It was like a cruel video game. I got to remember my progress so I could get a little further each time or try new strategies. But, in the end, it just keeps going and going. It's why I love the movies "Happy Death Day" and "Inception" so much. For once, I thought maybe it wasn't just me who experienced dreams like this.
Here’s an example of a recurring dream I have: I’m standing outside a 5 story brick apartment building that is likely located in New York City, even though I’ve been having this dream long before I lived in New York City so I’m just now realizing it’s probably based on April O’Neil’s apartment from the “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie, and the building is on fire (again, probably from the TMNT movie) and it’s my job to save as many people as possible. I race into the first floor and help the 2-3 people who are trapped on this floor. Then, I move to the second floor, there’s a family of three, mom, young son and younger daughter, which I help out of the building. The fire is growing and spreading and some of the ceiling starts to fall around me. I know it’s getting worse. The girl I’m trying to save is on the fourth floor (this probably because 4 is my favorite number). If I go to the third floor, I might not make it up to her, so I go straight to the fourth. I race past a few screams for help on the third floor and I find her and couple other stragglers. We head for the stairs (it’s a walk-up, not that we would opt for the elevator). The fire is now crazy out of control and debris is falling everywhere. As we get down to the second story landing, a large piece of debris falls on us and kills us all.
Back to the beginning. I’m outside the building again. This time, I’ll try working top down as the top floors seem less stable than the bottom floors plus I’ll get to the girl sooner. So, up to the fifth floor. I find and help a few people all the way down. Because this takes longer, the fire is already spreading further than before it seems. I find my girl on the fourth floor, but this time there’s more people in the apartments around her. Apparently, the first time they either died before I could get there or a few others managed to escape on their own. So, now we have a larger group headed down the stairs. As we pass the second floor, the girl sees the family and races to help them. I decide to take the group I have downstairs and come back for her. It’s on the second floor and I think I still have time. After assisting the group outside, I race back into the building but the fire is out of control now. I can see the girl on the second floor stairwell with the family but some debris has damaged the stairs and the landing is on fire. She lowers the kids down the side of stairwell to me and I race them out of the building. By the time I get back, she and the mother are gone and the building is falling apart all around me. With her gone, I just stand there and await my fate. Back to the beginning…
Wait, maybe not. I wake up sweaty and a little sore in my bed. But, for some reason I can’t fully open my eyes. I only get fleeting glances at the room around me as I struggle to wake myself up and get out of this dream so I don’t have to play again. After struggling for a few minutes, I realize I’m not really awake and I slowly drift back into dreamland. Back to the beginning…
That could go on all night, and because of all that, it was easier for me to drink until I passed out than to risk dreaming at night. If I drank enough, I wouldn’t dream. Seemed like a simple choice: risk injuring myself while also torturing myself with dreams where I continually experience painful deaths OR just get fucked up, black out and come to the next morning not remembering anything. So, I chose the latter most nights. I knew the things I was doing to my body were unhealthy but I couldn’t stop. I didn’t want to stop. I knew I was putting myself on a path that would eventually kill me but I was OK with that. That would take years and I wasn’t worried about years from now, I was worried about being able to sleep for a few hours each night. If all this ended up killing me years from now, I could accept that trade off. I had to get to work the next morning and I was still only 24. There was still plenty of time...
Of course, I wasn’t thinking about any of that when I wrote the song. Those are all things I’ve come to realize afterwards. I’m going to talk about my songwriting process in a short video this week, but the songs typically come out quickly (I think the longest I’ve ever worked on a song is about forty five minutes), usually come in sets of 2-3, and they just flow out naturally. It’s like an out of body experience. So, I don’t sit down and think “I’ll write one about night terrors.” I’ll just find a few chords I like and a couple songs will pop out. There’s actually a sister song to this one which is completely about the night terrors that will be on the next “music for depressed alcoholic autistic people” record. Yes, I already have written the next record, but let’s enjoy this one for a while first, shall we.
So, if what you’ve read about above has interested you and you’d like to purchase/donate to the cause, there are a few options:
Go to https://bradleywik.bandcamp.com/. You can stream for free or purchase (hint: you can also donate a little extra past the $4, if you like)
As I know these are trying times and people could use some entertainment, you can also download the record for FREE (CLICK HERE to access the google drive link with mp3’s of the record) with optional donation to: https://www.paypal.me/bradleywik
Thanks for reading and listening. I’ll be back soon with more info on track #2 - “the promise (please don’t die tonight).”
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