Today, I wanted to talk about something very near and dear to my heart: Asperger’s. Specifically, I would like to talk about how it affects my music. There’s a lot to unpack there, so I likely won’t cover it all in one blog. It’s also an evolving situation as I still early on in my journey to learn more about my Asperger’s and how it affects me in all aspects of my life. It’s only been four years since I found out I was an Aspie, so I’m regularly having “a-ha” moments as certain behaviors, issues, etc. suddenly make a lot more sense than they used to. Also, since Asperger’s is just a part of the autism spectrum, there are vast amounts of variance in how, and how much, it affects individuals. I cannot claim to speak for anyone’s experiences besides my own.
I was inspired by something I saw on Twitter (yes, now that the election is over, I have finally joined Twitter. Like ten years after it was cool, but still. Look me up @BradleyWikmusic or just search for “Bradley Wik” and I’ll be there), which I had to share:
So, the question is: how has this affected my music and my songwriting? Asperger’s, in some way, affects everything in my life, so it stands to reason that it also would alter my songwriting in some way. It’s something I’ve thought about a lot in the past four years. I can’t say I have a definitive answer, but I do have some running theories. Let’s explore them.
Theory #1 - I am a professional studier of humans
One of the biggest drawbacks of Asperger’s is how hard it can make understanding human behavior. And I’m not talking about the Bjork song; we all know that shit is amazing, case closed. My whole life, I’ve struggled not only to understand others but also myself. Even just trying to decipher what it is that I am feeling at any given moment is difficult. Case in point, when I was first learning I was lactose-intolerant, my brain kept telling me I was hungry when, in fact, I was about to be sick to my stomach. My morning routine was to have a cup of coffee, with a little milk, feel “hungry,” eat something and then immediately spend the next half hour in the bathroom. It literally took almost two years of this before I put the two together and realized what I was feeling was not hunger at all. True story. That’s how out of tune I am with my own feelings. How the fuck am I supposed to understand other people’s?
Well, as it turns out, I can’t. Just ask my wife. But what I can do is associate actions and behaviors with personality traits and learn a great deal about people; just not what they’re feeling. Why? Because since I couldn’t understand other people from a very young age, I had no choice but to study them so I could try and fit in. I have memories of being in kindergarten and wondering why these people were so damn mysterious to me. What did they talk about? Why is it so easy to interact in groups? Why don’t I feel at home amongst them? That’s how long I’ve been studying humans. It sounds weird to say but that’s exactly what I’ve been doing.
The other thing I’ve learned about my Aspie brain is that it works very literally. That doesn’t mean I don’t understand sarcasm or anything like that. What it means is that everything must function according to a mathematical type formula. That’s how I process information. The reason, I believe, is that it allows me to build patterns, which we all know people with autism love. But, trying to apply mathematical formulas to human beings is very difficult because humans are inherently complex beings. So, I began to look for the patterns first and reverse engineer the formula to fit that particular person. For instance, let’s take someone who seemingly confidently walks into a room and starts talking your ear off. They could be an asshole know-it-all who is trying to assert dominance in a social situation. They could be someone who talks a lot to mask their insecurities. They could just be a plain ol’ friendly extrovert. Or, they could be an introvert who is putting on a confident performance and has Asperger’s so he talks way too much about certain topics no matter how much people might wish he shut up about them. (Hint: that last one might be me in certain situations…). How would I know which category a person falls into?
I had to start to learn about all the tricks people do and what to look for. For that example above, what were their eyes doing while they were talking? What about their hands? How were they standing? How are they holding their shoulders? How were they phrasing the things they were saying? How is their face reacting to my part of the conversation? And on and on. And these are things everyone is doing when they meet people but the trick is learning to interpret and accept the information in real-time. It’s that Malcolm Gladwell Blink theory. I had to learn how to tap into my unconscious mind and trust what I was hearing. I’ve found over the years that I’m a pretty good judge of character. After a couple minutes of conversation, I can usually get a pretty complete view of who that person is. My wife, Brianne, can confirm this. I can’t count how many times, after only a brief encounter, I was able to know more about a person than Brianne would learn in a year. And that’s not a knock on her, she’s actually pretty damn good at assessing the character of others, but can occasionally be misled by the tricks people do to get people to think they are or aren’t a certain way.
So, why the hell did I just describe all that and what does it have to do with music? Well, since I’ve spent so much time over the years studying humans, I believe I can do a great job of recreating them in my songs. One of the biggest compliments I’ve received from album reviewers which I’ve received a number of times, is how well I write female characters. Historically, men have not been great when it comes to writing about women in music, especially when it’s the standard falling in love/breakup type stuff, which is most of it. I’m not saying all men, but, let’s face it, it’s a lot of them. Especially in the country genre. Here’s like half of the country songs on the radio: see hot girl, get hot girl drunk enough to sleep with you. Ummm… But, I think the reason it comes a little more naturally to me is because I’m not thinking of my characters as male or female, per se, but as their character’s mathematical formula and their actual actions. The numbers are just the numbers, and the actions are just the actions; and you present them as such. Lots of people sing about emotions and intentions, things I have little knowledge of, frankly, so I tend to stay away from those. I also don’t believe that gender dictates formula or action. People are just people, whether male, female or non-binary. All people experience the same things like feeling insecure or confident, falling in and out of love, drinking, partying, sex, etc. How they feel about them and how they react can change, but again, that’s person to person and is not dictated by sex. Personally, I don’t find writing about women any different than writing about men. It’s character formula plus their actions. Next.
Theory #2 - My memory is fucking weird
Here’s where my Asperger’s can actually a hindrance. The other reason my stories and characters feel so real is because, well, they are. I rarely write about things that I haven’t actually experienced. I always say my music is 50% things I’ve done, 50% things I’ve seen and 10% shit that I make up so it rhymes. And you better believe I give 110% with my music.
Yes, I often rearrange the pieces to tell new stories. I might take experience “A” pair it with character “B” in city “C” but “A,” “B” and “C” are all reality-based and came from somewhere in my past. This does allow me to paint more three-dimensional characters and stories since all people and stories are inherently three-dimensional so all I have to do is write it honestly, which is easier to do since I have Asperger’s. That’s the positive side of this theory.
It’s actually fairly bizarre how my memory works. I feel very disconnected to my past. I objectively know I did, said, wrote, etc. whatever thing, but it doesn’t feel like it was done by me. It seems more like it was done by a past version of me, a person I no longer am. I feel like there has been five different Bradley’s over the years:
Wisconsin Brad (that’s what I went by back then) - WI Brad was the one who grew up; went to school in Horicon, WI, a city famous for claiming an enormous marsh (the Horicon Marsh) that is mostly in the neighboring town; and moved to Madison to live with his friends and play music. He wrote songs about nonsense, often waxing poetic about his recent loss of faith in God, because he was only 18 and didn’t have much life experience to draw from. He often had a general structure/story for a song but made up the details as he was playing each time. Titles like “Childish Love and the Forever Queen,” “Dead Flowers and Make Out Parties” and “Heavenly Whispers and Prayers Before Supper” sum it up well. He died when he left Wisconsin. He then became…
Seattle/San Francisco Bradley - This one changed his name to “Bradley,” moved to San Francisco and then moved up to Seattle. This one decided he wanted to become a folk singer but still couldn’t really sing so instead vacillated between speak-singing Bob Dylan style and yelling to make sure you knew he was really into what he was saying. He wrote about things that sounded important, but really meant very little. Titles like “Sixteen White Horses,” “Going to Italy” (a reference to his love of the Mountain Goats) and “Song for God” are pretty representative of his time on this Earth. There were also lots of songs about “ramblin’” written around this time. He met a girl who agreed to move to New York City, where he wanted to follow in ol’ Robert Zimmerman’s footsteps. He packed his bags and promptly died…
New York City Bradley - This is the Bradley that felt the most “Bradley.” New York City, the people there, the energy; it all just felt right. The City welcomed him with open arms and he fell in love. He was out at least five or six nights a week, if not all seven. He would play open mics with his music friends then go clubbing with his other friends. After a while, the open mics turned into shows (it seemed like lots of venues followed what a friend and I used to call “the nine month rule.” They would make you sweat it out and earn it for about nine months before they starting offering decent shows, read: not the 2am slot, to someone as they knew so many people would come to NYC, flame out and head back home after like six or seven months. We watched it happen time after time. “What happened to so-and-so?” “Must’ve hit their nine months…”) and Bradley actually got pretty fucking good at the whole folk singer thing with tunes like “Mona Lisa’s Blues,” “The Undertaker’s Poem” and “Shooting Stars.” He even started his very first rock ‘n’ roll band with his good buddy, the one and only Mr. Jon Fickes. Things were the best…until they weren’t. His friend/roommate had already moved away and now his girlfriend wanted to as well. Things were suddenly not going great. He packed his bags and sealed his fate…
Portland Bradley - This Bradley is probably my least favorite Bradley. He was miserable most of the time. He was in the hospital twice when ulcers in his stomach and intestines bled out. He developed severe depression, a drinking/drug problem, and despite having a band and friends, never felt more alone in his life. He hated Portland and couldn’t wait to leave. To him, Portland epitomized everything he hated in life. It was full of entitled, exclusionary people and was almost completely white. He never fit in and knew he never could. He did some good shit though. He made two records with his band, the Charlatans. He played a bunch of shows and learned how to lead a rock ‘n’ roll band. You know some of the titles like “This Old House,” “Friday Night is for the Drinkers,” “Just Like Jon Fickes,” “Lookin’ at Luckey” and “Let’s Go Out Tonight.” He met his future wife and got married. Once they were married, he packed his bags and moved on to whatever awaits us after death…
Charlotte Bradley - Hi. This is Charlotte Bradley. I quit my good paying sales job (sales is not a great job for an Aspie…) to become a full-time musician. In my first year here, I was on pace to play around 110-120 shows. But then, you know… As weeks stretched into months, I drifted back towards some of my worst tendencies. I’m OK but could be better. I did put together a great new band and we have a new sound that I think you’re going to love. It’s so much fun to work on some newer material which I’m hoping to record soon, though we know “soon” is relative these days…
Do I know I grew up in WI and that I moved to NYC? Sure, but it just doesn’t feel like I did. It’s sort of like I read it in a book sometime a while back but can’t remember which one so I just sort of hold onto those memories loosely in my brain. I can’t quite describe it but that’s close.
I feel this disconnect is extremely helpful when writing songs. Since I’m not immediately connected to the stories, I believe I can tell the more accurately and without the emotional baggage that typically comes with memories, good or bad. My Asperger’s allows me to be more factual and honest in my storytelling. I feel more like a reporter than someone wistfully remembering days gone by. Is it a bummer sometimes to feel no emotional connection to your memories? Sure. If I wasn’t writing music about them, I would likely lament the loss of their meaning and significance to my life. But, since I do write about them, I feel this strange process in my brain is at least going towards a worthwhile cause. Again, like most things in life, being an Aspie is both good and bad, and you have to make the best of it. Lean into it where it’s good, try to minimize where it’s bad.
Theory #3 - I kinda don’t give a shit about other people’s opinions
I kinda do, we all do, but I mostly kinda don’t. This is a very helpful skill in being an artist. It frees me from an artistic constraints or trying to do something for the sake of it being liked. When I put out my latest EP (which was 27 years ago, or back in April, who knows…), music for depressed alcoholic autistic people, I wasn’t worried that it didn’t sound anything like any of other music I had ever created. I wasn’t worried that perhaps no one would like it, and the three weeks I spent emailing blogs, newspapers, etc. to try and promote it would be a pointless endeavor. I wasn’t worried that I had spent months working on it and perhaps no one would ever hear it. I kinda just didn’t a shit. It’s freeing. And wonderful. I believe it to be the best thing I’ve ever done, and I’ve recorded a rock ‘n’ roll album live to tape in an amazing studio, which I then had pressed on VINYL (and yes, the vinyl sounds substantially different/better than the CD or the streaming product since we did it that way) so, you know. It was a sound I heard in my head for years but struggled to figure out how to create it until I finally just bought a Moog synth even though I cannot play anything with keys and didn’t know how it worked. Even my buddy was like “why the hell did you buy that? Do you even know how to use it?” But, again, I don’t give a shit and (cue Cartman voice) I do what I want.
The other part of this theory is there are so many things that can sidetrack a musician, like worrying about:
what other people think of them
what other people think of their music/art/writing/etc.
what other people might say if they do x/y/z
how other people might feel if they do x/y/z
how many people clicked on their whatever on social media
how many people streamed their song/music video/etc.
how many people showed up to their show/event/etc.
whether people might like their new music/art/writing/etc.
whether they might look stupid by doing or saying something
And worrying about those things can cause you to do things in ways that aren’t always in your best interests. It can affect the quality and type of work you are doing because you’re starting with an end goal like “I want people to click on this a lot” instead of “what’s the best I can do and where does this project take itself?” And look, we all want people to like us and our art, click on our social media whatever, come to the show, think we’re cool, etc., I do too. I just refuse to let it dictate what I do, which is possible because of my Asperger’s.
As far as songwriting, it’s been very liberating. You can see it manifest pretty starkly from my first album, Burn What You Can, Bury the Rest…, to my second, “In My Youth, I’m Getting Old…” On BWYCBTR (my fucking album titles are too long…), most of the songs were symmetrical and followed pretty established structures like: intro, verse, prechorus, chorus, repeat all, then bridge, usually going to the minor 6th, 3rd chorus, outro with solo. I just felt like that is the rock ‘n’ roll structure and that’s what people want/expect. I was also just a younger songwriter who was still finding his way. Unsurprisingly, two of the ones that didn’t exactly follow that structure, “This Old House” and “Just Like Jon Fickes,” are the two people tell me they love the most. Go figure.
For the second record, IMYIGO, I decided not to follow the rules so rigidly. I would just let the song come out the way it came out, instead of piecing it together in a regimented way. Suddenly, the lengths of verses and choruses fluctuated throughout the song. A song might have bridge after the first verse and then a middle 8 later. Maybe the chorus didn’t come in until the end of the song. Maybe it had two choruses and no prechorus. Who knows. It was more fun for me to write this way, and it’s something I’m exploring even more these days.
A great example of how my songwriting changed is how long it took the new band to learn each record. The first one, easy breezy. The songs are linear and make sense after a couple listens. The second, with all the irregular verses and choruses, songs with multiple bridges, a pause here and here but not there, etc., took quite a bit longer. And the new stuff we’re working on is even more detailed, we hardly play two verses the same now. It’s fun. I know that people tend to prefer the more straightforward stuff, but I’m an Aspie and I do what I do, usually to my own detriment. People have been asking for “This Old House pt. II” for years and I just can’t do it. I know it would sell (or stream, since hardly anyone buys music these days), but it’s just not something I’ve been interested in making up until now. Though, I have been starting to work on a side project with my duet partner from that song/my now wife, so who knows. Maybe we will finally do that.
Anyways, I hope this helps you understand a little bit more about what it’s like to be a musician with Asperger’s, like me. Again, my experiences are unique to me and the above theories are just that, theories. But, I truly believe being an Aspie has helped me more than it has hurt me. I will always consider it a gift and not a disorder to try and overcome. That’s why I still use the term “Asperger’s” despite the official diagnosis being called “autism spectrum disorder.” It most definitely is a spectrum, but I can’t get on board with the “d” word. I realize that I am not as far out on the spectrum as others so that likely plays a role in my saying that, and I’m not diminishing the individuals and families struggling with it by saying it’s a “gift.” But, for me, it is, and I’m proud to say that.