While I enjoy what might be the last weekend we have as a democratic society, I am reveling in one of my favorite hobbies to help cheer me up. What might that be? Writing some new music for the band’s next record/the first record with the new Charlotte-based Charlatans? Drunkenly playing Bob Dylan songs to the annoyance of my wife? Re-watching Super Bowls XXXI and XLV, aka the Packers latest Super Bowl wins? Doomscrolling the news until I can no longer function as a human anymore? Making my delicious cabbage recipe (I make seriously some good cabbage. My wife will literally eat just a plateful of cabbage, it’s that good. Bacon, apple cider vinegar, some water, brown sugar, salt, pepper, a little chili powder and if you want a little more oomph, a diced Granny Smith apple. Fucking yum; and I used to hate cabbage…)?
Yes, I will likely do all of those things this weekend but the one I’m most excited about is, drumroll please… watching terrible movies with my wife. I fucking love watching terrible movies. They bring me so much joy. But, watching a terrible movie is better when you watch it with someone so you can both make fun of it. Unfortunately for my wife, that means she also has to watch lots of terrible movies; which she does not enjoy quite as much as I do. It does seem like a fair trade-off for the dozens and dozens of Hallmark movies that I have to watch each year. She kind of likes watching bad movies. I kind of like watching Hallmark movies. It’s a “kind of” win-win, I guess…
I know, if I enjoy watching it then isn’t it no longer a terrible movie? The answer is a resounding “no.” Things can be fun to enjoy and still be terrible. Just look at Drake and Post Malone. I’ve never actually heard an entire Drake or Post Malone song because I always get so bored, tune out and have to switch to something else. But, millions of people enjoy them. So, see? It’s easy for people to love things that are terrible.
So, without further ado, these are the four best/worst movies that I’ve made my poor wife watch with me. In no particular order, they are:
The Room
This might be the most beloved terrible movie on this list. You don’t make a behind the scenes biopic with Seth Rogen and James Franco about a movie people hate. But, this movie is most assuredly terrible. It’s like a triple-decker shit sandwich as the acting, dialogue and story are all competing to be the worst part of the movie. And yet, I watch this movie at least a few times every year. It has some crazy fun quotable lines like “You’re tearing me apart, Lisa” and “Oh, hi Mark.” It’s also just so damn enjoyable and never seems to get old.
The writer, director and star, Tommy Wiseau, is such a compelling guy. Part of that has to be that no one really knows that much about him, where came from or where he came up with the $6 million to make this film (since so many people have been watching this ironically these days, I wonder if he has broken even yet). He’s such a strange guy. I wish I could know more about him and why he is the way he is.
Anyway, he doesn’t seem to understand how humans talk or act. He also doesn’t seem to understand how human emotions work at all. And if someone with Asperger’s, like me, thinks you’re bad at understanding emotions and verbal communication, then you must be really fucking bad.
If you haven’t seen it yet, you absolutely should. I cannot recommend this one highly enough. If I were President, I would make a law ensuring everyone watches this at least one time in their lives. It should be a crime not to.
By the way, if you want to watch something that’s utterly insane from Tommy Wiseau, CHECK OUT HIS TV SHOW CALLED NEIGHBORS. I love terrible things that are also very weird, but this took me right to my limit. I still watched all of it but I literally had to take a break between episodes, it’s that fucking bizarre. Another friend of mine who loves The Room couldn’t make it through one episode. He said it was too much. So, if you like crazy shit, check that out.
Krull
This is the one my wife will never, ever, under any circumstances watch again. She’s still mad at me for making her watch this and that was six fucking years ago. If I even just mention the word “Krull” she has a visceral reaction. If we ever get divorced, I guarantee the words “he made me watch Krull” will come up at some point. But, she’s wrong. This movie fucking rules. Not many movies can say they’ve been spoofed multiple times by both Family Guy and Robot Chicken. That’s a high honor usually reserved for movies like Star Wars. This is most definitely not Star Wars. Yes, it is set in sci-fi world and there’s a princess who is captured by the bad guys but that’s where the comparison ends. In Star Wars, there’s tense action and amazing characters and a riveting (and comprehensible) story. In Krull, there’s a guy who has to find a magic weapon and some old man who is the only one who can see where the bad guy is or something like that. Don’t worry, they didn’t put much thought into the plot and neither should you.
Sure, the movie is slow, like really fucking slow. Sure, the Glaive (the crazy five-sided weapon) is just sitting there to be grabbed after this enormous build up and crazy journey to find it. Sure, the weapon basically defeats the monster at the end all by itself, apparently needing literally anyone to just pick it up and throw it in the general direction for it to do its thing. Sure, most of the time you have no idea why they are doing the things they are. BUT, this movie does have Liam Neeson in it; so it has that going for it, which is nice.
I would rate this one as a “you should probably watch it to help you understand those Family Guy and Robot Chicken references.” Other than that, it’s not one I pop on more than maybe every other year. And always well after my wife has gone to bed. So, for the good of your relationships out there, don’t make you significant other watch this unless they really want to. And, even then, make sure to get that in writing so they can’t bring it up against you during your potential future divorce hearings…
Mannequin
So, one of my favorite memories ever is watching Mannequin… on the TV guide channel. My wife and I were looking for something to watch, so we flipped on the guide channel. Little did I know that the guide channel shows (or showed, not sure if it’s still around) actual movies and TV shows while it scrolled the channel/lineup listings. Well, lo and behold, Mannequin was on and we had only missed like twenty minutes. I asked my wife (yes, she has a name, Brianne, but like everyone else out there, I’ve spent the past week watching and re-watching Borat 2) if she had ever seen Mannequin. Of course, the answer was “no.” I said she has to watch it and after a few more pleas, she relented and said she’d watch a few minutes. After a bit, she turns and asks “is he gonna have sex with the mannequin?” I knew right then and there I had her. Now, she had to find out if he was going to, indeed, bang that mannequin. So, we watched the rest of the movie as the guide scrolled on and on.
During one of the seemingly infinite amount of commercials, they played an ad for a TV Guide original show. WHAT?! The TV Guide Channel makes original shows?! It was called “Still Holding On” which was about what Wilson Phillips is up to in 2012. Shit, now we have to watch that. Wilson Phillips is one of my wife’s favorite bands from back in the day; which, in case you’re wondering, was a Tuesday, a Tuesday. For like the next month and a half (I’m pretty sure there are only like 6 episodes), we tuned in every week to see what was up with ol’ WP. They would always make these epic, drama-filled trailers for next week’s episode which were hilarious. One of them would burst into tears and quit the band. Then, when you saw it on the next episode, someone was just tired at the end of a long rehearsal and was just “quitting” to go home for the night. I’d highly recommend watching that if you can find it and care at all about Wilson Phillips. If I was making a list of the worst/best reality TV shows, that would definitely be on it.
Oh yeah, we were talking about Mannequin. One of the things that has always struck me about Kim Cattrall is that I find her attractive in exactly one film: Police Academy. She’s so hot in that movie and then so not in every other thing she’s done. I don’t understand how that beautiful girl from Police Academy turned into this just a couple years later. Look, she’s not an ugly woman by any means, but just not anywhere near as good looking as she was for that one movie. She set the bar so high in that one film and then never got near it again. It’s weird to me. Am I the only one? I had to confirm this with my wife who readily agreed. So, it isn’t just me. She was also pretty confounded.
But, I got sidetracked again. Back to Mannequin, I would recommend watching this if for no other reason than to see a man bang a mannequin. Yup, it happens. Go check it out.
Since all good things come in fours (or just because that’s my favorite number), I’ll end on this one; and this one is a whopper…
Freddy Got Fingered
The only movie I ever bought digitally from Amazon because Amazon does not let you actually own any movie you buy, you only get to stream it unlimitedly while they carry it on their service. Just another reason to fucking hate Amazon. But, that was the only place I could find this movie years ago. Not sure if it’s available to purchase anywhere else now, but I doubt it. There doesn’t seem to be much appetite for this film.
I’m gonna start by saying that I love Tom Green. I loved his TV show and watched every episode since the day MTV picked it up. His brand of humor is so unique and amazing. And though Tom Green is hated by many, he would often do what Sacha Baron Cohen does in that he would do something outrageous to see how people would react. And those reactions, or under/overreactions, would become the joke. Yes, sometimes it was far more crass or idiotic but he allowed people to expose themselves through their own actions or inaction. I also loved that the bro-idiot crowd completely missed the irony of his comedy. He was, in fact, often making fun of people like them and yet they thought he was the coolest thing ever because he did things like drink milk straight from a cows udder or hump a moose. But, he was doing those things to see how people would react, not because of the act itself. That’s the rub and I also think there’s a lot people, my wife included, that just thought he was an idiot for doing what he did. But, if you ask her about the best comedy shows she’s been to, she would absolutely put Tom Green near the top of the list. I had to beg her to go and she thanked me for it later. One of a few times that’s happened. Some other examples were going to see Damien Rice and Joanna Newsom in concert. I hope those balance out the Krull’s I’ve made her sit through…
Anyway, on to the actual movie. Freddy Got Fingered follows along the same path as his show. It’s hilarious at times. It’s weird at times. It has a lot to do with his parents. All those trademark Tom Green moves. It has some insanely catchy gags like THE BACKWARDS MAN and DADDY, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME SAUSAGE that I quote at least weekly, sometimes daily. As for the plot, it’s that everyday tale about a young man who gets his Chrysler LeBaron convertible and heads to L.A. to try and sell the comics he’s created. He meets a girl, gets into shenanigans and some tomfoolery (Ha! Puns…) and then twirls a baby around a hospital room by its umbilical cord. You know, the usual stuff.
Also, I do want to note, that this movie was way more successful than most people give it credit for. It’s a low budget comedy that made over $14 million at the box office and over $25 million via DVD/digital sales. Tom has even said it’s the thing that gets quoted to him the most when he travels. Not stuff from his show, but lines from this movie. He also mentioned this as a reason as to why it didn’t do as well as projected:
It made $14 million at the box office, okay? Which basically means that it actually made its budget money back. But there was also a pretty scientific understanding that all of my fans were buying tickets to Crocodile Dundee and then sneaking into my movie because it was R-rated. You literally couldn’t get a seat in a theater where my movie was playing that opening weekend. All over Los Angeles the theaters were packed. A lot of things about the way people write about that Freddy Got Fingered are unfair.
That’s from an INTERVIEW HE DID WITH VULTURE, if you want to read the full story. Anyways, I would also put this into the “must watch before you die” category unless you are easily offended or hate funny things. I know a lot of people think this is just a dumb movie with dumb jokes by a dumb guy but it’s really difficult to make things that are both simple, catchy and genius, like “daddy, would you like some sausage.” He’s a very smart and brave man for making the comedy he has, and continues to do. I would highly recommend his standup show as well. It’s nothing like his TV show or this movie but when we saw him he did have some great insight on Trump as he did a season of the Apprentice back in the day. Which, again, was a Tuesday, just so we’re clear.
Anyway, enjoy that extra hour this weekend, as it may be one of our last as a free society. Have fun, wear a mask and, if you haven’t already, VOTE!
