Track #1 - i started killing myself years ago...

As I mentioned in my album introduction blog (which you READ HERE) which talks about the album as a whole, why I made it, why it’s called “music for depressed alcoholic autistic people,” amongst other things, I am going to be writing about each individual song as well. Each of these songs is tied to my having depression, alocholism and/or Asperger’s, and was either a traumatic experience I needed help in understanding myself or something I wanted other people to know they’re not alone in experiencing. It’s been an exhaustive process of diving back into this world and reliving these events while recording these tunes but I felt it was important for me to make this record. Both for me personally, and for those who might need to hear something like this, especially in these uncertain times when I know there is a strain on people’s mental health.

I will be talking about the songs both from a story/inspiration standpoint and also a musical standpoint (i.e. why it sounds like it does, choices that I made that represent other things like being alone, my Meniere’s disease, being drunk, etc.) and any other things I think are relevant/interesting. I wanted to give a little peek behind the curtain of what goes on in my mind when I make a record, especially one this honest and personal. If you do have questions/comments that I do not address, feel free to comment below and I will do my best to answer them. When it comes to my music, there are some things that I think about way too much and some things I never really think about, so I may or may not have a great answer, but I’ll do my best to be as honest and straightforward as possible. Anyhow, on to the song!

“i started killing myself years ago…”

i sing these songs for you though i’ve sang them for others

and every word rang true, at least for a moment

we were too fucked up to care

we were too fucked up to care, anyhow

most nights, i wish we never met

i started killing myself years ago, i just haven’t finished yet…

some nights I still dream, though i’m always dying

before i can save you but i’ll never stop trying

we were too fucked up to care

we were too fucked up to care, anyhow

most nights, i wish we never met

i started killing myself years ago, i just haven’t finished yet…

Music Notes:

This is the only song on the album that features none of the Moog synth featured on the other three songs. This is sort of how all the songs sounded when I did the initial demos. Since I can’t actually play keyboards/synths, I would write and quickly record all the different parts on my guitar and then clumsily notate and translate them to the Moog synth to replace the scratch guitar tracks one at a time. It was a tedious process where I’d come up with a part, record it, figure out what notes it is, then figure out how to play those notes on the synth, then figure out how I wanted them to sound and, finally, record what you hear on the album. I have pages of notes from these songs that have every note scribbled out, e.g. VERSE: A, B, C, B, A, D, etc. and on and on. But, no matter what I did with this song, the original demo always sounded better. Something always got lost in the translation. I finally gave up trying to rebuild the song and what you hear in the naked, original demo version of the song, with the original scratch lead vocal and the guitar parts that I recorded almost two years ago. For those who don’t know, a “scratch” track (vocal, guitar, bass, etc.) is a hastily recorded part that is mostly for timing of the song. You don’t really focus on levels, how it sounds, how you performed, etc., you just record it so you can play the other parts along to it and then re-record it later. This song is all “scratch” tracks that never got replaced. That seemed kind of fitting for a song like this. It felt right, like I didn’t care enough to go through the process of making it sound like the other songs, it just is what it is. I like that about this song. The song doesn’t care, both from a lyrical and musical standpoint. It’s very Asperger’s/Autistic in that way. The more you try to change it, the more it’ll fight to stay the same.

Story notes:

One of the things I’ve noticed about myself over the years is I don’t look at my past like most people. Once I’ve moved, had a breakup or any other big life change, I feel like a new person. I don’t feel a connection to the previous versions of me. They feel more like chapters in a book that I’ve read dozens of times, so I know all the beats but I’m just recounting their stories, not my story. I don’t know if that’s an Asperger’s thing or not, I suspect it is, but it’s certainly a strange feeling. And, because of that, I tend to do the same things over and over (definitely an Asperger’s thing) throughout my life, which, also means I make the same mistakes over and over, like, say, getting into bad relationships. Not necessarily with people who are bad but with people who are bad for me. Like people who accentuate my worst tendencies. People who like the worst aspects of me. For me, that’s people who enjoy chaos. I love living in chaos, but in the worst way. It’s a very destructive place for me to dwell in. I also enjoy drugs and alcohol. So, when someone pushes me to stay in that chaotic, drug-filled world, they don’t have to push hard. Over the years, I learned how to go into that world enough to fill my darker desires, but how to also avoid going there each and every day. But, it doesn’t take much to get me to want to live there. and a pretty girl is more than enough motivation.

One of the side effects of living in that world, for me at least, is night terrors. The deeper down the hole I go, the worse they get. I’ve woken up with bruised or bleeding hands and feet, black eyes, hell, even a broken ankle once because of night terrors. The worst part of the night terrors was that each time I died in the dream (usually very viscerally, I might add), the dream just started over. And, even when I thought I’d woken up, I was often still in the dream. I’d awake in my bed and everything looked normal. But, then I’d notice something is off, like the clock said it was 8:10am but it was still dark out, and I’d be magically whisked away back to the beginning of the dream to die a few more times. Then, I’d finally wake up again and get up to pee, but the bathroom light switch didn’t work and… back to the beginning of the dream, again. It was like a cruel video game. I got to remember my progress so I could get a little further each time or try new strategies. But, in the end, it just keeps going and going. It's why I love the movies "Happy Death Day" and "Inception" so much. For once, I thought maybe it wasn't just me who experienced dreams like this.

Here’s an example of a recurring dream I have: I’m standing outside a 5 story brick apartment building that is likely located in New York City, even though I’ve been having this dream long before I lived in New York City so I’m just now realizing it’s probably based on April O’Neil’s apartment from the “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie, and the building is on fire (again, probably from the TMNT movie) and it’s my job to save as many people as possible. I race into the first floor and help the 2-3 people who are trapped on this floor. Then, I move to the second floor, there’s a family of three, mom, young son and younger daughter, which I help out of the building. The fire is growing and spreading and some of the ceiling starts to fall around me. I know it’s getting worse. The girl I’m trying to save is on the fourth floor (this probably because 4 is my favorite number). If I go to the third floor, I might not make it up to her, so I go straight to the fourth. I race past a few screams for help on the third floor and I find her and couple other stragglers. We head for the stairs (it’s a walk-up, not that we would opt for the elevator). The fire is now crazy out of control and debris is falling everywhere. As we get down to the second story landing, a large piece of debris falls on us and kills us all.

Back to the beginning. I’m outside the building again. This time, I’ll try working top down as the top floors seem less stable than the bottom floors plus I’ll get to the girl sooner. So, up to the fifth floor. I find and help a few people all the way down. Because this takes longer, the fire is already spreading further than before it seems. I find my girl on the fourth floor, but this time there’s more people in the apartments around her. Apparently, the first time they either died before I could get there or a few others managed to escape on their own. So, now we have a larger group headed down the stairs. As we pass the second floor, the girl sees the family and races to help them. I decide to take the group I have downstairs and come back for her. It’s on the second floor and I think I still have time. After assisting the group outside, I race back into the building but the fire is out of control now. I can see the girl on the second floor stairwell with the family but some debris has damaged the stairs and the landing is on fire. She lowers the kids down the side of stairwell to me and I race them out of the building. By the time I get back, she and the mother are gone and the building is falling apart all around me. With her gone, I just stand there and await my fate. Back to the beginning…

Wait, maybe not. I wake up sweaty and a little sore in my bed. But, for some reason I can’t fully open my eyes. I only get fleeting glances at the room around me as I struggle to wake myself up and get out of this dream so I don’t have to play again. After struggling for a few minutes, I realize I’m not really awake and I slowly drift back into dreamland. Back to the beginning…

That could go on all night, and because of all that, it was easier for me to drink until I passed out than to risk dreaming at night. If I drank enough, I wouldn’t dream. Seemed like a simple choice: risk injuring myself while also torturing myself with dreams where I continually experience painful deaths OR just get fucked up, black out and come to the next morning not remembering anything. So, I chose the latter most nights. I knew the things I was doing to my body were unhealthy but I couldn’t stop. I didn’t want to stop. I knew I was putting myself on a path that would eventually kill me but I was OK with that. That would take years and I wasn’t worried about years from now, I was worried about being able to sleep for a few hours each night. If all this ended up killing me years from now, I could accept that trade off. I had to get to work the next morning and I was still only 24. There was still plenty of time...

Of course, I wasn’t thinking about any of that when I wrote the song. Those are all things I’ve come to realize afterwards. I’m going to talk about my songwriting process in a short video this week, but the songs typically come out quickly (I think the longest I’ve ever worked on a song is about forty five minutes), usually come in sets of 2-3, and they just flow out naturally. It’s like an out of body experience. So, I don’t sit down and think “I’ll write one about night terrors.” I’ll just find a few chords I like and a couple songs will pop out. There’s actually a sister song to this one which is completely about the night terrors that will be on the next “music for depressed alcoholic autistic people” record. Yes, I already have written the next record, but let’s enjoy this one for a while first, shall we.

So, if what you’ve read about above has interested you and you’d like to purchase/donate to the cause, there are a few options:

1. Go to https://bradleywik.bandcamp.com/. You can stream for free or purchase (hint: you can also donate a little extra past the $4, if you like)

2. As I know these are trying times and people could use some entertainment, you can also download the record for FREE (CLICK HERE to access the google drive link with mp3’s of the record) with optional donation to: https://www.paypal.me/bradleywik

Thanks for reading and listening. I’ll be back soon with more info on track #2 - “the promise (please don’t die tonight).”

-30-

NEW MUSIC (for free)! "music for depressed alcoholic autistic people" is out now!

so, you’re probably wondering where ol bradley wik has been the last couple weeks. i mean, no one can leave the house so shouldn’t you be writing more often? valid question, but i’ve been quickly finishing up my latest ep/record entitled “music for depressed alcoholic autistic people” so i could get it out to you as soon as possible. it’s four brand new songs and a pretty stark departure from my typical two guitars, bass and drums approach. it’s finally ready (or as close as i will likely get it as i had to record, mix and master myself at my apartment. the latter two skills are not ones that come easily to me…) and i’m not even waiting until the traditional friday release day. it’s wednesday and that’s good enough for me.

you’re also probably wondering why i made a record called “music for depressed alcoholic autistic people.” well, it’s both extremely simple and very complicated, which is pretty much how everything is for me. you see, i have asperger’s. or autism spectrum disorder. call it what you like. i prefer asperger’s since it doesn’t have the word “disorder” in it, which implies something negative. personally, i prefer to see my asperger’s as a positive thing. it’s why i play music in the first place (which is a story unto itself, which YOU CAN READ HERE). my asperger’s is the reason i was able to make this record. which, again, is both good and bad. the songs are good but terrifically depressing if you listen to the lyrics. or, even if you just glance at the song titles (you can click on the titles to read about each song individually):

“i started killing myself years ago…”

“the promise (please don’t die tonight)”

“we are not alone”

“what are we supposed to do now that we’ve wasted our youth?”

two about death, one about contemplating it and one about the night i stabbed both my arms to prove to myself that i was still real because the grocery store was closed (i’ll explain that sentence more when i write about “we are not alone”).

so, again, why is the album called “music for depressed alcoholic autistic people?”

here’s the simple answer: that’s what i am and these were the types of songs i needed over the years but couldn’t find.

here’s the complicated answer (my wife likes to constantly tell me how much i tend to complicate things…): i’ve spent years trying to get in touch with myself and my emotions. that’s not something that asperger’s people do well. it wasn’t until recently that i can finally say with confidence that i can tell the difference between feeling hungry and feeling sick to my stomach. this is true. you can ask my wife. it once led to me pooping my pants on a christmas eve drive down to see my wife’s family. i didn’t know back then that i was becoming lactose-intolerant and was enjoying some (already questionable based on the “best by” date) eggnog in my morning coffee. i actually yelled “why am i so hungry all the sudden?!” right before a little poo came out as i sprinted towards the rest stop toilet... wait, that’s not what i’m supposed to be talking about right now. dammit! only a few hundred words in and i’m already way off topic.

but, over the years, i’ve never really understood myself. i could understand other people much better. not their emotions and feelings, but their stories, their shortcomings, their strengths, etc. i could learn about what made them tick and why they did the things they did. i became an astute observer of human beings. i started to realize the reason i did this was because i wanted to be able to figure myself out, which i couldn’t. i didn’t seem to act and think linearly like the people i watched. why was i always the one that didn’t do what he was supposed to in a given circumstance? why did i struggle to react to things the way others do? why did i always seem to say or do the wrong thing given the situation? why couldn’t i just be “normal?” i wanted answers but found none.

once i became a musician, i saw this reflected in my songwriting. for most of my songwriting career, i wrote songs about other people. i watched the world around me and recorded the stories of people who passed through my life. sure, i was a part of many of the stories and always put a little of myself into them so i could tell the story better, but i was mostly telling my stories through other people. some of it was because i was young and i hadn’t experienced a lot yet, but mostly it was because it was easier for me to do it that way. i did write some pretty straightforward autobiographical songs like “midwest winters” or “i am not afraid,” but many of my songs are not directly about me and my stories. songs like “lookin’ at luckey,” “just like jon fickes,” “some girls (still love rock n’ roll),” “this old house,” “friday night is for the drinkers,” etc. are all examples of that. those songs have little (if anything) to do with me. they’re mostly observations and recollections, usually of women i know or once knew. 

with this record, i didn’t want to write about others. i wanted to write things that were intensely personal and write about them as simply and honestly as possible (these songs have the least amount of lyrics of anything i’ve ever written. one song is literally just two lines). i wanted to focus on some of the darkest moments in my life and try to write for that person. what did that version of myself need from a song? what could he have heard that might make him feel more connected to the world and less alone in his depression? what thoughts could he have understood better if he had heard them articulated and set to music (his preferred way of understanding himself)?

that’s what “music for depressed alcoholic autistic people” is. it’s me telling myself it’s ok to have these dark thoughts. it’s me telling myself that what i’m feeling is not singular to me. it’s me telling myself (literally in one song) that i am not alone in the world, other people understand what i’m going through, which somehow makes it a little easier. it’s me explaining these feelings and thoughts to myself in a way that allows me to understand them better. and by doing that, it’s me telling others the same. if i needed to hear these things, i know others need to as well. i’m not saying that to sound arrogant, but to imply that i realize i’m not some unique snowflake. i’m not the only one who has been depressed for long periods of time. i’m not the only one who thinks about death on a regular basis. i’m not the only one who dies in almost all their dreams. i’m not the only one who has done things they’re ashamed to talk about. i’m not the only one people called the police on because they were worried they might kill themselves.

i am not alone. you are not alone. we are not alone… i want to help you understand yourself a little better the way i learned to understand myself a little better, through song. i want to tell you that you can get through this, i did.

there’s another thing i’d like to impress upon you as well. i’m not writing about depressing things to glorify them, to make you depressed or to fetishize my depression in any way. as someone who struggles with, or has struggled with, mental health issues, drug and alcohol abuse, ill-advised sexual activities, etc., i don’t appreciate when people make being fucked up sound cool. i’m not advocating for people to use drugs, alcohol, depression, etc. as an excuse to do fucked up shit to others either. i just want to talk about my experiences so maybe someone out there won’t go down the path i did or can start to pull themselves out of a bad place after hearing my stories. if you’re going through something, i hope these songs will make you feel better in some small way, or, at least, less alone.

i also wanted to make something that talks about and normalizes (well, in some ways) asperger’s/autism. please know that these songs were written and made by someone who has asperger’s: me. i can do anything other people can (except properly react to emotions), and i can do many things, like music and math and the new york times spelling bee game, better than most. i’m not weird (well, i guess i am but in the ways you might think). i don’t look funny. i don’t talk funny (seriously, wait til i’m playing shows again and come hear my terrible attempts at jokes…). in fact, i’ve never had anyone be able to tell that i have asperger’s until i told them. i realize i’m not as far out on the spectrum as others, but i’ve done most things in life just like others. i went to school, got straight a’s, played sports, was in the high school band as a trombone player (so i could make the “bwwwooommp” sad trombone/fart sound at inopportune times), held down and excelled at jobs. yes, i’ve also done a lot of fucked things over the years but who’s to say i wouldn’t have done those things anyways even if i didn’t have asperger’s?

anyhow, over the next week or so, i’m also going to write about each song, post the lyrics, tell the stories and explain why i chose them for this record. each song has special meaning to me and i’ve been wanting to make this record for a long time. there are sounds on this album i’ve been dreaming about making for over ten years. i didn’t know how to make them until recently. a couple of the songs were written almost three years ago but i didn’t know what to do with them yet. my yearslong journey of trying to understand myself (for the record, i still mostly don’t) also coincided with my yearslong journey to find the sounds i’ve been hearing in my head but couldn’t articulate. it’s a record i’ve wanted to make forever but didn’t understand myself or my music enough to do it until now.

all sounds on this record were recorded in my various apartments (a few parts date back to my time in portland, or which is where these stories mostly take place. i fucking hate portland, or… don’t get me started… thank you for not getting me started...) with a very simple setup:

• my trusty martin d-15 acoustic guitar

• an audio-technica at4040 condenser mic

• a shure bullet mic

• and a moog sub37 synth

this album plays around a lot with melody (some parts have up to a dozen separate melodies happening all at once), with noise as an instrument, with putting acoustic guitar and voice over the top of synth chaos (literally, at some points), with taking small, sad-bastard type songs and blowing them out (while keeping one of them small and intimate, it just always sounded better than any other version i tried), and other things i’ve wanted to try ever since i heard bands like radiohead, wilco, the jesus and mary chain and my bloody valentine play around with noise and chaos. i always wanted to make this version of it. some sort of hybrid between noisy synth pop and sad-bastard acoustic music. i’m happy i finally have something to present to you. it’s the first music i’ve made that i actually still listen to. after spending so much time writing, recording, editing, mixing, etc., it still somehow sounds new to me. it’s an interesting development and we’ll see if that lasts…

this record will be available via itunes, spotify, etc. soon but i wanted to get this to you as soon as possible so i am making it available on my website (for free, but also feel “free” to donate via venmo or paypal unless you’re one of the generous souls who have already donated to the cause; looking at you hal, anne, matt, and, of course, mom) and ON BANDCAMP (with a suggested donation for download but you can stream for free).

as this sounds nothing like anything i’ve ever released, i recommend taking a listen before deciding whether to purchase/donate in case this isn’t your cup of tea. there are no drums, guitar solos or songs about cars and rock n’ roll, you know, my usual fare, on here. but, if you want something that is sonically unique, extremely heartfelt and honest, at times (intentionally) hard to listen to (both lyrically and literally) and something that is the most bradley wik thing i’ve ever made, click, download, listen, and then, i’ll ask this small favor of you, share.

if someone you know is going through a tough time and could use music like this, share it with them. if someone you know likes weird, fucked-up-but-in-beautiful-way-type music, share it with them. if someone you know is in the music business and would like to pay me to make more music like this, please, and i can’t stress this enough, share it with them.

anyways, enough of my ramblings, go listen to my new music!!

So, if what you’ve read about above has interested you and you’d like to purchase/donate to the cause, there are a few options:

1. Go to https://bradleywik.bandcamp.com/. You can stream for free or purchase (hint: you can also donate a little extra past the $4, if you like)

2. As I know these are trying times and people could use some entertainment, you can also download the record for FREE (CLICK HERE to access the google drive link with mp3’s of the record) with optional donation to: https://www.paypal.me/bradleywik or through Venmo (@bradleywik)

-30-

Music is amazing... aka... Sometimes life reminds you that you're doing the right things...

I just finished up a mini-run of shows and I’m going through a bit of show withdrawal, which is likely more of an adrenaline withdrawal, I suppose. I got to see some new towns out here in North Carolina over the past week and I can’t wait to get back out to them. Greensboro, Fayetteville, Pinehurst, you were awesome and we’ll definitely be back sooner than later. Keep an eye out for those return dates…

Something else amazing happened over the past week or so that I would like to talk about today. I got some awesome reminders about the power of music, specifically, my music. As an artist, especially a struggling artist like myself, it’s easy to lose yourself in the daily grind. I suppose that’s probably true for most people. It’s easy to get sucked into tasks, to-do lists, the things that you’ve been putting off but want to focus on someday, the things you need to do right now to make sure you’ll make that rent money, etc., etc. But, when you’re making art, it’s easy to always be thinking about the next thing, the next show, the next new song, the next album, and on and on. Maybe it’s not like that for everyone, but from my talks with my musical friends, it seems like that’s always the deal. Part of it is so you don’t dwell on everything you wish you could change on the last album (and there’s always more things than you can count) but part of it is the reason we make music to begin with, that mysterious energy that forces a normal person to live in a different world where they feel responsible to bring new sounds and new stories to the world they feel no other person can. Sure, some people just make music because it’s fun, but a lot of the people I know feel like they HAVE to do it or cosmically something won’t be right in the world. It sounds egotistical, and to a certain degree, it is. But, for me, and I’m sure lots of others out there, it feels like you’re trying to help others. Others, who like me, maybe feel like they don’t fit into the world like everyone else, who don’t feel very understood or like they understand others, who want to understand themselves a little better, who need something to help them understand and process their emotions a little better, who maybe just want to feel a little less alone in the world, who maybe need something to help turn their mind off or to forget about something they’d rather not think about. That’s why I make music.

I’ll never forget being the kid (and, I guess I still am) who felt all those things. I was 16 and had just torn my achilles. Up until that point, all I did was sports. All I watched on TV was sports. All I talked about was sports. All I did in my free time was play sports. That’s all I knew. I knew that time was ending soon as I was a 5’8”, 150lb white kid from a podunk town in rural Wisconsin, but I wanted to hold onto it as long as I could. It was how I connected to the world around me. School was difficult (not academically as I was a straight-A student but socially and being told what to do and when to do it all day). Conversations with other people were difficult. Relationships and friendships were difficult. But sports was easy. I just had to show up and work my ass off. It made me stop thinking so much, which I desperately needed. Everything was simple and tangible. If I wanted to bench press more weight, I worked out each day and accomplished it. If I wanted to get better at shooting free throws, I shot an extra 100 free throws every day after practice. If I wanted to increase my endurance, I ran wind sprints and hills after football practice and on the weekends. Everything was going smoothly. So, when that all went away when my teammate accidentally stepped on my ankle as I went up for a layup on a breakaway, I didn’t know what to do. I was angry but didn’t know why or what to do with that anger. I was lonely. I was used to spending my free time with my teammates. But, mostly I was lost. I didn’t have a purpose anymore and I didn’t have a goal. I had nothing to chase anymore. The voices in my head grew louder each day.

“What are you doing with your life?”

“You’re a 5’8” white kid from a town of 3000 people, you have no future in sports, you stupid piece of shit.”

“You have no real friends, they were all just teammates.”

“You have 50 or so more years on this planet, what are you gonna do with them? Nothing.”

“You’re a waste of space, you useless, stupid piece of shit.”

“Why don’t you just go get a job at the factory and start running out the clock?”

(By the way, if you haven’t watched the “Stupid Piece of Shit” episode of BoJack Horesman, please do so as it’s fucking uncanny how his internal voices sound so much like mine. Probably not a good thing for me… But, it’ll help you understand the voices in my head better, which you may or may not want to do…)

So, once my injury was mostly healed, I did. I got a job at the local factory sweeping floors, making boxes, stacking products onto pallets, cleaning the bathrooms, basically all the stuff no one else wanted to do. I was 16 and I was grateful to not be working at McDonald’s for minimum wage. I made pretty good money for a high school kid. But, I didn’t know what to do with that money. I briefly got into video games as it was something I could do that wasn’t too physical and it was something my brother and I could share. We had some fucking epic Mario Tennis matches, I’ll tell you what. I bought a sweet/shitty car for $800, a Crown Vic which would later explode on the freeway like it was in a fucking Fast & Furious movie, nearly sending me careening off an overpass. Apparently, the exhaust was a little fucked up and a piece broke off and got lodged in the catalytic converter which continued to build pressure/heat until the entire exhaust and transmission violently burst into flames, spewing car parts all over Highway 151 North. Of course, this happened in the winter, so I was also freezing my ass off while I waited for the tow and a ride home. I also almost got arrested because I was standing next to a car that was still a little on fire, was filled with smoke, I was freezing cold and not in a good mood, so the small town cop decided I was being uncooperative and briefly searched/cuffed me until he realized that that was insane and I was probably not in a good mood since my car just fucking exploded in flames and I nearly died. He promptly left me to stand there in the cold (I couldn’t go back in the car as it was filled with smoke still) and drove off. Good times…

But, none of that replaced that “thing” that sports gave me until I found music (you can read about the specifics of how I came to find music, HERE). Music gave me so much that I felt like it was my duty to give some of that back however I could. If I could help just one person out there with my music, I’d feel like a true success. No amount of money can replicate the feeling I get when someone tells me that my music has affected their life in some way. It’s why I still make music. It’s why I feel like what I do matters, even for the relatively small-ish audience I have. It’s the only external validation I’ll ever need.

I’ve known a lot of musicians who’ve thrown in the towel, or only do music every once in a while, and it’s usually because the goal is money, success, notoriety, etc. If that’s why I made music, I would’ve given up a long time ago. Yes, I’ve achieved at least a little of all those things, but probably not enough to still be going. Music, for me, is much bigger. Music has helped me through the dark times, the happy times and the in-between times (which is the majority of the time), and it has never asked me for anything in return. Music helped me understand myself and my emotions (as a person with Asperger’s, this is no small feat). Music has literally saved my life (I’ll probably tell a couple stories about this soon). And I know that I’m not alone in that. Music can do that for anyone, and does for a lot of people out there. I know because you’ve told me. And the fact that I can be even a small part of that is incredible and something 16 year old me would have never thought possible.

So, why am I telling you all this? Well, I had some people reach out to me over the past couple weeks and I wanted to let everyone know how grateful I am for that, and how grateful I am for every single person out there who has listened and supported me over the years. To hear the stories of how one of my songs (often “This Old House”) has helped them through a breakup, divorce, personal tragedy, depression, death of a family member or friend, or other life-altering moment, is so humbling and I feel so honored that I could give something back to those people. One of the people I heard about recently was someone who was integral in my becoming a musician in the first place. He and his wife were so generous to me when I was that 16 and 17 year old kid who didn’t know what he was doing with his life and I can’t say for certain I’d even be making music if it wasn’t for them. At one point, I think it was just my mom and them as my only fans. So, to hear I was able to give back to him in some way brought back a lot of memories and I got a little misty-eyed. Kind of like right now as I’m writing this.

Also this past week, I got to meet up with someone who wrote some very kind words about my first album all those years ago. You can READ THEM HERE. He lives in North Carolina, looked me up after the album popped back up on a playlist of his and reached out to see if I’d be coming anywhere nearby. I was lucky enough to meet him and his wife at our show in Greensboro, which was awesome. And I have lots of stories like this over the years with people reaching out from places as far away as Spain or the Netherlands or wherever to talk music. I love it. If you’ve been thinking about reaching out but didn’t want to bother me, trust me, it’s no bother at all. I would love it. There are so many times when it seems like I’m just throwing things into the abyss, and it’s moments like those that remind me it’s not true. And I’m so grateful for it. I am grateful for every one of you out there who gives a shit about what I do. And I really mean that. I got one of the nicest compliments this week in Pinehurst. It was one of those shows at a brewery where people kind of come in and out, sort of paying attention, and a man came up to me during a set break and said (I’m paraphrasing here) “I wanted you to know that I told my sons to pay attention to you as there’s a room full of people ignoring more talent on that stage then they’ll likely see again.” Being a musician, or any artist/entrepreneur/athlete/etc. you have to be self-motivated and have the utmost belief in yourself, but I’ll tell you what, it doesn’t hurt to have a week full of reminders that what you are doing matters.

I still remember the first time someone told me my music helped them. I was 19 and living in Seattle. Back then I was a folk singer. And I mean, a folk singer. I’m talking harmonica solos on every song, 2-3 Carter Family and Woody Guthrie tunes per set, as many Dylan-esque turns of phrase as I could muster, the whole gambit. I was playing in the cafe below my building, Caffe Bella (not sure if it’s still there on 5th Ave. under the monorail) and someone came up to me after a show. She was a little misty-eyed when she said “that last song you played was perfect. Like you got me and I’ve been struggling to express why I’ve been so sad lately but that was it.” And that was from a line in a song I wrote because it sounded pretty and rhymed. I don’t remember the exact lyric but it was something along the lines of “My love sleeps by the ocean, on a pillow made of sand.” She went on to tell me that her husband was in the military and was deployed in Iraq and that line just hit her really hard. It made her think about something she hadn’t want to think about and she thanked me for it. All these years later, I don’t remember the song (I might have a recording of it somewhere) but I will always remember that moment. Like I’ve said before, my goal was that if I could help one person with my music, I’d feel like a success. I feel like I’ve been in the bonus ever since that night.

One of my other favorite moments, which I think I’ve written about before, was a show in Eugene, OR. It was our third or fourth show in as many nights and we were a little on edge. I’m sure we had a fight earlier about something stupid like a setlist or where to eat lunch that day. But I remember we weren’t in the best of spirits. It was also one of those classic Northwest days with some pissing rain, wind and just cold enough to be annoying. So the crowd that did come out wasn’t very big. There was maybe 12-15 people tops, most sitting in the back by the bar. But three people sat right near the front and I noticed they were sitting there with their eyes closed, not talking but also not watching us. They were just listening. At first I thought they might be on something but after a few songs they just seemed really into the music. We started the show a little lackluster but got to a more upbeat tune (“Friday Night is for the Drinkers,” I believe) and they stood up and started dancing. I gave the boys in the band the “keep this one going” look so I could walk out. I took the hand of one of the girls and invited them to come up onto the stage. The other two sheepishly stayed near the table but the one girl came up and we danced for the remainder of the song. When it was done, I asked her name. She didn’t seem to notice. I asked again. She saw me talking this time and told me that she and her two friends were deaf but love going to Rock n’ Roll shows because they can feel the music. They were excited to come out tonight as they saw the “Throwback Rock n’ Roll” on the show poster. Every ounce of frustration the band had with each other instantly melted away. It put the whole show in a new perspective. Suddenly, it wasn’t just about me or us anymore. It was our job once again to put on the best show we possibly could for these folks. And ever since then, that has been my mentality. Every song at every show is an opportunity. I don’t want to waste them. If I can make one person’s night better at that instant, I need to do it. Even if there are only three people in the audience (true story, more times than I can count) I’m gonna play as hard as I would to three thousand. With everything music has done for me, I owe it to music to always give it my all. Even this past week, the last show of the run was a noon show after a three-hour show that ended the previous night at midnight. I knew I would only have twelve hours to pack up, get back to the hotel, shower, sleep, wake up, drive to next venue, set up and then be ready to play for three more hours. I was tempted to cool it off a little, maybe give 85% instead of 100%. But, that voice in my head told me “No. Every night is blessing, you always give it your all.” So, I did. And I did the same thing the next day at noon. And I’ll do the same thing every night.

Anyways, I’m getting super rambly right now and my laptop is about to die so I need to finish this and find an outlet. I know I was all over the place today, but it’s been a week since I had a good night’s sleep. I’m not complaining as that’s been because of shows but just wanted to throw that out there in case this blog sounds like the ramblings of a crazy person. I’m not crazy, I’m just tired. Well, I am crazy, and I’m tired. So, I guess no matter what it sounds like it’s supposed to sound…

(dictated but not read)

New T-Shirts and New Music! aka... Bradley's finally getting shit done, son...

I’d like to give a quick update regarding:

A) Why I’ve skipped two weeks of blogging

and

B) What the hell I’ve been up to in the meantime

So, for those who don’t subscribe to my monthly newsletter (if you want to, go to my HOME page or the SHOWS page and put your email into the form so you can also be in the know of what’s going on in the Wonderful World of Bradley Wik), here’s the latest and greatest.

1) NEW T-SHIRTS!!!

I’ve designed a few new t-shirts that I’ve been wanting to make for a while. Finally had the time to get them done and ready for you. The badass thing is that these designs are made to order through TeePublic, which means you can select your shirt style, color, etc. You can even order the designs on hoodies, mugs, cell phone cases, notebooks and a bunch of other shit. Click on one of the designs to see all the options. It’s a fucking awesome platform that allows you to custom order shit however you want it. I love it and I think you will too.

And, I know, the first design (the one that’s not one of my songs) doesn’t make a whole lot of sense until you read the description on the site. So, if you want to know what inspired this shirt, click on it to find out.

2) NEW MUSIC!!!

In case you aren’t an avid reader of this blog, I'd like to inform you that Bradley has Asperger's. For those who aren't quite sure what that is, Asperger's is basically high-functioning Autism. Or not-quite-as-far-out-on-the-spectrum Autism. If you'd like to read more about my journey in learning about and growing up with Asperger's, CLICK HERE.

Why am I telling you this, you might ask? Well, because April is Autism Awareness Month and, in honor of that, I will be releasing an EP of songs (if you're wondering, an EP is an "extended play" music single, which means it has usually 3-6 songs but isn't a full-length album) I wrote about having/dealing with Asperger's.

I've spent the past couple years really learning about my Asperger's, how it's affected my life and relationships, and how it has been both a positive and a negative in my life (read more about that HERE). In doing so, I've written a number of songs about it, about the accompanying depression, my struggles with drugs and alcohol that may or may not be related, my recurring nightmares, etc. I haven't decided yet which songs will be on the initial EP, but there will likely be more than a couple of music releases about this topic as it's something near and dear to my heart, and I really hope to help educate people about this so they can better understand those in their lives who may be affected by it. Asperger's affects both the individual and those around them (just ask my wife). Hopefully, this music will help those affected by making them feel less alone in their struggles and by helping those around them hear what it's like to deal with Asperger's.

So, in April (haven't locked in a date yet, but it's coming) there will be some new music for y'all to check out. It will likely be a digital-only release, so, I'll be sending out links and where/how to listen once I have the details, launch date, etc. Stay tuned as this will likely be the first of 2-3 EP’s I will be releasing this year.

Since recording the last album with the band, I’ve been recording at my home studio (read: my “studio” in my bedroom so my wife can work/watch TV/etc. in the living room) and I have a number of songs that I’d like to put out in the near future. They range from folky/sad bastard/singer-songwriter type stuff to acoustic synth pop to noise pop to noise folk. Some of it is pretty fucking weird, but beautiful. As I also have Meniere’s disease (an inner ear disorder affecting hearing, balance, sight, etc.), I wanted to capture how music can sometimes sound to me and how disorienting the Meniere’s induced vertigo, hearing loss, headaches and nausea can be; but musically, if that makes any sense. It’ll make more sense once you hear the songs. But, suffice to say, I’ve been busy and I’m fucking sick of just sitting on these songs. There’s nearly 30 songs I’ll be releasing over the next year or so in different iterations that all are sonically unique. There’s even a new band/project I’ve been working on that actually makes fun, poppy music. You might not see that one until next year but who knows. But, I was going back through all the recordings I’ve done over the past two years and I realized there were too many of them that I really like to just keep them on a hard drive at home. The music is mostly somewhere between Elliott Smith, Sun Kil Moon/Red House Painters, Wilco, The Jesus and Mary Chain, Cocteau Twins, with some old folk thrown in for good measure. Some of the songs I don’t even remember writing/recording (likely a mix of the depression, alcohol, and the fact that I write/record in clusters so I usually forget about a few of the tunes here and there) but they’re fucking fun to hear back.

I’ll keep you updated as I get these tunes ready for release over the coming year or so. Rest assured, it’ll be a barrage of sad songs. But, like I mentioned, if anyone is wondering what it’s like to be a depressed, kind of alcoholic, Asperger’s and Meniere’s disease affected person, than these records will be for you…

3) SOMETIMES I FEEL THE WORLD IS CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

Look, I know that I’m (probably) not in the Truman Show, but sometimes it really feels like it. Sometimes the dumbest shit comes up just to fuck with me, I feel like. The latest thing that seems so stupid but has take up way more of my time that it should is Pandora. My music is on Spotify, Apple Music, Amazon, Napster, Rhapsody, Tidal and a bunch of other digital sites but for some reason was not on Pandora though they were sent my music years ago. Apparently, they use a different reporting platform so even though my music is sort of on there, I haven’t been getting paid for it. I’ve been working with them for over three weeks to resolve this and am still no closer to getting my music available to stream on their services and being able to get paid from them. Why the fuck does every music platform work so hard to not pay artists? It’s not like it would be some enormous amount. I’m sure Pandora owes me like $10 but they still make me spend hours and hours to get it. It’s not even worth it apart from the principle of the thing. I’d be better off designing new t-shirts, releasing new music, booking new shows, etc. but instead I’m fighting their dumbass customer service who is now blaming someone else as to why I still am not getting paid for my music. It’s not like musicians are fucking rolling and don’t need the money. I’m currently waiting for the stock market to turn around (fucking Coronavirus and Trump pretending it’s not a real crisis) so I can cash in my 401K from my last job so I can pay fucking rent. So, even if it’s $10, I fucking want that shit. We already only make like a 1/10th of a penny per stream or whatever, so why can’t we at least get paid that?

But, this is like the twentieth thing that has gone wrong with the release of my latest album. Someday, I might tell the whole story but for now I’ll say there were nearly lawsuits, phantom mix issues, the band breaking up, misprinted CDs, faulty vinyl test pressings, etc. I could go on but it isn’t worth my time. Needless to say, I feel like God/Karma and the world have been telling me to give up music for years now. But, fuck that. If there’s one thing you should know about people with Asperger’s, it’s that we always do the opposite of what we’re told. If you haven’t watched “The Grinder” you should as Rob Lowe’s character is the epitome of Asperger’s. He can only complete a task if he’s told he can’t or it’s impossible. It’s hilarious and sad as I felt so akin to his made up character. I feel like all of this has been either the universe telling me to quit making music or a challenge to see if I will keep going. Since I have Asperger’s, I see everything as a challenge and will likely never give up. It’s crazy how many things have tried to conspire against me but I’ll never give in. I got too much shit that the world needs to hear to give up now. Just the amount of love that “This Old House” has gotten over the years is enough to keep me going. Who knows… Now, I feel like I’m just rambling and I should probably eat dinner tonight eventually. Anyways…

(dictated but not read)

My Muddy Creek show, Melissa Villasenor, Music Journalism and Taylor Swift... aka... those things all go together, right? I'm not ADHD, right? Shit...

First off, amazing show on Saturday up in Sparta, NC at the Muddy Creek Cafe & Music Hall. Bill and Shana are so welcoming and wonderful, and it was great to be able to spend some time with them at the end. It’s such an amazing thing they’ve put together up there in basically the middle of nowhere. And the audience hung out and stayed with us on a cold, pretty-crappy-otherwise night. We had so much fun playing and cannot wait to get back up there. Many thanks to all who came out and listened, and special thanks to Bill and Shana for having us out. Sparta, we’ll be back… (hint: check the calendar in May…)

Random Thought #1: Why doesn’t SNL utilize Melissa Villasenor’s crazy awesome impression skills very often?

There almost seems to be an avoidance of her doing impressions, which is so fucking weird. She is probably their most impressive impressionist since… I don’t know, maybe Jimmy Fallon (who I hated as a cast member, and still hate as a late night host, but damn I could watch him do his Bob Dylan, Neil Young and French Stewart impressions all day…). Even that Pete Holmes (kind of funny) HBO show worked in more impression work for her than SNL typically does, and that was just in the one episode she was in. I know it’s not really what SNL seems to value these days but I don’t know why that came to be. It’s always been one of my favorite parts of the show and the reason I still watch old Celebrity Jeopardy clips on YouTube when I get drunk on a Friday night; which then usually turns into watching old Norm Macdonald bits, which then turns into having to watch the old Conan/moth joke bit for the 1000th time… Good times… Anyways, SNL, get your shit together and don’t give us yet another cameo-ridden, lukewarm political sketch and write some shit for Melissa that allows her to show why she’s the best non-Kate McKinnon (how is she still on SNL? She’s way too talented for this mediocre SNL cast…) cast member. Please? See, I even said please. Look what you made me do… (which lead me to thought #3)

Random Thought #2: Why do music sites (and music journalism pretty much as a whole) suck nowadays?

Believe it or not, there was once a time where I would spend hours scouring the internet to read thoughtful, well-researched and well-written articles about music. I had my trusted sources (even Pitchfork was once great, if you’re old enough to remember when it was the fresh-faced upstart pitchforkmedia.com. Sure their articles/reviews were distinctly over-written, like those music reviewers were ordained by God to be the one true light to guide you through the vast forest of indie music, but it was how I came to find artists like Bonnie “Prince” Billy/Will Oldham/Palace/Palace Brothers, Arcade Fire, Wolf Parade, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, etc.) and I devoured their every word, bought records I’d never even heard of based on their recommendations and couldn’t wait for them to tell me what I should buy next. It was great. I got to know the guys at B-Side Records in Madison, WI pretty well as they special ordered me more than a few CD’s from obscure indie bands.

Then, something changed. I’m not sure quite when, but I remember being less and less interested in any of the major music publications/sites, whether it be Pitchfork, Paste, NME, Rolling Stone, etc. I found them to be more and more unhelpful in my search for new music. Part of that is natural, I think, as it’s harder and harder for a band/album to impress me as it’s being compared to the thousands of bands/albums I’ve already listened to and determined I like. It’s not easy to make something I’ve not heard some version of over the years. Or to create something that can tell a story still untold after roughly 70 or so years of popular music and over the 100’s of years of folk/blues. But, it still can be done. I just don’t have an easy way to find this music anymore. It seems the internet, which has made it “easier” to find, listen to, discuss, etc. music has lost it’s tastemakers, which in turn makes it so much harder to find new music. The internet has actually over-democratized the industry, and whereas before there were maybe too few gatekeepers, there’s now none. The gates have been thrown open and the music is pouring out at a pace never before seen. Before, music fans had only a handful of faucets to drink from and now we’re being doused with a fire hose. It’s swung too far, in my opinion. Now, I have no other choice than to sift through countless lists, poorly written/researched articles, Spotify playlists, YouTube recommendations, etc. to try an find new, exciting music. I probably listen to about 100 new bands/albums per month and maybe like 1 or 2, if that. It’s time-consuming, mostly boring and it sometimes feels like work. Most of my friends have mostly given up trying to find new artists. It isn’t worth their time. And I get that. I wish I could give it up. The other day I went to go shoot hoops for a bit (because it was 70 degrees and sunny, in February. God, I love North Carolina) and spent the first 15-20 minutes skipping tracks, jumping playlists, etc. trying to find something new to listen to. I eventually gave up and just put on the trusty old Bill Simmons podcast and went along with my shootaround. That makes me sad. I like finding new bands, new music, etc., it’s just become so difficult.

I know part of all this is the industry itself. Most of the music journalists have been laid off, moved on to more lucrative writing opportunities or their sites/magazines have died. That’s why we get stupid slideshow-type lists to generate clicks (like a recent Paste list brought to my attention by my Taylor Swift-loving wife which ranked “Shake it Off,” the biggest hit of her career and maybe the biggest pop song of the decade, as one of her top-ten worst songs… Cool. If even I know a Taylor Swift song, it must be at least a good pop song…), places that only review major releases, places that open post reviews written for free by “contributors,” some of which are good, but mostly you get what you paid for, etc. But, I don’t understand why music writing (and music as a whole) has been so devalued in our society. You’d think with music being easier to make/release than ever, we’d need more people to sift through the shit, rather than essentially none. But, what do I know…

Searching for new music is now harder than searching for the Krull. At least with the Krull, after hiking through the plains and forests and up the mountains, it was just sitting there in the water waiting for you. With my search for new music, I feel like I’ll definitely be killed by Liam Neeson and his pirates before I find anything. And if those sentences don’t make any sense to you, then you aren’t one of the (very few) people who’ve seen this masterpiece of a movie called “Krull.” It’s not quite “The Room” in terms of bad movies, but it is a great “bad movie,” at least I think so. My wife is still mad at me for making her watch it four years ago… so, I could be wrong…

Random Thought #3: Who is Taylor Swift?

I know, why am I writing about Taylor Swift? Well, I recently watched that Taylor Swift documentary on Netflix. As I said, my wife is a fan, and I was curious as to what would be in it and if I’d finally see her have any personality. I think she might be the most blank canvas of a person I’ve ever seen. Knowing how Taylor carefully controls every aspect of her life, I figured this would be more or less a long commercial for herself, which, it more or less was. So, I had low expectations for the doc, and was really just hoping against hope that she wouldn’t fucking bring up the Kanye MTV awards thing for the 10,000th time, which, of course she did. She said it was the turning point in her career, that everything was like living in a dream world until that happened. Which, to me, seems like possibly the most melodramatic way to describe a relatively innocuous thing that happened (go back and watch it. It’s way more tame than you probably remember) while she was being given a completely irrelevant award. But, then again, this is a girl who is either a billionaire or well on her way, who wanted to become a pop star and is, and who is one of the few musicians who can dictate everything about her career; who still wants us to constantly feel bad for her. She complains about being famous but then makes a documentary about herself. She talks about how her biggest asset as an artist is her storytelling, then shows us clips of her and her producers/songwriters hastily and haphazardly making up lyrics on the spot to fit whatever melody. She plays us a clip of her eating dinner with a friend and chatting to show us how relatable she is, then compares having kids to training puppies before we see her on her private jet shocked that she has to hold onto her salad because of some light turbulence. Hard knock life…

But, two things really stood out to me: her overbearing father and how open she was about her sexual assault. Was I mad that she dedicated like 10-15 minutes to rehashing Kanye? Of course. But, I was glad she took the same amount of time to talk about her sexual assault case. Unfortunately, it’s something that is still far too commonplace in our society, and there’s so much pressure on women to not make a big deal out of something that really is a big deal. Between the public and personal shaming that can occur, the court fees (if it even goes to court), having to face the accuser, having that accuser lie and call you a liar, having to relive the moment over and over as you tell the police then the courts, the inner voice which can sometimes try to convince you it didn’t happen so it doesn’t have to believe it itself, and on and on. It seems like the whole thing is designed to keep women down and feeling helpless about these events. It’s horrible. Which is why I’m glad she did what she did, taking him to court, bravely standing up and then talking about it in the doc, as Taylor is a huge role model for lots of young women. Hearing that the biggest pop star in the world dealt with something like that and stood up for herself can really impact others and make people feel less alone when dealing with issues like sexual assault, harassment, and the like. Taylor might not be able to stop the predators out there, but if she can provide some comfort, however small, to the victims, and be a role model in dealing with it, showing that she’s still the strong, amazing pop star she always was, I’d say the documentary was worth it just for that.

And then there’s her dad, the man who basically created the Taylor Swift popstar machine. The only scene in the documentary he is in (which is telling on how she feels about him), is the one where Taylor tells her inner circle she wants to get involved in a couple Tennessee elections by supporting the Democratic House and Senate candidates via a social media post. She sits on the couch with her mom as three old white men, one of them being her dad, sit across from her and try to talk her out of it. It’s weird and a little hard to watch. Here’s the biggest pop star on the planet almost begging to voice her opinion on something she cares about but is being told she can’t have an opinion on. She should be able to say whatever she wants, she’s fucking Taylor Swift. But, the three old white guys just sit there and basically tell her she’s dumb for wanting to voice an opinion on politics. Look, I get that it could and probably did alienate some red state fans, but moreso it made me wonder why she doesn’t just fire them and hire not-three-old-white-guys to give her better advice. I know it’s her dad, but it sure didn’t seem like he was supportive or helpful in any way. I got the feeling she would be much better off without him at this point. She surely doesn’t need his help anymore, and she surely doesn’t need him trying to make her feel small and not worthy of is approval.

But, apart from those two things, I watched 90 minutes of footage and I still can’t answer the question: who is Taylor Swift? She seems like she intentionally has kept herself void of personality for fear of alienating even a single person in her enormous fan base, which means her personality is that she has no personality. I’m sure some of her fans would say otherwise, but, hey, I guess it’s working for her. She sells a hell of a lot more albums than I do. Her last show was played to about 50,000 more people than were at my last show. She has like five houses or something, I have none. So, it’s clear she knows what she’s doing. Hell, I even play “Shake it Off” from time to time at my shows. I can guarantee Taylor isn’t busting out one of my tunes like “Lookin’ at Luckey” or “This Old House” onstage anytime soon…

But, there is one thing I have going for me that Taylor Swift doesn’t, AT LEAST I DIDN’T SLEEP WITH JOHN MAYER…

(dictated but not read)

The band's debut doubleheader, Super Bowl and Random Thoughts... aka... well, I guess that actually sums it up pretty damn well...

Hell of a week last week. The band and I had our debut doubleheader; Thursday at Summit Coffee in Davidson (which could barely contain the Rock N’ Roll as our merch kept rockin’ off the table we set up) and then Friday at Earl’s in Winston-Salem (which was a blast and has such an amazing stage setup, see pic below). 5 hours of Rock N’ Roll over two days was… awesome and exhausting. It’s been like a year since I put on a full on Rock show and Saturday morning I could definitely feel it some, but I love it. I didn’t quite realize how much I missed playing with a band until this past week. It was so re-energizing. I’m really looking forward to Saturday’s show with the boys up in Sparta at the Muddy Creek Cafe & Music Hall. Thanks to everyone who came out last week. It was great to see some familiar faces and be able to give them something new with the full band experience. I’m so grateful for how supportive Summit, Davidson and the great state of North Carolina have been since I’ve moved here. Definitely feels like we’ll be here for a long, long time…

I don’t have a great story for y’all today so here are some of Bradley’s patented random thoughts…

Random thought #1: The Super Bowl

It’s amazing that the Chiefs only needed 6-7 minutes (of game time) of Patrick Mahomes magic to win a Super Bowl. He’s incredible. 3 straight touchdown drives in the 4th quarter was more than the 49ers could muster over the entire game. Credit the Chiefs defense for 3 straight stops too but man, is Pat Mahomes unreal and so much fun to root for. The Chiefs’ fans deserve every bit of joy they are experiencing right now after some horrible, horrible, horrible playoff losses over the years; most of which were in KC which makes them even worse. So, drink this in. You have the best and most fun player in the league, who at 24 is just beginning his journey. As a Packers fan, I can tell you there will be times when you get frustrated that you’re not winning even more but remember to enjoy having a magician as a QB. After 25+ years of amazing QB play like we’ve had with the Packers, you can easily get used to winning, but fight against that. Winning should be exciting and never taken for granted. The 2017 and 2018 Packers’ seasons reinforced that for me. Have fun, Chiefs’ fans, these coming years will be exciting to watch.

Mahomes really reminds me of Brett Favre; unafraid, fun but fiery at times, unaffected by his mistakes, never out of a football game, can turn games in a matter of minutes, cannon arms, beloved by teammates, beloved by all football fans (unless you’re playing against him, but even then you still mostly love him), once in a generation type talent, plays a very fun style of football, is coached by Andy Reid, really trusts his receivers to make plays, maybe takes a few too many hits during a game but always bounces right back up and you love him for it, will make some mistakes because he thinks he can do anything (and usually can), wants to put the team and game on his shoulders (has a “we’re gonna win or lose because of me but I’m gonna go down fighting” type feel to some games), etc. I could go on but you get the point. I’m not sure there has been a universally-liked player like Favre until now. Like Favre did, Mahomes could create an entire generation of Chiefs fans who gravitated to the team just because of him. St. Louis fans need someone to cheer for these days. There’s more than a couple neighboring states that don’t have a team who could easily be talked into the Chiefs. We’ll see. But, he’s the first guy in a long time that could pull that off.

Random Thought #2: The Halftime Show

I rarely say this these days, but I was actually quite entertained by the Halftime show. I think it’s due to the fact that I have been a Shakira supporter since she put out “Laundry Service” back in the early 2000’s and talked about how AC/DC was one of her favorite bands growing up. She’s likely the hottest girl to say that ever and she still is insanely sexy. She doesn’t look like she’s aged at all since then. I’m not sure how that works. J. Lo was, fine, but that’s all I expected from her. I will say I think she wore the legally lowest amount of clothing for live TV. But, congrats to them both as I normally hate everything Halftime related nowadays.

Top Super Bowl Halftime moment that no one will ever top: Bruce Springsteen running full speed, knee-sliding and slamming his dick right into all of America’s face in full HD back in ‘09. Good times…

Random Thought #3: My Love for Female Singers

I’m not sure why this is, it could perhaps even be Asperger’s related as I’ve heard a couple other Aspies say the same thing, but I much prefer the sound of women singing as compared to men. Outside of a couple notable examples like Otis Redding, Smokey Robinson, Jeff Buckley, Bruce, etc., I find I tend to lean towards bands/singers who are female. It just sounds better to me. Like the female voice was made for singing and most men are trying to fit a square peg in a round hole to do so. It’s not that I hate men’s voices, they’re just usually not as good, at least to my ear.

Two things made this abundantly clear this past week: a Spotify playlist and an acoustic show I just played. The playlist was all my “newer” music (some is not exactly new, but new-ish to me) that I’ve been loving over the past couple years. It included:

• Dead Sara

• Land of Talk

• Courtney Marie Andrews

• Joan Shelley

• Oshwa

• The Jezabels

• Makthaverskan

All are more or less rock-ish type bands and they all have female lead singers. If you don’t know these artists look ‘em up. Dead Sara was one of the best balls-to-the-wall Rock N’ Roll shows I’ve ever seen and Land of Talk rocked way harder live than I anticipated. Courtney Marie Andrews once helped me get home during a terrible snow storm. OK, not literally, but I once was snowed in for two days in Eastern Oregon. On the third day, they finally reopened the highways but it was still coming down like crazy. I decided to brave it and make the (what was normally a 5-6 hour) drive back across the state. But, since this was the first day of the highways being back open there was still over a foot of snow on them. The only way I could drive was to be behind a snow plow which I followed for the first 4-5 hours of my trip. Even then, the road was so treacherous that I was sliding all over like crazy which was super nerve-racking as the only other vehicles on the road were semi trucks, and they were all driving like there wasn’t a foot of snow on the ground and it wasn’t a super windy mountain pass we were going through. With a semi behind me who couldn’t slow down at all coming down the hills and the semis on the other side of the highway driving mostly all over the roads as they slid around the sharp corners, not to mention we were on a fucking mountain with lots of places you could easily slide over the edge, I figured it was 50/50 that I was going to die that day. If something happened it could take hours for an ambulance to get up there. As I white-knuckled it for almost 10 hours on that trip (it got better as we got out of the mountains), the CD in the player was Courtney Marie Andrews’ “Honest Life.” I tried a couple times to change it but each time the car started to slide out of control or I had to try and avoid getting hit by a semi that had drifted over into our side of the highway, so I just left it in on repeat and listened to that album for 10 hours straight. Luckily, it’s a great album…

As for the acoustic show, I was going back over the setlist to see what I liked/didn’t like/etc. for the next one when I realized all but 1 of the cover songs I played were originally sung by women. Billy Joel’s “Piano Man” was the only male cover I did that night. The other covers were all from women: “Landslide,” “Jolene,” “Shake it Off,” “Strong Enough.” Most of the time, I just prefer listening to women’s voices so it’s no wonder that trickled into the songs I chose to play. It’s not always that way, I’ll usually throw in a Bruce or Ryan Adams or Tom Petty or Rolling Stones song somewhere in there, but not that night. Wasn’t feeling those ones. Even on our upcoming project, I’m trying to get my wife, Brianne, to sing more lead than me. Songs I wrote for me to sing still sound better to me when sung by a woman. Sometimes, I feel like I was supposed to be a female Rock N’ Roll singer and they had a screw up at the body factory when I was born and I came out male, but I still have that female rock singer inside me. Or, I just like the sound of women’s voices better. Who knows…

Random Thought #4: THIS EXISTS?!

Yep, Peanut Butter flavored whiskey. AND… it’s pretty good.

Random Thought #5: What People Give for our Entertainment

While watching the Super Bowl, WWE, and the final episodes of BoJack Horseman this week, I was struck by how much people give of themselves for our entertainment. In wrestling and football, it’s their bodies, potentially their brains, years off the end of their lives, years spent away from their families, etc. So many of these men and women end up as a wreck physically. How could they not? In football, all the hits are like getting into dozens of car crashes on the same day, all in row. Those add up over time. I was working out today and one of the virtual trainers mentioned how one of his shoulders and one of his hips don’t move the way should from his years of playing. In wrestling, it’s not quite as violent (at least these days. The Attitude Era got pretty extreme towards the end…), but it’s 3-4 nights a week. Oh, and you’re considered a contractor so there’s no health insurance for the beating your body takes on those 3-4 nights per week. It’s hard to hear some of the stories where ex-WWEers can’t walk straight, can’t move without pain, move their bodies in any normal way, etc. after their careers are over. Or the stories of guys who have to keep wrestling well into their fifties (and sometimes beyond) or they won’t be able to afford to take care of their bodies, even though it’s the wrestling that’s doing it to them.

And sure, I know some of you out there are saying “well, they choose to do that and make millions from it.” True, in some cases. But, think of all the athletes and entertainers who aren’t making millions. There’s far more of them and they’re still doing the same damn thing for our viewing pleasure.

So why did I mention BoJack, the cartoon horse from an animated television show? He doesn’t really exist and therefore hasn’t sacrificed anything for us. Well, someone did. And there are lots of people out there who are sacrificing right now. Hell, even the voice himself, Will Arnett himself struggled with alcoholism and depression, possibly more, just like BoJack. To make that character so real, the writers must have struggled or seen the struggles of those out there so they could put it all together in BoJack. All for our entertainment.

Closer to home, think of musicians, like me. I have struggled with, or am still struggling with, drugs, alcohol, depression, suicidal thoughts and the like over the years. Part of that was bound to happen anyways, but part of it is because of the music. The same can probably be said for any performer, but it takes so much from you and you need to find a way to replace that. You’re giving so much of yourself, your time, your energy, your life, really.

It’s funny that some of my friends think I make really good money (I don’t. I’m so fucking grateful that I actually get paid to play music, but my last sales job paid about 4-5 times more) because they hear I’ll make $X amount for a two-hour show. “That much for two hours? That’s amazing!” Until you explain how much time went into researching venues, sending out countless booking emails, the band rehearsals, the travel, etc. and then you realize what that roughly comes out to per hour and it’s not so enticing to them anymore.

Think of everything that goes into the last song you just played on Spotify. By the time you hear a song from one of my records, these are the things that likely have already happened:

• I’ve spent multiple hours writing, arranging and finishing the words and music

• I then spend some more time recording a demo to send to the band

• The bands spends hours listening to, writing/finalizing their parts

• The band and I spend hours rehearsing said song over and over trying to find the perfect feel, parts, adding in accents, little tweaks, etc. along the way

• We’ll travel for hours to shows, playing that song live to get a better feel of what we like, what we need to change, etc.

• We’ll spend more hours changing, tweaking parts, trying new things to see what makes it better, what makes it worse and what makes it different from the other songs we have

• Then we’ll spend more hours in the studio recording the song

• Then we’ll spend more hours listening to the mixes of those recordings and tweaking those

• We’ll spend more hours going over the recorded song as a whole figuring out how and where it best fits on the album, or it should be on the album at all

• We’ll spend more hours listening to the mastered versions to make sure the track order is correct, every song lives and breathes the way it should, and that the final product is what we want

• We’ll spend hours coming up with and designing the album art

• More hours will be spent taking promo photos for the upcoming record

• Then we’ll spend hours finding the right publicist/company to promote the album

• Then we’ll spend hours planning and prepping the release of the album and a release show/tour

• THEN FINALLY, you can open up Spotify, click on the song and listen to the damn thing; where we make almost no money from it…

That’s just off the top of my head. There’s certainly steps that I’ve missed but that’s a pretty fucking good idea of what we’re doing and how long it takes to get this music to you. I’m not complaining, but just want people to know. Music has been so devalued as of late, that it’s hard for me to not rant about it. For most people, music is something that you play in the background while you do laundry or workout. Or something that’s on at the bar (possibly it’s even a live band) that you can ignore while you talk with your friends. A song is plucked from an album that took hundreds of hours to build. Look, I get it. Not every piece of music is for everyone. A lot of people make music to be background sound, or just have a song or two they want you to hear and the rest is filler. But, some people, like me, still regard music-making as a work of art. I consider it to be a noble undertaking. So, when it’s relegated to sound for sound’s sake, it’s tough. To me, music is like a beautiful painting or an amazing novel or a delicious meal from a restaurant, it’s meant to have time devoted to it. It’s meant to be savored. It’s meant to be your sole focus when your ingesting it. Maybe I’m just old (I’m not, but I feel like it sometimes), but I still think listening to music is an activity unto itself. When I fire up the turntable, I play ‘em start to finish. It’s my own weird house rule, once that needle touches down, the album will be played in its entirety, both sides, every time.

I still even struggle to have conversations with people when music is playing. Some of that is the Asperger’s, as my mind goes all over the place and I struggle to focus enough to talk with someone longer than a sentence or two. So, I don’t need another distraction to further throw me off. I have no clue how people listen to music and read. Both require 100% of my focus, and last I checked, I still only have 100% to divvy up.

But, the other part of me is thinking there’s millions of albums out there to listen to, so I do actually appreciate it when someone chooses one of mine, no matter what the circumstance. I’d rather play a show where half the audience is drunk and not paying attention than sit at home and play to myself. So, I see both sides. Again, I’m grateful that I have the opportunity to write, record and play music, and, on top of that, I get paid to do it. That is special. I’m a lucky man. I do understand that, that’s not what I’m talking about here. I just wanted to give a glimpse into what we give of ourselves for your listening pleasure.

Wow, I’ll get down off my soap box now. That certainly stirred something in me.

Anyways, Monday Night Raw is about to come on, so I have to go…

(dictated but not read)

I think this was the only picture we had from Summit where I’m actually in focus AND not making a weird face. I move too much and make lots of weird faces when I sing/play…

What did I tell you? Earl’s stage is pretty and the show was a lot of fun. Here’s the boys setting up…

Deja vu and "Weld" aka... how I learned to love Neil Young...

OK, I know I’ve been a little distant lately, but I really wanted to make sure those last two posts got some time to marinate. If you haven’t already read WHY I PLAY MUSIC, then click that link and do so. Hint: Bruce Springsteen is involved. Also, I’ve just been really fucking busy. So, there’s that too. But, that’s no excuse as I definitely have a couple hours a week to sit down and write, but haven’t really been inspired to do so. I feel like I’ve been living in the past for the last couple months, and it’s a strange feeling when everything in the past six months has felt so future-forward. I don’t particularly mind revisiting my past, despite some pretty strange and dark times, but I’m feeling very deja vu-ish these days. Allow me to explain (or don’t, but then why the hell are you reading this in the first place?).

It’s been almost six months since I moved to Charlotte, NC. I started playing acoustic shows around the area, and for a while that was fun. Then, I got the hankering to get a band together so I could play my songs the way they were meant to be heard. I first met a drummer, who I feel a strong musical kinship with. He just gets what I’m trying to accomplish and knows how to get us there. We soon added a bassist and will be doing some shows as a power trio in the near future (this week, in fact). We found another guitar player to round out the group after realizing there were just some additional guitar parts that we couldn’t live without. We’ve been spending the past month and a half getting up to speed, so it’s almost like I’ve been relearning my songs for the second time. Some of the songs feel new again, as they have an energy that only a fresh set of ears can bring to them. Some of the songs feel like we’re aspiring to recreate something from past that doesn’t quite fit right anymore. That’s not a dig on the new players, but more about the way I feel about the tunes. Just like some of the old Bradley Wik and the Charlatans t-shirts that have been through the washer/drier a few too many times, they’ve shrunk a little and I’ve sort of outgrown them. They still fit, but not the way they used to. That’s life. It’s also weird to worry about how a show will go again. The last band was together for years. Those years worth of rehearsals, shows, etc. makes a band pretty damn tight. When a good chunk of your shows are of the two to three hour variety, you get a wide swath of material down so you don’t have to play the same 20-30 songs each time. But, that takes time. And the only place to start is at the beginning, which is where we are at. I feel good about where we’re at, but it’ll be a little while until we’re battle-tested and ready for anything.

So, why does that feel strange? Well, replace “Charlotte, NC” with “Portland, OR” and I could’ve written that exact same thing eight years ago…

I had just moved from New York City (greatest city in the world) to Portland, OR and was putting together a band for the second time. In NYC, we were Bradley Wik and the Crooks (maybe you were there and were one of the like 30 people total that saw us there…) but that band disbanded in 2009 after we realized we were all too broke to record, tour, hell, too broke to even rehearse as rehearsal rooms were like $25-30/hour. And then, on top of that, my guitar player, the venerable Jon Fickes, returned back to his home state of Washington to get his old high school band back together. After that, I played a few more shows in NYC by myself (including one final show at the Sidewalk Cafe where I played my last song at 2am to literally no one, as the sound man had stepped out for a smoke. So, I played “Mr. Tambourine Man,” complete with a three-minute harmonica solo just for kicks…) then decided to pack it up and try someplace new. From there on out, that paragraph above is exactly my first six months in Portland, OR. It’s fucking uncanny. It’s fucking eerie. It’s fucking… a third thing that I can’t think of right now.

I’m not someone who likes to live in the past. So, although this is an entirely new adventure, I can’t help but feel like I’ve gone back in time for a spell. It’ll be OK soon enough though. Once we get through our little run as a power trio, we’ll have a little time to start learning some new songs. That will undoubtedly snap me out of this deja vu and I couldn’t be more excited as it’s been years since I’ve introduced new band songs. Not sure when we’ll be recording them but there’s definitely another band album that will be coming out sometime in the not too distant future. I’m fucking thrilled I get to write new band songs. Not sure if it’s because of the Asperger’s I have or what, but I typically only write songs when I need to. So, now that there’s finally a new need for Rock N’ Roll tunes, I’ll start putting pen to paper on those soon. Since I was playing solo for a couple years, I only wrote sad bastard, acoustic tunes. Again, not sure why that is, but I love putting my Rock N’ Roll pants back on and living in that world again. I have a few tunes already ready and the themes/ideas/sounds are starting to develop in my brain. It’s energizing.

Random interjection: I think some people don’t understand how important the drummer position is in a band. I guess, for some bands, they’re more interchangeable. They’re there to keep time and hold everything together. But, for me, that’s not really the case. If I, as the singer and songwriter, am the quarterback, then the drummer is the center. Every play starts with him. The center can set the tone for the game. You can get by with a decent one, but a great one can be a game changer. They’ll help call out the protections, recognize blitzes and make sure the other lineman are all moving in sync. Some are more pass blockers, they let the play develop a little and react to it. Some are more run blockers and want to dictate the action to the defense. It’s weird that for me to understand something I usually have to relate it to sports, but that’s what I do. Also, not sure why I felt compelled to say this but it’s what came into my brain at that moment.

Anyways, the main thing I wanted to talk about today was how much our musical tastes, inspirations, playing style, sounds, etc. are constantly evolving. I know, duh, right? But, it’s strange to me (maybe that’s the Asperger’s and since I likely change less than most people) how people evolve so much throughout their lives and careers and it’s especially strange the way it manifests with music, art, books, movies, etc. Since I love music, I’m gonna talk about that.

Here’s a fun fact about ol’ Bradley Wik: he initially hated pretty much everything Neil Young recorded outside of his live album “Weld.”

The one exception to that was the song I have mentioned in previous posts, “Helpless” which hit me in a very specific way. I too was from the country. The town I grew up in had a population of 3000. We were near an enormous marsh (the Horicon Marsh) which was a huge bird sanctuary. As a kid, I felt like I was helpless to change so much in my life. So when I heard the verses:

There is a town in north Ontario,
With dream comfort memory to spare,
And in my mind
I still need a place to go,
All my changes were there.

Blue, blue windows behind the stars,
Yellow moon on the rise,
Big birds flying across the sky,
Throwing shadows on our eyes.
Leave us Helpless

They just killed me. I thought it was written for me. But, apart from that song and “Weld,” I found Neil Young to be quite dull. Now, he’s one of my favorite artists and one of his records (“Tonight’s the Night”) is my fourth favorite record of all-time. For the record:

1. “Born to Run” - Bruce Springsteen

2. “Blood on the Tracks” - Bob Dylan

3. “Darkness on the Edge of Town” - Bruce Springsteen

4. “Tonight’s the Night” - Neil Young

5. This spot used to fluctuate week to week. But currently, and likely forever going forward, it is: “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy” - Kanye West

   Past #5’s include: Bob Dylan’s “Blonde on Blonde,” Johnny Cash’s “Live at San Quentin,” Damien Rice’s “O,” Jeff Buckley’s “Grace,” Stars’ “Set Yourself on Fire,” Tom Petty’s “Damn the Torpedoes,” The Hold Steady’s “Boys and Girls in America,” and the Gaslight Anthem’s “‘59 Sound”

So, what changed? Obviously, I haven’t changed that much. I mean, I have; I’m older, have listened to much, much more music, had new experiences that help me understand some records better, etc. But I haven’t changed in a hugely significant way. But, what has changed in a big way is two-fold: context and what I want from an album.

Context:

When I first listened to Neil Young, it was because I was going through my obsessing-over-folk-music phase. To me, there were only three artists that really mattered: Bob Dylan (first and foremost times a thousand), Woody Guthrie and the Carter Family. So, when I first heard Neil Young, I thought “well, he’s not as good as Bob Dylan,” and that was that. No reason to spend hours upon hours going through his enormous back catalog when I thought he had nothing to rival “Blood on the Tracks,” “Blonde on Blonde,” “Bringing it all Back Home,” etc. I was judging these things on a "Bob Dylan equals 100, where do you come in?” type scale. If Dylan is the scale, then obviously no one is going to out-Dylan Mr. Dylan himself. Duh… Bradley was so dumb back then…

The second time I tried to get back into Neil Young was when I was going through my Rock N’ Roll phase. Neil rocks pretty fucking hard on some of those records, especially on “Weld.” Hmm. Let’s give it another shot. BUT, again my scale was fucked up. I cared about two bands FAR above all else: Bruce Springsteen and Led Zeppelin. Neil Young didn’t tell stories better than Bruce or rock out harder than Led Zep (I don’t think anyone does. Rage Against the Machine came the closest, probably…). So, once again, back on the shelf he went.

I was confused. Everyone kept telling me how much I should love Neil Young and kept recommending me listen to this album or that album of his but I just couldn’t get into it. I didn’t know why he had almost god-like status to a lot of music lovers. And these were people I greatly respected and had turned me on to countless other artists I adored. But, in Mr. Young’s case, I was just missing something they were hearing.

But, it was my fault for playing the comparison game. I’m not sure if it’s an Asperger’s thing (I love lists and to rank things) but I do it with almost everything. It’s the reason I only own four guitars. My Martin D-15 is my favorite acoustic guitar ever, my Fender Strat is my favorite electric to play and my Fender Tele is my favorite sounding guitar. The fourth is a cheapo 3/4 sized Martin that is the campfire, travel, just sits out so I can grab whenever, kind of guitar. But, I’ve had the other three for well over ten years each and have no immediate plans to introduce anything new to the family. If I have a favorite, why do I need another? That’s what I was doing with music early on in my listening career. If Bob Dylan is the greatest thing ever, why do I need to listen to anything else? It didn’t make sense to intentionally play worse records to me.

The third time I tried to get in Neil Young’s music was the one that held. So, what changed to make me suddenly do a 180 on the same music I’d heard so many times already and so readily dismissed? The second point here: what I want from an album.

What I Want from an Album

The context of the third try was through my love for Pearl Jam. I was going through a “is Pearl Jam the greatest rock band of that generation?” type of phase. I devoured their live “official bootlegs” like a maniac. Of course, they played a few Young tunes like “Rockin’ in the Free World” and “Fuckin Up.” If I loved their versions, why wouldn’t I now like the originals? I decided to give Mr. Young one more chance.

But, what I didn’t know at the time was what I was wanting from music was changing drastically. Early on, I would gobble up music at an alarming rate because it was all new to me. So, I loved everything that sounded different or interesting in some way. But, since I was a kid with very limited income, I had to prioritize and cherish the CD’s I actually bought. So, it was a question of Dylan’s “Highway 61 Revisited” OR Young’s “Harvest.” Led Zeppelin’s “IV” OR Young’s “Everybody Knows this is Nowhere.” I couldn’t get both so I had to choose the best one and that was that.

Once I had a little more money and I was growing my record collection, then suddenly I was after every record that told stories no other record told. It then became “can this record give me something that no other record can?” That’s when I could truly appreciate Neil Young’s songwriting and albums. It didn’t need to be better than “Born to Run” it just needed to scratch an itch that I couldn’t get to otherwise. Neil’s albums didn’t quite sound like other records. They felt different too. They were looser. They didn’t try so hard. He wasn’t trying to be anyone other than himself and had no urge to change in any way. He was uncompromisingly honest in both the songs and recordings. It was refreshing. Their was off-key singing and missed notes playing. Tempos hemmed and hawed but it felt so human. It felt more Rock N’ Roll than most other Rock N’ Roll records. It had a sort of punk feel almost. Instead of being a project, the albums felt more like artifacts. That is just the way he sounded on those three days. Like if he had recorded a month later, it could’ve sounded drastically different.

That approach is what I wanted to recreate with my album “In My Youth, I’m Getting Old…” We had done the tracking in separate rooms, all solos/vocals overdubbed, songs with multiple bass tracks and up to six guitars at once, etc. album the first time for “Burn What You Can, Bury the Rest…” And I love that album too. But, we got a lot of comments on how the album didn’t sound like we did live. It’s hard to recreate that energy when you're alone in a room with a guitar and headphones on listening to a click. So, I thought of Neil and his who gives a shit this is what we sound like approach to making albums. They didn’t have to be sacred works of art, they just needed to be real and honest and tell a story people can’t get from another record. I go back and forth. Part of me wants to obsess over each piece, make sure it’s exactly as it should be before moving on. But, the other part of me loves albums that have rough edges. It’s Rock N’ Roll for fuck’s sake. Smooth stones skip right over the water but the jagged ones get grabbed and pulled in. That’s what I wanted. Are there things I wish I could change? Of course. I don’t think anyone has ever made a record and said “it’s perfect. It’s exactly as I heard it in my head. I’m 100% satisfied.” But, I wanted to recapture that human element that a lot of music lacks these days. I have a friend who can sing so well you could tune a piano to him, but every song on his records still have auto-tune. There’s something lost in that. Sure, technically, it sounds “better” but does it?

The biggest thing Neil Young could give me that no one else quite could was: Neil Young, in all his ragged glory (see what I did there?). And by putting it out there so raw and real and human, no one could ever match that same energy since it was so wonderful and unique to him. No one will ever “out-Neil Young” Neil Young and I’m so glad that in some ways I did change enough to be able to appreciate him fully.

(dictated but not read)

Why I play music... aka... how a kid with Asperger's learned to connect with the world... Part 2

In PART 1, I wrote about how I’ve always felt “different,” even as a child, but didn’t know why; how I struggled with interpersonal relationships (well, I still do) and felt a general sense of isolation from the world around me; and how Brett Favre and Bruce Springsteen became my conduits to other humans. But, what I didn’t talk about a ton, despite it being in the title, was Asperger’s. Well, there’s a simple reason for that: Asperger’s wasn’t a part of my life then. Well, yes, I know technically it was, but I was completely unaware that I had it, what it actually was, and how much harm/good it was doing to/for me. Now that I know, I want to talk about how it’s affected my life and my relationships, how it’s helped me, how it’s hurt me, and, how through it all, music has been the steadying force in my life since that “Born to Run” moment. That sentiment is simultaneously not true, as music has completely fucked my life up in numerous ways. So, the two go hand in hand. Everything about my journeys with both music and Asperger’s seems to be contradictory and very polarized. They’re both the best/worst things that could ever happen to a guy, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world…

It’s recently become a popular sentiment, first by Kanye and then later by Greta, the climate change icon, that mental health “issues” or “diagnoses” can actually be a positive thing. I think they’ve both gone on record as calling it a “superpower,” which is awesome. But that also makes me feel like I’m in the Truman Show (I know, a common trait amongst serial killers, but I can’t even count how many things I’ve willed into existence anymore…) as it’s something I’ve been saying for years to anyone that would listen and now suddenly I’m reading about it all over the place. Hell, even Jerry Seinfeld said he probably was on the Autism/Asperger’s spectrum and said it isn’t “dysfunctional” but just “an alternate mindset.” I like that. I have an “alternate mindset.” Makes me sound more like a genius… (wait, isn’t that also a serial killer attribute? Being a self-proclaimed genius? Well, at least my love for animals is a big strike against me being a serial killer. Why am I talking about the traits of serial killers? Damn you, Netflix, for recommending so many murder documentaries!)

My wife was actually the first person to bring this up and tell me how lucky I am to have Asperger’s. More times than I can count, she’s mentioned how she wishes she could do and say some of the things that come so naturally for me. Over the years, I’ve also had many a musician friend comment on how they wish they could be more like me; in certain regards, that is. I’ve talked about the many positives of having Asperger’s over the years (having routines that save time/energy, decisions that should be hard aren’t for me, big life changes don’t really phase me, extreme persistence in pursuing things I need/want, unswayable morals, etc.), but I think the main thing that people wish they could do is not care so much. I keep hearing from others how they really wish they could not care as much about things like:

• what other people think of them

• what other people think of their music/art/writing/etc.

• what other people might say if they do x/y/z

• how other people might feel if they do x/y/z

• how many people clicked on their whatever on social media

• how many people streamed their song/music video/etc.

• how many people showed up to their show/event/etc.

• whether people will like their new music/art/writing/etc.

• whether they might look stupid by doing or saying something

I could go on, but you get the point. I know many a person affected by George McFly syndrome. You know, the what if I’m not good enough? What if no one likes it? I just don’t think I could take that kind of rejection thing. It can be paralyzing. I’ve known more than a few artists/musicians who’ve given up because the stress of putting their worth into others’ approval is too much. It can suck the joy out of things very quickly. One of my best friends, and the most talented musician I’ve ever known, goes years between albums and shows because of George McFly syndrome. My wife quit playing her music altogether because of it. One bad show can send them spiraling in self-doubt, draining them of their confidence and making them question their indisputable talent. I wish that I could do something about it. I wish I could give them a little Asperger’s the way Jedis in the latest Star Wars movie can now magically give others life (don’t even get me started on the latest Star Wars… Thank you for not getting me started…). But, I can’t. They can’t have what I have, unfortunately. I just wish they could not care, like me.

All those things on the list up there, I don’t give a damn about a single one. And I’m not just saying that to sound cool or something, I really don’t. I’m not sure I have the ability to. Sure, it still feels good when things go well, when a show is packed, when people say they love your music, etc.; everyone likes a compliment, even me. But, and this may sound mean, I don’t really care. If no one told me “good show tonight” or “I love that song” I’d still be fine. I judge my music, performances, etc. against how I think I should write, perform, etc. That’s the only criteria that matters to me. I’ve played countless shows where I’ve received the nicest compliments from people but still came away with a list of things ready for myself to work on and improve for the next show. I think it’s why I was good at sports. I always wanted to improve, never felt comfortable, and didn’t need a coach or someone else to inspire me. I’m all the inspiration I’ll ever need. Again, which is great for a musician.

In the music world, and, unfortunately, even more so for female musicians, there are so many things and people that will try to beat you down. The system is almost designed to do so, especially if you are tying up your worth into other peoples’ judgments of you. Since I don’t really care, I’m able to move more freely around the music world without the anxiety that plagues a lot of the musicians I know. Since you can’t actually control other people’s actions, thoughts, words, likes, dislikes, etc., it’s a huge mental burden to try and then also to worry about it. Trying to make sure a room full of people are having a good time is exhausting. I’d rather put all my energy into performing the best I can and let them all do whatever the hell they’re going to do. I can’t do a damn thing about it either way, so I want to have the most fun I can whilst performing.

I think the other part of “not caring” that is very beneficial, again, especially to a musician, is that I don’t worry about results. It’s something I constantly remind my wife (and friends, colleagues, etc.) to do. She spends so much time worrying about how things might end up that she can paralyze herself fretting the possibilities. I know a lot of people who do this. When I play a show, all I can do is promote it, prepare myself and the band, and then go have fun. Everything else is out of my control. The things people worry the most about are things they can’t do anything about anyways like: how many people will show up, will they like it, will I or someone make a mistake while playing, etc. It’s wasted energy, and it’s something my Asperger’s allows me to not care about. I’ve had some of my favorite shows in front of almost nobody. And, one time, to literally nobody as the sound guy went out for a smoke and no one had stayed around for my 2am set at some random bar in NYC, not even my girlfriend. I played a three minute harmonica solo as I covered “Mr. Tambourine Man.” I played two or three Carter Family songs and a Hank Williams tune. I love that memory. It was so much fun. One of my favorite quotes is from former Green Bay Packers (and Jaguar and Steelers) writer Vic Ketchman. He often says “memories make us rich.” That memory of the empty show is worth more than many other hundreds of shows to me. But it never would have had happened if I cared about those things listed above. And there are plenty more memories I wouldn’t have if I didn’t have Asperger’s; like the “Born to Run” moment I wrote about in part 1.

There are many days I curse my Asperger’s (or more accurately, my wife curses it) but overall I’d say the positives outweigh the negatives. Is it hard for me to do simple things like making small talk with a barista while I’m getting coffee or chat with the bartender while he makes my drink? Sure, but are those really things that are categorically life-changing? No. Do I sometimes get overwhelmed when in public places with lots of other people? Yes, but those situations can also mostly be avoided. Do I have trouble making and keeping friends since it’s hard for me to make connections and even harder to find the time/energy to want to go hang out with people when I really just want/need to stay home and recharge? Yes. But, planning in advance and also planning downtime for myself can alleviate a lot of that. Does my Asperger’s also increase my depression? Probably, as I’ve read a lot of compelling evidence linking the two, but who knows. Is it difficult to sometimes perform simple tasks as I get overwhelmed when I overcomplicate things? Sure, but making task lists and breaking them down helps my brain focus. Is it difficult for me to understand metaphors or when people are trying to be polite by saying one thing but meaning something else? Yes, and I know I’ve alienated some people because I took them at their word or said something too bluntly or completely misread a situation and, therefore, acted inappropriately. I know, a songwriter who struggles with metaphors. Weird, right? That’s why I’m always amazed when I stumble across one when writing. Further proves my theory that music is ethereal and we are merely conduits for it, each with our own storytelling skill set which is why we receive the songs we do. But, I digress…

I’d say the toughest thing about having Asperger’s is my relationship with my wife. She’s a very emotional woman and that’s difficult for me. Seems like at least once a month I do or say something that unintentionally causes her to get angry, hurt, sad, etc. I don’t mean to and very rarely do I realize what it is that I’ve done. We’re getting better at communicating these things but I struggle badly at it. I wish I didn’t do and say stupid things and I’m trying to learn what they are so I can stop myself in the future, but even that is proving very tricky for me. It’s also difficult because we have disparate needs when we occasionally do have a fight. She needs comforting and touch, and I need to be left alone. Obviously, we both can’t have what we need at the same time. I’m also really bad at pretending to care. It’s written all over my face and body language so I can’t really hide it. It comes in handy when someone you don’t like approaches you at a party and you’d like to leave, but it’s very un-handy when your wife needs you to at least pretend to care. This is the evil side of “not caring.”

Anyways, I’m surely a bit off-topic here, but I’m trying to give a fuller picture as I don’t feel like I’ve adequately described things in the past. It’s always been more anecdotal. And, in the spirit of this post, I’d like to move on to how music has affected my life in eerily similar ways. Just as Asperger’s has helped me through some tough times, both personally and professionally, music has done much the same. Music has also taken a lot from me, just as my Asperger’s has.

I’m a big believer in karma and balance. Not necessarily in the spiritual sense, but more in a literal sense. The same way that in nature everything comes to balance. Steel will eventually rust and return to the earth as iron. Rain will eventually evaporate, reform clouds and then fall back to earth. But also, just like in science, every action has an opposite and equal reaction. Which stands to reason but is a tough pill to swallow some days. For every moment of, oh, say hearing your songs on a radio station halfway around the world, playing in front of hundreds of people, meeting my wife at a show I was playing back in Portland, OR; there has to be the opposite too. The years of depression. The hours spent fighting with the band over the dumbest things (I now realize that in all likelihood we had three people in that group who had Asperger’s, including me. That helped us forge our sound and some amazing music, but could also be the worst situation imaginable. Our drummer was kicked out of the recording sessions for both albums we did together…). The drinking and the drugs. We’d make a record (great) and immediately spend hours, days, weeks hating each other and break up (bad).

As I mentioned in part 1, my friends and I spend hours discussing how much we hate/love music. I think the best way to describe it to others who say “why don’t you just stop then?” is that it’s an addiction. For me, there’s a part of my brain that only gets its juice from writing and performing music. I don’t know what it is but I don’t think I’d survive if I stopped. It’s probably the same reason Springsteen is still out doing three hour shows. I used to hate that. I always thought “why don’t the old guys just hang it up?” But, the more I played music, the more I realized that I couldn’t stop either. I feel like music has physiologically altered my brain in some way and now I can’t function without it. And, normally I’m pretty good at quitting things once my mind is made up on something. That’s probably the Asperger’s, but once I quit sports, I had no desire to play ever again. Once I decided to move out of my hometown, I had no desire to go back. Once I decided to quit smoking, I stopped that day. But music is a whole different beast.

It’s strange, but I feel the most comfortable as a person when I’m on-stage performing. It’s hard to describe, but that’s when I feel the most “me.” Like I can take a breath and relax for once. I say weird things that are sometimes funny. I lose track of time and just have fun for those two or whatever hours. It’s definitely weird to say out loud (or, write out loud, as it were…) as that is most certainly not healthy. To feel the most me, I have to be playing music that I’ve written in front of other people. Trust me, I don’t get it either. I remember the first time I told my wife this, she said it was merely attention-seeking behavior. It’s true, I do love attention and that’s probably why I act out sometimes and/or get bored when people aren’t paying attention to me. I’m like a cat in that way. But, I think she finally believes me when I say that isn’t the whole truth. Yes, I want attention but being on stage is probably what it’s like when someone has a religious experience or prays to God. It’s personal and singular to them. They don’t have to “be” anything other than their true selves. Some people go to confession, I like to do mine in front of an audience. It’s the same thing; except I get paid to do mine.

The other benefit of performing is that it turns my brain off, which is awesome. I don’t think much at all when I’m on stage. I just be. It’s wonderful. I can’t tell you how much of my life is spent in my own head. I’ll often laugh or say something really fucking random because in my head it’s all connected. For example, a week ago my wife and I were going to see the latest Star Wars (again, don’t get me started…) and I casually mentioned that it can’t be as bad as some of the prequels. Then, without missing a beat, I said “just like Alanis Morissette.” Of course, my wife was like “what the hell?” I then had to explain that after I said that, I went back on that sentiment because, if I’m being honest, I actually kinda like “Phantom Menace.” Jar-Jar aside, I got to experience that movie through my brother’s eyes. It was his first Star Wars in the theatre experience (mine too) and it blew his mind. He was probably five or six at the time so he could relate to young Anakin. His excitement was contagious and I grew to love that movie. We played the pod racing video game and watched Episode 1 many a time. But the only reason I like that movie at all is because of the experience of taking it in as, and with, a child. I valued the experience more than the actual movie. In my brain, the logical step was to ask myself “what else did you have to be there for that wouldn’t make as much sense now?” I arrived on 90’s music. Much of the 90’s has come back around in culture but a lot of the music hasn’t. Wu-Tang has because of their recent documentary, Ms. Lauryn Hill has because she’s just one of the most talented people ever, Rage Against the Machine has because they are such icons and reunite to play shows only every 5-10 years, and the Foo Fighters and Sheryl Crow just never went away. But bands like the Wallflowers, Everclear, New Radicals, Semisonic, Goo Goo Dolls, Lisa Loeb, Mighty Mighty Bosstones, etc., etc., never really stayed relevant and haven’t enjoyed a comeback. The one that surprised me though, since she was the fucking queen of being awesome and weird and super talented, was Alanis Morissette. She’s back on tour but her music hasn’t really made a comeback and you really had to be there to know just how huge she was back in the day. She had hit after hit and was everywhere. But, I don’t think the kids nowadays know her as the musical mastermind she once was. It’s almost like how everyone’s forgotten that Mike Ditka was better as a player than he was as a coach. But, I digress. So, that’s how we arrived at “just like Alanis Morissette.” If you didn’t live through her reign as a pop/rock music icon, you probably see her much differently than I do. That’s how my brain works and it’s doing that all in milliseconds and doing it all day, every day. That’s why I value things that can shut off my brain.

But, there’s something inherently wrong with anything that makes you constantly need more of it to feel good about yourself, but that’s how music is. Everything that I’ve already written is the past and it’s on to the next song, the next hit of endorphins or whatever it is that floods my brain when I write a new song that I love. But, it’s also a helpful guide as it keeps me moving forward instead of moving in circles in my mind. Not sure if that makes sense, but it’s the way I feel many days. Like my life is a flat circle and I just keep repeating the same things over and over; which, to some extent, I do. I do wake up at almost the same time each day, eat the same thing for lunch almost every day, have my week planned out where I do mostly the same things on the same days each week, etc. But, for my creativity to spur, I need chaos (that’s healthy, right?). I need change. I need new environments and new stimuli. I have enough stories to tell (I’ve lived quite a life) but sometimes need something to jar me out of my routines so I can focus on telling them. I often only write songs when I feel the need to. When I’m prepping a new album or want something new for a string of shows or whatever. But, when I get the bug, I often write songs in clusters. I’ll write three or four at a time then move on to the next three or four. It’s why groups of songs will often share similar themes, characters, places, etc. I’ll also often pull a piece from this song to put into that song or tear down three to build one that’s the best parts of each. But, the most important piece of this is that I feel a purpose when I have to write new music. It gives me a reason to exist and a reason to keep existing despite whatever bullshit is going on in my life. I might be depressed for a time, but if I can write a song that might make someone else feel OK in their own state of depression, then it is worth it for me to experience that. It circles back to my reason for playing music, to help others like me, who need a companion in a tough time. Or just to feel the comfort of knowing that they are not the only ones going through whatever the hell they are going through. It may sound narcissistic but I truly feel like I’m in a position to help others and it’s my duty (ha! doody…) to do so. But, again, I’m not trying to be some large scale saviour but just want to help a few people who experienced the loneliness that I did. Those who felt disconnected from the world around them. Music helped me, it can help others. I write to try and tell the stories I needed to hear. That’s all I can do. I don’t know what others need. I only know what I needed and that’s all I can give. And I have. And I will continue to do so.

Anyways, I’ve rambled long enough. Music giveth and music taketh away. Asperger’s giveth and Asperger’s taketh away. Music gives me a reason to exist and a reason to keep fighting, and Asperger’s gives me the strength to fight and the mental fortitude to do so unrestricted. They both make me depressed and make relationships difficult but I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I don’t think I would’ve found music if not for my Asperger’s and I certainly wouldn’t keep playing music without it. And without music, I wouldn’t have a purpose to exist and probably would have ended my life long ago, so I’m grateful for both music and Asperger’s. They team up for good sometimes too.

Not sure if any of this means anything to anyone but I hope it does. And, if you have Asperger’s/Autism, I hope you feel like you have a brother out there who gets you and who can hopefully inspire others to pursue their passions and maybe someday they’ll return the favor to their fellow Aspies.

Why I play music... aka... how a kid with Asperger's learned to connect with the world... Part 1

I was recently asked one of my favorite questions: why do I play music?

I’ll answer that in a second, but it is funny that when talking about music with others, it usually falls into one of two categories:

1) Why I love music and why being a musician is awesome

OR

2) Why I hate music and why being a musician sucks

When talking about number one, I extol the virtues and many gifts music has given me. The stories, the emotions, the connections to other humans (more on this in a bit), the comfort I receive from hearing a familiar album, the way it allows me to process my own emotions, the way music connects me to my past (I have terrible recall for my past, so I use music as my historical checkpoints. For instance, if someone asked me what I was up to in 2003-2004, I could probably muster up a few things but it would hardly be a complete answer. But, if you asked me about the time when I was obsessed with Arcade Fire’s “Funeral,” Sun Kil Moon’s “Ghosts of the Great Highway” and Death Cab for Cutie’s “Transatlanticism,” I could run you through a huge list of connected memories from that time in my life. I know there’s more than a few of you out there who can relate.), how music saved my life and gave me a purpose when I desperately needed a reason to stop thinking about killing myself, and on and on. Music has given me everything. It’s given me so many wonderful memories. It is the reason I met the friends I have. It is the reason I met my wife It’s literally the reason I’m writing this right now.

Being a musician allows me to live the lifestyle that feels most natural to me. No one criticizes me anymore for having longer, messy hair or not showering every day or waking up at 10:30am or spending too much time playing guitar/singing or RANTING ABOUT RANDOM THINGS or any of the other reasons people used to think I was weird. Now, people accept those things because I’m an “artist.” It’s great.

BUT, when talking about number two (ha! Insert poop joke here), which is usually with other musicians, I talk about the false promises music has made to me, how the industry has changed so drastically, and for the worse, in my lifetime, how I wish I could go back in time and tell myself everything I know now, and maybe persuade my younger self to choose something else to obsessively pursue, how I wish I could separate my self-identity from music but it’s tentacles have wrapped and swallowed up most of my insides, in both a good and bad way, how thinking about my future with music makes me so hopeful-yet-depressed, and all the other reasons my fellow musicians and I usually throw out as to why we should quit music (but, ultimately, never will).

As I stated before, being a musician allows me to live the lifestyle that feels most natural to me. Unfortunately, that also includes lots of bad habits and has lead to a number of terrible decisions over the years. Drinking too much, drugs, ill-advised sexual adventures, deep and cyclical depression, the disintegration of relationships, the inability to stay in one place for very long, etc., etc. Music giveth and music taketh away. Everything in life always comes to balance. The higher the highs, the lower the lows, and so it goes…

Usually, when talking about number two (ha! Bet you didn’t think I’d say it again but now you’re thinking about poop for a second time!), it will slowly morph back into number one. I don’t know for sure whether this is because at the root of it all we really do love music unconditionally or if it’s because we are trying to justify our commitment to music and all the years/time/energy/money we have already invested in it. I’d like to say the former but I don’t know if I can say that unequivocally…

Which brings us back to the original premise: why do I play music?

As far back as I can remember (which usually goes back to about age 5-6, when I would spend all day either trying to recreate Michael Jackson’s dance moves from “Bad” in the living room or running around the backyard all day with a plastic ninja sword pretending to be Leonardo, the leader of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles…), I always felt a little different from other kids. Obviously, at that time, I was unable to articulate those feelings or thoughts in any meaningful way. When I started going to school, I remember starting to become more aware of it. So did others. But, remember, this was way before anyone was really thinking about how kids acted in a clinical way. It was either they were smart, dumb, hyperactive, disruptive, lazy, etc. and the kids who did receive any special attention were the ones who were severely learning disabled. Even our tiny town had a learning disabilities class, which is incredible (and so was the woman who ran it) given that our entire K-8 school housed maybe 400-500 students. But, any other kid that displayed “not normal” behavior was usually labeled slow, was told they had ADD (attention deficit disorder, before they added that “H” to it) and moved to the redundant class. I was also lumped into this group, at least for a bit.

Soon, after some additional testing and the incredible support from my mom, they concluded I should actually be taking advanced classes instead of being moved to the slower class. They landed on the fact that I was disruptive because I was bored and I didn’t understand why everyone wasn’t done with their work as quickly as I was. I’m not saying this brag, but to illustrate the beginning of my disconnect from the “normal” people around me which I’ve felt for a long time.

In Middle School, and especially in High School, these “outsider” type feelings really started to grow. Again, I had no way to verbalize this to anyone so they could maybe offer some suggestions or help; so, instead I retreated inward. I used to study people having conversations and try and figure out the mechanism behind it. It didn’t quite make sense to me. It was like an impossible math problem. I could talk at people but not with people. For some reason, it was hard, or almost impossible, for me to care about what anyone else was saying most of the time. Despite this, it wasn’t like I was a loner. I had plenty of friends. I was invited to parties and sleepovers and whatnot. People generally liked me. But, that was always centered around one thing: sports. Sports were my conduit and connection with others. I lived and breathed sports (Packers, Brewers and Bucks fan for life! In that order.), spent hours pouring over stats, collected massive amounts of baseball and football cards, and drew up plays in all my school notebooks. My friends and I would play sports all day, every day. Baseball season turned into Football season which turned into Basketball season which turned back in Baseball season. I could talk sports with anyone and for hours. I’m sure some people were likely sick of me talking about my beloved Green Bay Packers, and how Brett Favre was the greatest football player ever and my eternal hero (which he still is to this day). I didn’t need other hobbies or interests as sports consumed every waking moment. I was convinced I would either:

A) Become the starting shortstop for the Brewers

Or, if that didn’t work out, I’d fall back on:

B) Become a starting wide receiver for the Packers

Simple, right?

(I know, you’re probably wondering why I’m blathering about all this when the question was about music. Well, hold on to your butts, I’m almost there.)

Well, not exactly. First off, it would have been highly unlikely that a 5’7”, 120lb white kid from the sticks would be able to crack either of those major sports leagues. Not impossible per se, but not entirely possible either. Second, I had an Achilles’ tear when I was a Sophmore in High School. It wasn’t a complete tear, but it wasn’t far off. Coupled with my ongoing knee issues and my flat feet, I began to realize that sports were not likely in my future. It was a devastating blow for someone who didn’t really know much else. What would I do now? I briefly dabbled in nihilism, like a lot of High School-aged kids do, I’m sure. I had nothing left to look forward to. Things weren’t going great for ‘ol Bradley (or Brad, at the time).

When I stopped playing sports, suddenly most of my “friends” were no longer my friends. I wasn’t part of a group or team or anything. I had lost my connection to other people. Depression set in. Suddenly, that was my identity and I was really good at it. I started working at a factory so I had something to do after school. It was mostly mindless but passed the time and paid pretty damn well, especially for an unexperienced 16 year old in a small town. My coworkers became my new friends. Maybe this is what I’d do going forward. They all seemed to be doing OK. Until I started to see through that more and more. Some were. Some were not. Some were just as depressed as I was pretending not to be. There was a lot of drinking the nights away; and sometimes, the harder stuff would come out. I couldn’t do it anymore. I wanted something more. And still, through all that, I never felt like I fit in. Even with other depressed, aimless people, I was still the outsider. I told myself it was because I was destined for greater things, which turned out to be somewhat true. But, mostly, I just couldn’t feel any real connection to most of those around me. I didn’t know why and I didn’t know if anyone else felt like this. It was lonely.

It was around this time we had to take one of those stupid aptitude tests that supposedly tells you what you should be when you grow up. Most kids were already scouting out colleges at this time and I’m sure the school was trying to help them towards picking their major. (I had no path for my future, and thus, no desire to go to college. I viewed it as a waste of time. And, it would have been had I gone.) But, as is often the case with standardized personality/trait tests like that, my answers were so erratic and diametrically opposed that it could not reasonably spit out an answer as I was seemingly two separate people. There was the loud, boisterous Brad who thought speech class was the best because everyone had to shut up, give me all their attention, and listen to me talk. There was also the Brad who preferred to hole up and read Kurt Vonnegut Jr. books, play NFL 2K (or Madden when the NFL/EA killed 2K. Sega Dreamcast for life!) for hours, and hang out with my little brother in our bedroom and not interact at all with the outside world. There was the Brad who would cut class with a small group and go get high outside the Taco Bell and devour double-decker tacos like they were going out of style. But, there was also the Brad who spent his study halls alone, practicing pep band songs on his trombone. There was the Brad that thought Metallica and AC/DC were the greatest bands in the world. But, there was also the Brad who loved Tchaikovsky and Outkast with equal vigor. So, how was this stupid test supposed to know which to choose? Which was the real Brad?

There was always one teacher who I greatly respected, had become friends with and rarely argued with (which, is a miracle, as I rarely got along with my teachers). He sat me down and said this test doesn’t work for people like me. He said the Brad he knew would never let a damn piece of paper choose his direction in life. “What are you passionate about? What do you love to do?” he asked.

The only things that came to mind were reading and listening to music, but never at the same time. I don’t know how people do that. If music is on, I can’t concentrate on other things. “Aha!" he said. “Then music it is.”

“But how?” I asked. “I can’t sing to save my life and the only instrument I can kinda play is the trombone. I wish I could play guitar…”

“Then figure it out.”

He knew what motivated me and how much I loved to be challenged. Years before, my first foray into music was short-lived. I had saved up my lawn mowing and snow shoveling money and bought myself one of those $99 specials out of the JCPenney’s catalog. Kids over the age of 30 probably remember how awesome that fucking catalog was. It would come like two or three months before Christmas so you could start dreaming of all the stuff you couldn’t have. My sister and I would earmark dozens of its 1000 pages, hoping to get at least a few of the treasures inside. But, in this case, I could finally get it on my own. I ordered it through the mail and patiently waited for it to arrive. When it finally did, I was beside myself with excitement. I was on a path to a new world! Except, I didn’t know what to do with it. We couldn’t afford lessons and I didn’t even know how to get it in tune. Eventually, I figured out that I needed to spend another $15 on a tuner. I learned how to strum a few chords but it was much harder to play than I anticipated. Both literally, as my fingers ached, and sometimes bled, each day after only a short while, and generally as I struggled to remember where my fingers were supposed to go. I gave up after only a short while. He knew that. He knew I hated struggling at things but if someone challenged me, then I had to prove them wrong at all costs. I had to go home, pick up that damn guitar and get to work.

He also played guitar and would stay after school to show me some simple things to go practice. He showed me how to play a few very basic blues and folk songs. I spent hours practicing each night. Eventually, I graduated to strumming along to Bob Dylan songs. I learned how to play “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” by Poison and would host singalongs at the few parties I was still invited to. But, this all still felt like work. I wasn’t having much fun. I still sucked, still couldn’t play anything but a few basic chords, and had no idea how I would ever turn this into a career. Then, just like what had happened back in ‘92, when Brett Favre was introduced into my life after Majkowski went down during that Bengals game, as he seemingly always did, and he brought me sports as my connection to the world around me; I would be introduced to a hero who would show me a new path to connecting to people. Going forward, that connection would be music; and that hero’s name was Bruce Springsteen.

To give you the full experience, I’ll give you the full scene. When I was 16, my grandma was getting rid of a bunch of stuff, and one of those things was her old console sized record/8-track player. It was the kind that is about four feet long and three feet high, is all made of light colored wood and closes to be like a bar top. It was so heavy, I’m still surprised we were able to get it upstairs. The wooden monstrosity took up most of one whole wall when we finally finagled it into my (and my brother’s) bedroom. I was so excited to have my own record player but didn’t own any records myself. I started going through my mom’s collection and pulled a few to try out the player with. There was Neil Young’s “Decade” collection, Fleetwood Mac’s “Rumors” and Bruce Sprinsteen’s “Born to Run.” I had heard hits from all three artists, but never really dove into their records on the whole. Once I got the record player set up and working, I put on “Decade.” It was better than I had hoped. I loved his seemingly reckless and wild style when he played with the band and I remember the song “Helpless” really hit me hard.

I got ready to fire up a second album. I chose “Born to Run.” I had heard the song “Born to Run” on the radio a few times and I liked it, but thought Springsteen was mostly for the older crowd, not 16 year olds. I was so used to CD’s where the side you play is down that I put the record on upside down (B-side up). I pushed the button to start the automatic needle drop and found a spot across the room. I sat down on the floor next to my bed, back against my dresser. I closed my eyes. The Neil Young record had felt so alive and so real, I hoped this one would feel the same way. I had heard vinyl sounded different and so far it was 1 for 1 in my real life test. The needle finally touched down and made its silent loop around the outside groove, with a few cracks and pops so you knew it had found its mark. THEN… the intro to “Born to Run” kicked in (as it’s track one on side-B) with that drum fill and then that simple yet iconic guitar riff. I got shivers. By the time the vocal kicked in, I was already in another world. I couldn’t open my eyes. My heart began to beat faster. My whole body clenched up. My brain raced. What was this I was hearing? What was this I was feeling? It felt like it was all happening in slow motion, and suddenly, I was watching myself as I sat there paralyzed by the beauty and majesty of the sound coming from those old speakers. I could feel every drum fill in my stomach. Every word was perfect, every note necessary. Elation and anxiety washed over me. I searched my mind for a comparison to this moment. I tried to figure out the math behind this feeling while the physical version of me sat, eyes closed, on the floor taking in the this wondrous music. I wanted to be like him and just let this newfound glory wash over me but something was stopping me. I couldn’t stop trying to figure out what was happening. My brain kept spinning in circles and I tried to find something, anything to help me understand. I was panicked. But, looking down, that version of me was in heaven. Why don’t I get to enjoy this as he is? It wasn’t fair. I was having a meltdown and he was calm as could be. Finally, I gave up. I closed my eyes. And then something incredible happened. I slowly felt myself rejoin my physical body. In stressful moments like this, I’ve always felt a disconnect between my brain and body. But, suddenly, int that moment, they were reconnected and my brain switched off. There was no time for thoughts when this magical music is playing. For the first time in a long time, I stopped thinking. I was just being. I was just accepting. I was just being happy in a beautiful moment. It was something I had forgotten how to do.

“Born to Run” paused my thoughts and gave me the momentary peace of mind I had been longing for. It was the thing that used to happen when I would play sports. I could just be. I didn’t have the voices constantly chattering away as I tried to figure everything out like the world was one big math problem that I needed to solve. “Born to Run” allowed me to just be me for a while. It felt like an enormous weight had been lifted off my shoulders, if only for those four and a half minutes. It was the greatest feeling in the world. Or so I thought. But, music had an even greater gift and was just waiting for me to find it.

I started the song over. Partly because I needed that feeling again. And, if I’m being honest, partly because I thought there was a skip on the record in the bridge when they do the descending line just before they all pause and wait for Bruce’s famous “1, 2, 3, 4” to storm back into the final verse. There wasn’t of course but the band hits those notes so perfectly at the end of the run, that I swore it was the same one skipping, what seven times, before resolving. This time I focused all my attention on the words. By the time he said “Baby, this town rips the bones from your back. It’s a death trap…” I felt like he was singing about me, but me in the future; and, somehow he was doing it from the past. Somehow, back in 1975, he knew exactly what 16 year old Bradley would need to hear about 20 year old Bradley 30-some years later (hopefully that makes sense). I felt everything that he felt as he sang those words with all his heart. I felt like I knew him and he knew me. Maybe I wasn’t the only one who thought and felt the way I did. Maybe someone else understood my thoughts and feelings even better than I did. I finally felt like I wasn’t alone anymore. I cried as that song played for the second time. I felt like I had found my way back home after wandering aimlessly for the past year or two after losing sports. Bruce unlocked that part of my brain and my heart that allowed me to be myself again. I owe him everything for that.

That’s what music gave to me. It made me feel “human” in a way nothing else could. I finally felt “normal.” The more music I really listened to, the more I felt like I was part of a larger world of people who knew exactly who I was. I could learn from them. They were teaching me it was OK to be myself, no matter how fucked up I felt most of the time. And whenever I was feeling bad, they gave me a place where I could leave that at the door, put on a record, and escape; even if just for a while. I knew this was what I wanted to do. I knew I wanted to give the gift of music to others. I wanted others to feel OK about being themselves because someone else out there knew exactly what they were feeling. There’s a comfort in that. It’s why people listen to sad songs to feel better. Music gives people permission to be who they are and lets them know they are not alone. I may not know Bruce Springsteen personally, but he’s given me the best friend I’ve ever had in “Born to Run.” I thought it was my duty to pay it forward. If I could make music and help one person feel less alone and less fucked up in the world, then I’ve done my life’s work.

This is why I play music: to help people, especially those who’ve lost, or still haven’t found, their connection to the world around them.

That is what music gave to me that day so many years ago. That is what I hope to give back to others.

I know a lot people who have Asperger’s/Autism might feel that same disconnect I did (and still do sometimes). But, I want them to know it’s OK and they’re not broken. And, there’s a place where you can feel at peace and at home. It’s music. And maybe for some, it isn’t music. TV also does a lesser version of this for me. TV still allows me to shut my brain off for a while so I can relax a bit (Rick & Morty for life!). It doesn’t provide the same life-giving energy that music does, but everyone is different. Maybe it’s books or movies, but these stories can help us understand ourselves better than we can alone.

OK, so I’ve just now mentioned Asperger’s in a long post about playing music and having Asperger’s. Well, there’s lots more of that coming in part 2. You see, the whole time I’ve been feeling disconnected from the world, it was really just a product of the Asperger’s. I didn’t know it then. I don’t know how I could have. No one was really talking about it much back when I was kid. They still don’t, really. I don’t think doctors, teachers, parents, etc. are given much information on Asperger’s and what to look for in identifying it early on. I don’t know what would’ve been different, if anything, had I known sooner. I, myself, have only recently found out and started learning about it. It’s been a crazy three year journey since I started learning about it and how it affects me, but my life has already changed for the better by just knowing I have it. Just as it helps me understand myself better, it also helps those around me (like my wife, friends, etc.) understand a little better why I am the way I am. I don’t think younger Brad would have been able to do much with this information. I feel like I found out at the right time in my life.

I also really want to impart that I don’t think of Asperger’s as a disability in any way. In fact, it has helped me in numerous ways in the pursuit of my musical career. I’ll talk more about this in part 2 but I don’t think I’d even have gotten into music in the first place had it not been for my Asperger’s; so I definitely think of it as a blessing. I think people will start to be able to better identify Asperger’s in kids once we stop thinking about it as a negative. Now that I understand Asperger’s (and myself) better, there’s been at least a handful of times where I wish I could tell a parent that their child is likely on the spectrum. But, even the one time I brought it up (when it was even about someone else’s kid) they were quite offended by the mere suggestion. Maybe I should just not care (as I’m good at that) and just say it anyways. But I don’t want people to think it’s an insult and then never seriously consider it for their child. They should realized it can be a good thing. It is for me. As with anything in nature, there’s always a balance. So, there will always be negatives to balance out those positives but I still think I’m much better off on the whole because I have Asperger’s. But, more on that in part 2. Stay posted…

Asperger's, politics and one weird night... aka... any given Thursday...

I know, I’m on a weird blogging schedule these days. In my defense, I rarely know what day it is anymore. I guess that’s not really a defense but I’m going with it. Sort of how those who are somehow still opposing impeachment are going with “Trump is openly promoting Russian propaganda and compromising American elections and national security, again, by asking a foreign government, again, to smear a U.S. citizen? Well, something, something, Hunter Biden. Something, something, Adam Schiff. Something, something, FISA warrants.” Aah, that’s fun, isn’t it? One side says something backed up by evidence and research and the other just says something random and nonsensical and unrelated. Just like they’ve done on climate change (or the climate crisis, as I like to say; whichever you prefer), gay rights (or, as I like to call it, plain old human rights as it’s absurd to marginalize people based on sexual preferences. Some people like blondes, some brunettes or whatever, some like blondes or brunettes or whatever but with their own gender. Oooh, scary. But, I’d like to remind everyone that we have real issues to worry about here. Like, oh, I don’t know, maybe how our current President is literally a sexual predator who has been accused of rape, sexual assault, and sexual harassment, including non-consensual kissing or groping, by at least 23 women; which means the actual number is likely higher as many assaults go unreported. And that’s not even including his connection to Jeffrey Epstein where Trump is quoted as saying: “I’ve known Jeff for fifteen years. Terrific guy. He’s a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it — Jeffrey enjoys his social life.” Somehow all that seems a bit more prescient than worrying about others’ sexual preferences…), women’s rights (like abortion, access to birth control, etc.) and on and on, usually by hiding behind the veil of “religion” despite Jesus’ main message being acceptance of all. Whatever…

These impeachment hearings are driving me nuts. It’s becoming harder and harder to understand why angry, ignorant, privileged, old white guys are deciding the future of this country. It makes no sense. Finland just elected a 34 year old woman as their Prime Minister. That makes more sense to me. One can dream…

Anyway, when I get all worked up, my wife usually tells me to go play guitar or listen to music. So, I’m going to do that. Want to take a journey with me? Let’s go!

1) Genesis - “Mama”

I’m gonna be honest, I didn’t know there was a music video for this until tonight. I don’t know how this eluded me and I feel ashamed as a huge Genesis/Phil Collins fan. But, “Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-oeww.” I think that’s the proper onomatopoeia for that ridiculous thing Phil does in this song. It makes me happy every time. I can’t even remember why I was so angry earlier. I just want to “Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-oeww” for the next few days. Maybe that’s just the weird, obsessive Asperger’s side of me, but my poor wife is gonna hear “Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-oeww” at least another 50 times. Pray for her… And for me. She might kill me if I don’t stop “Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-oeww”-ing, which I won’t be able to…

2) Billy Joel - “We Didn’t Start the Fire”

Does this song have the dumbest song lyrics of all-time? Maybe, but it’s also awesome. It’s my life’s goal to learn all those nonsensical lyrics someday. #lifegoals (that’s a thing I’ve heard people say in real life, so it’s likely an interwebs thing. I don’t know…)

William Joel is one of the preeminent songwriters in the history of our great country but these are two of the actual verses in this song:

“Birth control, Ho Chi Minh, Richard Nixon back again
Moonshot, Woodstock, Watergate, punk rock
Begin, Reagan, Palestine, terror on the airline
Ayatollah's in Iran, Russians in Afghanistan

"Wheel of Fortune", Sally Ride, heavy metal, suicide
Foreign debts, homeless vets, AIDS, crack, Bernie Goetz
Hypodermics on the shores, China's under martial law
Rock and roller cola wars, I can't take it anymore”

Yep. The same man who wrote “The Stranger,” “Glass Houses,” “52nd Street,” and “An Innocent Man” wrote those words.

Speaking of Asperger’s, if you haven’t listened to perhaps the greatest recounting of Asperger’s/Autism in song, stop everything you’re doing and listen to “I Go to Extremes” now if you want to understand how we work. Don’t think this is what Joel was aiming for when writing this tune but my wife constantly makes fun of me about this song. It’s always, “I can’t believe Billy wrote a song about you” or something like that.

3) Alanis Morissette - “Hand in my Pocket”

Man, did Alanis fucking rock the 90’s. Sure, her harmonica playing leaves something to be desired but so many hits and she’s such a fucking badass. Speaking of contradictions and possibly Asperger’s-y songs, this one is right there. It’s weird how disparate and diametrically opposed Asperger’s can be. I’ve literally had companies make me take personality tests 2 or 3 times because the answers didn’t align with their predetermined personality types so they thought I was lying, not qualified, etc. but in reality it’s just how my Asperger’s manifests and how I can be more than one thing at once. I’m an extroverted introvert. I’m a loquacious thinker. I’m outwardly confident but inwardly focused. I’m a terrible listener but an excellent observer of humans. I feel more myself while performing music in front of a crowd than I do at home in my underwear. I’m an adventurous person who simultaneously would rather be at home. I love trying new foods but eat the same thing every day for lunch. I’m a spontaneous creature of habit. I think that’s enough examples; you get the point. Not sure what Alanis’ intent was with this song but it’s strangely an Asperger’s anthem.

4) Umm, whatever this is…

OK, so it’s Bad Brains but this is ridiculously funny. I don’t know why I get such a kick out of this but I do. Long live Bad Brains and Charlie Brown!

5) Sesame Street cameos that somehow happened…

Like JOHNNY CASH and PAUL SIMON.

6) Norm Macdonald creates one of my favorite Conan memories of all-time

Yep. I guess I’m officially off-topic right now. Things just got weird. A fourth bourbon will do that. But, we all feel like Conan after that rambling, weird, and ultimately hilarious joke/non-joke. Norm is my favorite. One of the best standup shows I’ve ever seen live. At the show he made an audience member storm out in protest by asking genuine questions about their religion. Nothing offensive or condescending, just why they believed something they did. They got so defensive but had no rational answers and got up and left in anger. It was strange to see someone, who supposedly held their beliefs so strongly, unable to answer basic questions as to why they believed so strongly in something and get so angry so quickly when someone honestly asked them to defend it. Wish that wasn’t how most people are these days, but unfortunately it is. Trying to have an honest debate is nearly impossible nowadays. It’s sad people are so insecure that they instantly get angry/defensive whenever someone doesn’t agree with them. It’s such a sad thing that we can’t have educated and civil disagreements anymore…

7) Battle of the Network Stars

Sorry folks, we’re way out in the sticks now. But, this is a thing that used to happen. I remember being on vacation in Wisconsin a few years back (vacation in Wisconsin?! I know. But we were visiting family and then taking some time for ourselves) and it was one of those truly Midwest Winter days, you know, -5 degrees with a -25 windchill, so there wasn’t much to do/open. We stayed at the hotel and watched an entire rerun of one of the Battle of the Network Stars, much to my wife’s dismay. But, she eventually got into it and was rooting for Tom Selleck, as we all were, as he proved his former collegiate sports skills. Man, I could watch BotNS reruns all day, every day…

8) Peter and Quagmire Sing!

Maybe this isn’t going to get any better tonight so I think we’ll end it here. I often wake up with these songs stuck in my head. I also love how well MacFarlane harmonizes with himself in different voices. He’s so fucking talented. Crazy to think he went to music school with Frank Sinatra Jr. and is equally talented vocally, but is also one of the funniest people in the history of the world. Long live Seth MacFarlane…

(dictated but not read)

Things I'm outraged about right now... aka... not Peloton's stupid holiday ad...

I have a few things I’d like to get off my chest. I know, you’re thinking “How is that different that what you do most of the time?” Well, I guess imaginary you has a point. I often need to get things off my chest and into the (computer) world because somehow this makes me feel better. I’m not sure what the mechanism is as I’m not a psychologist (though I do play one on TV. OK, I don’t but I could…) but, for reasons unknown to me, typing my issues into the interwebsphere helps me move on with my life. This is my therapy, so to speak. Which is nice because this is free and I don’t have health insurance (one of the many “benefits” of being a poor musician… along with worrying about paying rent, drinking probably too much, keeping really weird hours, eating too much cottage cheese after shows… OK, maybe that last one is just me. Not sure why or how it started, but that’s my post-show ritual now. A glass of bourbon and some cottage cheese and kiwi. I’m weird, I know…) so actual therapy is not an option for me right now. As my therapists (or “the rapists” if you’re an SNL nerd like me), all you need to do is listen. Well, I guess technically you don’t even need to do that as I just put this out there and have no clue if anyone actually reads it or not. I could check the stats on Squarespace but I don’t care enough. That’s one of the nice things about having Asperger’s: I don’t have to care about a lot of things that “normal,” non-Aspy people care too much about. I feel like it’s a super power as my wife/friends/family/etc. ask me constantly about what I think about things before they say/do/post/etc it. I don’t really care what other people think about things. Yes, I’d like people to enjoy my music but it’s OK if they don’t. Doesn’t matter to me. If they can’t understand the wonderfully human and tragic-yet-hopeful nature of my storytelling, that’s a loss for them. I don’t gain or lose anything as a result. Well, maybe an album sale or stream here and there, but I don’t make music for money. I make money from music but I don’t make music for money. I’m wholly unconcerned about others’ opinion of me. It’s nice to be free from that burden of trying to be liked or trying to be something you’re not or whatever a related third thing is because things sound better in threes. But, I’ve gotten way off topic. I guess I technically haven’t even established a topic to get off of yet, so I’m still not off topic. Ha! I win…

1) Why are people so hard on Elizabeth Warren about Medicare for All but don’t give Bernie Sanders as much shit about it?

It’s such a double standard. Unfortunately, women know this double standard all too well. But, seriously folks, I read Bernie’s document about it on his website and he doesn’t have a solid/attainable plan to pay for it at all. His stance is the government has really low administrative costs for Medicare compared to private insurance companies so that will somehow save money by not having government subsidize those costs to the private companies. I guess. But those costs are still only a part of the total bill. The math doesn’t make sense. He then lists some random shit that “may” be options to help fund his Medicare for All plan. Like an extreme wealth tax plan (never gonna happen as rich people are more influential than poor people and won’t let this happen), lower drug costs (not gonna happen. They pill that can effectively eliminate HIV, literally a cure for AIDS, costs about $75/year in many countries but like $40,000 in America. Drug companies are not going to suddenly give up all that money…) and other things that the very rich are not just going to suddenly let happen which will take more of their money. And that is all being generous, as he couldn’t pass a bill if he wanted to as the Republicans are primed to keep the majority in the Senate anyways as half the Democratic senators are running for President. OK, it’s not half but it sure feels like it sometimes. Bernie also wants to relieve student loan debt, make college free, etc. All things that would require fundamentally changing our country and the way it runs these things. Look, he’s right. All the other first-world countries offer things like healthcare for its citizens, higher education at low-no cost, etc. in one shape or another, but America has always been about money and money and more money first and foremost. It can be good in some instances, but terrible in others. The US should not be ranked 37th in overall healthcare for its citizens. That’s awful and, frankly, unacceptable. Something does need to be done. I’m just not sure Bernie has any effective plans to make that happen.

No one has demanded a more concrete plan from Bernie like they did from Warren. And, now she’s getting angst because she stepped back and said there has to be a transition period before any Medicare for All could be put in place. And her poll numbers have slipped as a result. That’s insane. Of course there has to be a transition. It’s not as if Bernie was going to walk in on January 20th, 2021 and suddenly I’d have healthcare. That’s not how things work. Personally, I don’t think the insurance and drug companies would ever let that happen. They would literally be losing trillions of dollars. People like to have trillions of dollars, I hear. But, it’s insane that Bernie can spout whatever nonsense he wants and Warren would like to move towards one of those lofty goals and gets torn apart over it. I believe it is just because she is a woman. And I can’t believe we are still doing this to women. Think of when Hilary had the flu or whatever and everyone jumped on her like she didn’t have the toughness or health to be President. Bernie literally had a heart attack and no such claims were made. Our current President is morbidly obese, can’t form coherent sentences to save his life and apparently just recently found out that “canine” is just a fancy word for “dog” and not much is made about his unfitness to be President. It’s stupid we’re still doing this to women so blatantly in 2019. C’mon people, we should be better than this.

2) Happy Saint Nicholas’ Day!

Congratulations if you know what the hell I’m talking about since I usually get blank stares when I say it. The tradition is alive in the Wik household as I woke up to fresh baked cookies and other small treats in my stocking. But, apparently, at least according to Wikipedia, if you didn’t grow up with a strong German, Polish and/or Belgian influence in the cities of Milwaukee, Wisconsin; Evansville, Indiana; Cincinnati, Ohio; Fredericksburg, Texas; Newport News, Virginia; St. Louis; Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, then you do have a pretty good excuse in having never heard of this holiday. I do love little treats and snacks so I enjoy this day a lot. I forget every year until it’s the morning of December 6th, but still. Sorry to all those who did not get something delicious to celebrate the occasion. I will have one of these delicious snickerdoodle sugar cookies while thinking of you.

3) Why do people choose such stupid shit to get all pissed off about when there are literally hundreds of things that would warrant such vitriol, angst, outrage, etc.?

That stupid Peloton commercial was just on whatever generic Hallmark movie is on TV and it got me thinking “Why on Earth are people so outraged about a stupid TV ad?” It’s permeated my newsfeeds (both Apple and Google news) and I had to click on it to see why people would give a shit about a boring, weird and ultimately stupid commercial for a $2500 stationary bike. Apparently, people think it’s sexist since the husband gave his already a model wife a bike (which implies she should lose weight). They also think it perpetuates a stereotypical model of beauty which shouldn’t be idealized. And they’re mad because the model was already fit so how did becoming slightly more fit “change her life?” Look, it’s a dumb commercial. We can all agree on that. But, Peloton is selling a lifestyle/status symbol that is 100% intended for the wealthier types out there. I’ve heard people brag about how many different Peloton products they’ve bought. Which, to be fair, I would probably get one if I had lots of expendable income too. But I don’t, so I use the free bikes down in my apartment complex workout room.

Look, nobody loves to get outraged about random things more than me (see: almost all my past blogs. Though most of that is in jest…) and I understand what the complaints are getting at, but who cares? Seriously. We are currently in the process of possibly impeaching our President, who is clearly unfit to serve in so many different ways and is being mocked openly by other world leaders, global warming is pretty much past the point of no return and Manhattan might soon turn into the land under the sea, Puerto Rico is still in a horrible state from the hurricanes, North Korea is offering vague threats about bombing us and are close to having the technology to do so, Iran is now making nukes since the U.S. pulled out of the Iran nuclear deal, we have a growing disparity between the rich and poor in our country, ungodly-wealthy companies like Facebook, Google, FedEx, Amazon, etc. don’t pay taxes despite billions in revenue (and, in fact, some even get refunds in the hundreds of millions of dollars, which is absurd), millions of kids are going to bed hungry every night in the U.S., women here and all over the world are still marginalized/oppressed/not allowed to attend school/forced into marriages/forced to hike miles and miles to fetch clean water/unable to get abortions in some states here at home/at risk for sexual assault whenever they walk down the street, go to college, get into an Uber, the list goes on and on…, racism is still alive and well, in fact, getting worse not better, there were 97 school shootings last year alone and our government has done nothing to keep guns away from anyone who wants one and would like to injure/murder others (see this quote: "It is sobering that in 2017, there were 144 police officers who died in the line of duty and about 1,000 active-duty military throughout the world who died, whereas 2,462 school-age children were killed by firearms," said Charles Hennekens, the study's lead author from Florida Atlantic University's Schmidt College of Medicine.), our V.A. healthcare system is ridiculously broken with wait times of up to three months for care, and it is woefully unprepared to help with the mental health challenges of returning to civilian life leading to veterans being twice as likely (or more, depending on which study you read) to commit suicide as a non-veteran, which is horrible considering what they and they’re families have given up in order to serve our country, our electoral college system is so antiquated/insane that someone can lose by five million votes and still be overwhelmingly be elected to our nation’s highest seat rendering millions of peoples’ votes useless, not to mention that Ellen recently went to a football game with former President George W. Bush…

OK, obviously that last one was another example of ridiculous things people get outraged about for no fucking reason. And that list above is just what’s off the top of my head as I write this. I could make an entire list just containing the shitty/absurd things that are still done to women and minorities in 2019 in the United States of America for some insane reason. Look, I don’t like to live my life outraged and angry. I spent an entire year doing that (OK, it was 4 years, aka High School) being angry about: George W. Bush becoming President because of the aforementioned antiquated/insane way we elect our leaders, a small town in Wisconsin still being actively racist against its few minority students and the school doing essentially nothing about the confederate flag waving and hate spewing students it housed, everything that had to do with Dick Cheney, including his shooting a guy in the face and the victim apologizing to him, the ridiculous war in Iraq, amongst other things like the general shittiness of High School and High School-aged people (Kristen Bell has a fantastic show on Disney+ called “Encore!” where a High School Drama club re-performs a musical they did like 20 years ago. Intentionally or unintentionally, it shows just how stupid High School was as they dredge up the past. It’s both heartening to see how some people have matured and disheartening to see how some have not…). It was awful. So, I’m not saying we should live our day to day outraged about the things I listed above. That would be a terrible society to live in. But, what I am saying, is that maybe before you get outraged and feel the need to post online about it, usually joining in an already growing chorus of indignation, maybe think to yourself: is this really something I should be this mad about? Is this more important than any of the things listed above or the hundreds of other actual tragedies occurring right now in the world? Is it?

Anyways, I’ve rambled enough for now…

(dictated but not read)

Saturday Night was awesome, today is not... aka... (hopefully not) an impending Meniere's attack...

Special thanks to all those who came out and listened on Saturday! It was a last minute deal and I’m very appreciative for all the rapt attention, laughter at my (very random and sometimes nonsensical) jokes and for all the support I’ve received in the Davidson/Cornelius area since moving to North Carolina back in August, which seems like forever ago at this point (in a good way!).

But, for those of you new to the blog, I, unfortunately, have Meniere’s Disease; which is an inner-ear disorder affecting hearing, vision and balance amongst other things. And, even more unfortunately, my non-Meniere’s ear, my left ear, is having some sort of issue which is making it hard for me to do things today. I’m hoping I don’t suddenly have Meniere’s in both ears, which would truly suck. But, it is currently difficult to continue looking at a computer and writing, so I’m going to sign off early as I really just wanted to thank those who came out Saturday and then go try not to freak out about my ear. Ears are important to musicians, I hear. At least I do when I’m not having issues like today…

If you want to know what Meniere’s does to me, READ THIS BLOG POST about my last attack back in August. Needless to say, it fucking sucks. It starts with minor hearing loss (makes everything sound dulled), slowly moves towards more advanced hearing loss, then affects my vision, balance and finishes by leaving me bedridden, nauseous and unable to move due to vertigo while the rest of the room gets to spin round and round like a ferris wheel… Not my idea of fun…

Also, for those of you new to the blog, scroll down to the next post (or click the blog post labeled “Genesis (the band), Hallmark Movies and NewsRadio... aka... this may be my life's work...”) to see Bradley’s normal level of random, silly ranting about things he (and likely only he) thinks are of great importance…

(dictated but not read)

This might be the only photo I saw from Saturday where I didn’t have a weird face while singing. I make lots of weird faces while I sing…

Genesis (the band), Hallmark Movies and NewsRadio... aka... this may be my life's work...

OK, so it’s been a strange week. Not good, not bad, just strange. Sometimes I feel like I’m floating in one of those salt baths and I’m losing my sense of self (in addition to all my actual senses). I get a little panicky as I’m beginning to lose spacial awareness and what direction is what. The lack of time is the hardest. As someone with Asperger’s, time is of the utmost importance to me. Maybe that’s just me and the way my Asperger’s manifests but I have a borderline panic attack if I think I’m going to be late for something. I’m ridiculously good at time management and planning (unless I’m doing something creative like writing a song, recording, etc. then I might miss a whole day. BUT, I also usually account for that in my schedule, so I guess I’m not really off schedule even then). But, these days I don’t feel a particular connection to time and I don’t know how to react to it. I think the time thing is heavily related to routines (which most on the spectrum desperately need) and it could be that lack of routines that is throwing me off. Who knows? But the only routines I currently have are waking up and making coffee, and eating cottage cheese after playing a show. Still not sure how that second one came about but it’s a routine which means I need to do it regardless of how weird it sounds. It all feels… not good, not bad, just strange…

All of which is to preface that I have three very weird, very divergent topics for you this week. These are some of the core tenets of Bradley Wik which he will take to his grave. Not sure why I went third-person there, but apart from my belief in things like gravity, cheese being the greatest food on Earth, the moon landing in 1969 being a hoax, 1975 being the greatest year for music ever (Springsteen’s “Born to Run,” Dylan’s “Blood on the Tracks" and Neil Young’s “Tonight’s the Night” all came out that year; all of which are in my top 5 albums of all-time), and the Sony MDR-7506’s being the greatest deal in headphones ever (still only $99, lightweight for longer sessions and super accurate. Sure, the sound isolation during recording doesn’t match some other brands like the Sennheiser HD280’s, but those also weigh like twice as much. Not fun for a 14 hour session…); the following are three things I will work tirelessly to promote to anyone within earshot. My voice will be heard. While I’m alive, I’ll make tiny changes to Earth (rest in your much deserved peace, Scott Hutchison…) starting with these three.

So, here we go…

1) “Who Dunnit?” by Genesis

“Who Dunnit?” is the best bad song ever, and it’s my goal to make everyone around me listen to it and love it like it was their own child… OK, well, at least think it’s funny enough to make others listen to it. Sort of like a virus I’m trying to spread to the world. Wait, that sounds bad. Scratch that. More like three and a half minutes of pure joy that needs to be experienced at least once in your life. And then experienced again. And again. And again once you officially can’t get it out of your head and you find yourself making a reference to it when you’re hanging out with your friends and then you have to explain to them why you keep saying “We know” or “We don’t know” like that and you get sort of embarrassed but then you have to show them so they at least don’t think you’re an insane person and then after listening to “Who Dunnit?” they all look at you like a crazy person anyways but then later that week they find themselves humming something they can’t get out of their head and can only remember the words “Was it you or was it me?” which makes it hard to google so they text you and ask what the hell was that song you played for them last weekend and you sheepishly text back “Who Dunnit?” by Genesis and they’re like “Genesis? Is that the same as Phil Collins? My mom loves Phil Collins” and you’re like “Genesis is fucking awesome and no, they’re different, not completely but either way they’re still way better with Collins than Gabriel” and your friend shoots back “What the hell are you talking about?” and you get all fired up and send over Spotify links to “Invisible Touch,” “Abacab,” “Genesis” and “We Can’t Dance” and tell them to stop everything they’re doing and listen to these NOW and they send back “I’m at work, idiot” and you text back “We know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we don’t know, we don’t know, we all know we don’t know, we all know we don’t know…” and suddenly everything in the world feels right… Good times…

2) Just put water in the damn cups! (especially you, Hallmark…)

In movies and TV, characters are constantly getting and drinking coffee. It gives them something to do and makes it seem more realistic as opposed to just standing around spouting dialogue to move a story forward. I get it. BUT, they always use empty coffee cups and it drives me nuts as the actors are unable to make it seem like there’s anything in the cups ever. It looks so ridiculous to see them flail about with a recently obtained cup of joe or trying to simulate drinking while only sucking air or carry the cups in unrealistic ways that would dump that hot java all over themselves or others. This is insane. I get it. Actors don’t want to drink coffee take after take or risk spilling it which would slow down production. That makes sense to me. BUT, would filling the cups halfway (or less) with water really cause that many issues? Especially for scenes where they have to pretend to actually drink and swallow the invisible coffee. Taking a sip of water makes it easier on everyone including lubricating those overworked vocals chords during takes.

The worst culprit of this is Hallmark. Most of their movies are centered around Christmas and therefore wintertime, so people are always grabbing coffee, hot chocolate, etc. They are often on the go and/or coming into a room with it, then faking a drink so they can set it down and move on with the scene. Given the already likelihood that if the actor hits the mark and says the line mostly intact they’re moving on, they are unlikely to give a shit if the actor convincingly conveyed the simple human act of drinking well or not. We know they have to make like 100 or so movies a year, so time is of the essence. Take, for example, Hallmark’s made up cafe name in one of their movies (I forget which one. But, maybe you know it. It’s the one where the busy girl who lives the exciting but unfulfilling life in the big city returns home, runs into a former boyfriend, initially doesn’t like him, shenanigans ensue, they end up having to spend time together to save the city or some bullshit, they fall back in love after she falls from a ladder trying to decorate a tree, and she gives up her job to move back home. You know the one I’m talking about, right?). They called it the “Kris Kringle Kafe.” No joke. The KKK… Nice job. They even made a fake sign for the building and no one said anything.

But, given that Hallmark is on such a time crunch to begin with and doesn’t always employ the best actors (though if Lacey Chabert can’t pretend to drink from an empty cup convincingly, who can?), they always have the most glaring examples of this. Gilmore Girls also had me screaming at the screen quite often but you don’t want to miss jokes so you tend to rant less during the episodes. With Hallmark movies, that’s not an issue. There’s plenty of time to scream “JUST PUT WATER IN THE CUP!” at the screen and not be worried about missing key bits of dialogue given almost every movie follows the format above.

Like I said, I understand the reasons against putting any liquid in the cups. The last thing an actor needs is another thing to worry about like spilling water on themselves when they have to remember all that wonderfully intricate dialogue while walking to a spot marked off on the floor, but I think they can manage. For the record, I really put bourbon in my glass and took actual drinks of beer when making MY MUSIC VIDEO FOR “LOOKIN’ AT LUCKEY.” You know why? Because I’m method, man. Not to be confused with Method Man who is way more awesome than I’ll ever be…

3) Why is NewsRadio not a more popular show?

This has confounded me for years; especially since my mom got me the complete DVD set, which was on clearance somewhere since no one was buying it. She had remembered me loving reruns of “NewsRadio” from who knows how many years ago and surprised me with it. It’s one of my favorite and most unexpected gifts ever. But, since owning it and re-watching every episode countless times, I have come to the conclusion that either:

A) No one knows this show exists

or

B) People are stupid

Every time I hear someone extol the virtues and genius of “Arrested Development,” I think of this show. No, they are not the same type of show exactly, but they have a similar feel. They’re both witty, silly, outrageous, well-written, well-acted, ensemble type shows. My favorite thing in the world is when someone can pull off stupid and clever at the same time. It’s incredibly hard to do. Tina Fey can do it. Will Ferrell can do it. Seth MacFarlane can do it. “Seinfeld” did it. “Arrested Development” did it. “NewsRadio” did it. There’s probably a few I’m missing, but my point is the list isn’t long and “NewsRadio” should be required watching. It’s like the better version of “Parks and Rec.” “NewsRadio” is zany (see: Matthew and Bill), full of lovable, idiosyncratic characters (see: Dave, Joe and Beth) and is incredibly well-acted (see: Jimmy James, Catherine and Lisa). The Outer Space and Titanic episodes are brilliant one-off episodes that show the wit (and nerdiness) of the writing. There are too many quotable lines that are waiting to be unleashed on the public (and they are waiting, trust me. No one laughs and then I have to explain what I’m referencing and then I get the dead eyes stare of someone who has no clue what show I’m talking about. Sometimes, I’ll get the “is that a Netflix show?” and then the “really?” when I say it was on NBC during the same time period as “Seinfeld” and “Friends”).

I also have no clue why this show has not been on Netflix or Hulu or Amazon. It was briefly (it may still be) on Crackle but even then was only 2-3 seasons, and no one fucking watches Crackle. If there was justice in the world, “NewsRadio” would be popping up on the recommendations for everyone who has watched “Seinfeld,” “30 Rock,” “Parks and Rec,” “Arrested Development,” “The Larry Sanders Show,” hell, even “The Office” (original or American, though it’s probably closer to the American series, just much funnier). I’ve never met a single person who said they watched it and didn’t like it or think it was funny. Then again, I’ve only ever met one other person who is sure they’ve seen it (I’ve gotten a few “I think I remember that show…” which clearly means they do not), so that stat is a bit indeterminate at this point.

To illustrate how forgotten this show has become, this is literally a line from the “NewsRadio” Wikipedia page: “In the United States, the show occasionally airs as a filler on WGN America.” Seriously?! Fucking filler on WGN?! The problems that are facing our great nation are, well, great, but this may be the most important issue of our generation. How have we allowed this show and its’ greatness to be forgotten, shoved aside and buried as “filler on WGN?” When a great injustice is happening, someone has to (argh, I hate this fucking cliche…) speak truth to power (I guess I could’ve changed the wording but I think I just wanted to add how much I hate it when people say “speak truth to power” instead of using literally any other way of describing that idea) and get it out into the world so we can band together and right an egregious wrong. If I have to be that person, I’m willing to take on that responsibility and be the face of the “NewsRadio” movement. Just as Jimmy once ran for president (so he could meet woman), I too, will lead this charge (so I can become more popular and sell more records) for the American people. I guess for all people. Dave Foley is from Canada so there’s probably more fans of this show up there. Who knows… All I know is there are not enough people watching this show, and I, Bradley Wik, am taking a stand against “NewsRadio” remaining a lost gem with a small following. This show deserves a renaissance like “Friends” (though I still don’t know why “Friends” has made such a comeback. It wasn’t that good in the 90’s and it’s still not that good now…) and I’m willing to be the first to fight for that. Join me and make “NewsRadio” the new hipster-anti-hipster-or-millennial-or-whatever-“cool”-kids-are-these-days show so it can finally get its’ due.

Thank you. I endorse this message.

(dictated but not read)

Good times…

When Bradley's down, he turns to music... aka... this is what I do several times a week...

I’m in a weird mood tonight. I was watching the live “Little Mermaid” thing on ABC but they’re just showing the movie and having people sing the songs. It’s weird to flip back and forth between animated and one voice to live and a different voice. Plus, it turns out, I don’t really remember “The Little Mermaid” very much at all so I got bored. But, it’s been a weird week for me in total. I’m itching to have as many shows as possible lined up so I can A) give myself something to look forward to, B) have a release for some pent up anger/sadness and, of course, C) make some money. But, I have a brief lull so I’m stuck with myself for a bit, which is never a good thing. The Boss wrote about it in his book if you want to get into that fear of self even more but I’m going for a pick me up. So, now I’m in the mood for some music. Let’s see what we got this week…

1) The B-52’s - “Private Idaho”

Man, did a lot of great bands come from Athens. And these guys and gals are definitely one of my favorite. I love their energy, their vision for this band, their uniqueness, and, of course, their tunes. They just look like they’re having so much fucking fun all the time. I want to have that much fun on stage sometime. I think I need to get weirder and more… I don’t know what. But, I can tell you I’ve had plenty of one man dance parties to the B-52’s over the years, which, I think is a trend likely to continue. This isn’t my favorite of their tunes but I do love the video and I just saw a commercial for french fries which got me thinking of Idaho. So, that’s probably how we ended up here to begin our musical journey.

2) Talking Heads - “Take Me to the River”

I can never get enough of “Stop Making Sense,” the big suit and Mr. Byrne and co. This is another thing that always brings a smile to my face. As does THIS VIDEO OF BRIANNE DOING THE BIG SUIT (at around 3:30 in the video) which is the moment I realized I’m a terrible/awesome influence on people. But Mr. Byrne is unabashedly one of the most creative, wondrous, thoughtful and thought-provoking artists we have. I can’t tell you how often I cue up “More Songs About Buildings and Food” on the turntable. It always takes me to a different world for those 40 or so minutes. That’s what I always look for in a record. The earliest examples of that happening for me was with Meatloaf’s “Bat Out of Hell” and Metallica’s “Black” album. As I’ve mentioned many times before, the greatest example of this, however, is the moment the needle touched down on “Born to Run” which I had accidentally put side B on first so the first tune that came majestically blasting out of the speakers on my grandma’s old console record player was “Born to Run” itself. Which, (cue Rob Lowe voice) literally changed my entire life. It’s my “hold your fire, there's no life forms aboard” kickoff to the whole Star Wars adventure moment. If you don’t know what that means, WATCH THIS AND LEARN.

3) Vanessa Carlton - “White Houses”

Stupid fucking YouTube ads. I don’t give a shit about Grammerly (though I’m sure many of you are shouting at me to be more succinct, less rambly, less erratic, less using of commas to string thoughts together with utter disregard to tenants of good writing…). This song strangely takes me back to a time in my life I’d rather not think about but somehow feels comforting at the same time. I guess that’s what music is for: making us feel OK about ourselves. These lyrics just hit the right notes for my soul:

Stay up too late, and I'm too thin
We promise each other it's til the end
Now we're spinning empty bottles
It's the five of us
With pretty eyed boys girls die to trust
I can't resist the day
No, I can't resist the day

Jenny screams out and it's no pose
Cause when she dances she goes and goes
And beer through the nose on an inside joke
And I'm so excited, I haven't spoken
And she's so pretty, and she's so sure
Maybe I'm more clever than a girl like her
The summer's all in bloom
The summer is ending soon

It's alright and it's nice not to be so alone
But I hold on to your secrets in white houses

There’s something so familiar and warm/fuzzy feeling about Vanessa’s songs. I don’t know what it is and why I’m so drawn to it. But Christian James Hand (a fellow Asperger’s) also stated his love for this tune on his amazing podcast “Man vs. Radio” at one point so maybe there’s something there too. I also generally prefer female singers to male as it just sounds more “right” to me. I don’t know why that is either. But, anyways…

4) Lisa Loeb - “Stay (I Missed You)”

This was fucking 25 years ago… How old does that make you feel? But, somehow this came out the same years as this…

5) All-4-One - “I Swear”

Which seems like it was a hundred fucking years ago at this point. Middle school slow dances, anyone? Which is weird because this song was already 5 or 6 years old then but apparently Wisconsin is a bit behind the times in a lot of ways. It’s weird, I clicked on this song as a joke but had to listen to it in its’ entirety. It still grooves. Those guys could sing the skin off an apple, if that was a saying that I didn’t just make up right now. But, it’s true, I think. Strange memory just came back to me though. My sister bought this cassette and was kind enough to make me a copy and it became my after-dinner-chores listening music for months. I’d pop my Walkman on and vacuum, dry dishes, etc. while these guys sang that skin off that apple. It’s weird to remember going up and down the stairs with a Dirt Devil while singing along to “I Swear” probably annoying the shit out of everyone else not living in that world for those 4 minutes… Ah, good times…

6) George Michael - “Freedom”

OK, so full disclosure, I wasn’t actually thinking of this song as much as I was thinking ABOUT THIS. Shit is fucking ridiculous and brings a great big smile to my face, which I could use right now. Anna Faris fucking kills in the next scene too. Maybe I’ll watch “Keanu” later. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea, but for now, we go a couple more tunes to play.

(As a sidenote, poor YouTube has no fucking clue how to recommend songs/videos for me anymore. I’ve been too random over the years and my brain already doesn’t work linearly to begin with. Thank you Asperger’s! But, this is the same problem with Spotify and Netflix. Though Netflix is mainly confused by how fucking polar opposite my wife and I’s watching patterns are. I don’t know how to set up an alternate profile or whatever so Netflix always gives us the recommendations no one wants since it can’t figure it out.)

7) Sam Cooke - “Another Saturday Night”

Fucking Grammerly. Go the fuck away. Goddammit! YouTube, you suck… OK, sorry. I goddamn love this man’s voice. I could listen to him sing forever. Such a talented man. Heard he was a big asshole but who isn’t who is this talented? I am definitely putting this on the set once I get a band back together (which is soon, hopefully). Just a great singalong tune that’s so brilliant in its simplicity.

8) Chumbawamba - “Tubthumping”

You can’t not have a smile on your face when this song is on. Well, at least I can’t. I know many people find it annoying as hell but I fucking love it. “Pissing the night away” as a refrain type thing? Amazing. It’s pure fun and just makes me want to crush a beer and do some shots like I’m fucking 22 again. This is one of the songs that remind me of the good times, maybe not the better times, but definitely the good times. Good times… Which brings me to the greatest drinking song in the history of mankind (which makes it the greatest drinking song of all-time unless some other animal throughout history somehow learned how to make alcohol which seems unlikely so I’m going with greatest drinking song of all-time…)…

9) Dexys Midnight Runners “Come On Eileen”

Goddammit Grammerly! I’m never using you ever you music interrupting piece of shit! AHHHHHH!

But, this is in my top 10 songs of all-time which, I know, seems strange but it’s true. Is it “Bold as Love” or “Born to Run?” No, but it’s definitely in the next tier for me. It instantly takes me to a happy place that I never want to leave. Tell me singing along with a roomful of strangers while pounding the bar or your table during that breakdown isn’t the most fun you’ve had in a while… It absolutely is when it happens. If I ever own a bar, I’d play this song at midnight every night and it would be required of everyone to sing along and pound the bar and have that experience so they can pass it along to their friends. I miss New York…

(dictated but not read)

Dexys Midnight Runners… Glorious…

What do Women's Olympic Figure Skating, The Great British Bake Off, Meatloaf and my Music Video have in common? aka... just me and my Asperger's...

OK, so last week I promised a full-on Asperger’s mind journey, and that’s just what you’re gonna get this week. For those who don’t know, I have Asperger’s which is basically means I’m high-functioning with low-level Autism. Because I’m lower on the spectrum, the symptoms aren’t quite as obvious to others (or myself, for years) but they’re mostly all still there in their various shapes and ways they rear their ugly heads. Like repetitive behavior (like how I eat the same thing for lunch every day: two eggs, shredded chicken, spinach and salsa verde evenly divided between three corn tortillas with tortilla chips on the side. Or how after a show, I always come home and have a glass, or two, of bourbon and big scoop of cottage cheese. Weird, I know but that’s what I have to do), obsessive/repetitive interests (how late at night, before going to bed, I need my fix of Rick & Morty despite having played through all the episodes at least 12 times, with some episodes nearing 50 views or how I once listened to nothing but Open Mike Eagle’s “VERY MUCH MONEY” for almost a month. Luckily, no one had to share a car with me on any road trips that month…) and difficulties with social interaction/non-verbal communication (how small talk is extremely difficult, but if you wanted to, say, MAKE LISTS OF UNIMPORTANT THINGS or hear me rant about how much I hate plastic and the oil industry or hear a profanity-laced rant about HOW FIGURE SKATER MEDVEDEVA GOT SCREWED OUT OF A GOLD MEDAL AT THE LAST WINTER OLYMPICS, yes, I’m still pissed about that; all of those would be easy for me). All of which is to say, I’m wildly off topic and we haven’t even started… So, we might as well get going…

1) The Great British Bake Off - Season 10 - Why does Paul Hollywood hate Steph so much?

I know, you’re like “what?” Bradley likes baking shows? Well, kind of. I like this one (especially since the reboot with Richmond from IT Crowd, or whatever his real name is) and the holiday ones that are coming up soon. But that aside, Paul continually tries to put Steph in the middle to possibly going home range but she’s won star baker like 4-5 times this year, including a three in a row run in the middle of the season. Why is he looking to boot her out? He even snubbed her a handshake, which is a big deal for those who don’t watch, happens only 1-2 times per year for doing really fantastically well, then had what appeared to be a make-up handshake the next week and gave out a second right after to make it not seem as important. Seems like he was told by the producers he had to, so he did another to water it down. I’ve never like Paul but I especially don’t after this season. Why can’t Steph just be awesome and kick ass this season? Why is he trying to poo-poo her as the clear front-runner? I don’t get it but it’s been bothering me so I’ve been bringing it up unprompted as much as possible to try and uncover the answer to this riddle.

2) Why isn’t Meatloaf more revered as an artist?

In his heyday, he was essentially a mix of Elton John and Bruce Springsteen. I mean, come the fuck on WITH HOW AWESOME THIS SHIT IS. What a voice. I love every minute of this. I actually just had to stop writing so I could just sit and watch this in its’ entirety (for like the thousandth time…). Though it is a kinda bullshit that they replaced the actual singer for an actor for the video because she was “prettier” but that’s for another rant. And he had some other huge hits as well. Sure, his reign at the top was short-lived compared to his peers and most people my age remember him for either Fight Club or as the bouncer in Wayne’s World. And that’s fair, he was awesome in both of those. But artists that burned this bright, for however long they did, should be celebrated. Maybe I’m wrong but most of the time when I bring up Meatloaf I get scoffs or blank stares. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s like Peter Frampton, you had to be there. And if you were, you bought the record and the T-shirt, but if you weren’t, they didn’t stand the test of time for one reason or another.

3) World Series - Why did everyone assume the Astros would roll over the Nationals?

Look, this series isn’t over, though it could be tonight, but I was astounded to see how heavily favored the Astros were. The Nats proved they can hit anyone, have high-level pitching and ran through the National League (including my Brewers in the Wild Card game). Juan Soto is already a star who looks like he got Ted Williams plate discipline (at times), David Ortiz’s knack for big hits in big games, and a swing like Ken Griffey Jr.’s. (OK, it doesn’t really look like that, but the ball jumps off his bat in a similar way and I can tell the kid is having fun like Jr. did). And the Nats have a big 3 when it comes to pitch, same as the Astros. I still think the Astros will win the Series but I always assumed it to go 6 or 7, where the more talented team wins out. Still fucking weird that a home team hasn’t won a game yet.. And, props to the Nats fans for their “reception” of Trump. There’s a reason he rarely ventures out into the public in the D.C. area…

4) It’s Almost Halloween so… The Music Video for “Let’s Go Out Tonight” is back in season!

"Let's Go Out Tonight" by Bradley Wik and the Charlatans

From the album "In My Youth, I'm Getting Old..."

Written and Directed by Kevin Pietila

Starring Alysse Fozmark with Gina McCammon and Jade Swim as the friends/zombie dancers

Thanks to: Jon Fickes, David Solomon and Sara Morris for backing me up on stage

Man, that was fun to make. I know, the Michael Jackson references may seem weird these days, but we shot this just before the new doc came out. I’m not trying to state my preference one way or another, just trying to honor one of my favorite artists and their impact on me as an artist. That aside, my favorite memories of this video shoot:

• How excited I was when the amazing director/writer Kevin Pietila came up with this zombie theme for a song about two people trying to figure it out in a relationship. I was an immediate “yes” and so excited to do something I could have never thought of myself.

• Digging the grave (my own grave, as it were) was way fucking harder than it should have been due to the stupid clay/rocky soil in the Northwest. It was fun though and I don’t think a Coors ever tasted so good than after 4-5 hours of digging/picking that damn ground.

• 2+ hours into and over an hour to get out of the makeup wasn’t my favorite but it was fun to watch the awesome makeup artists do their art on me and the others. I love to watch passionate people do their thing and I got an up close and personal view of that during this process.

• I felt I did a pretty fucking good zombie in this video, raising the number of my acting skills to 3: looking sad/confused/bereft of emotion (aka my picture face. Check out the intro to the “LOOKIN’ AT LUCKEY” MUSIC VIDEO when “Luckey” walks in to see what I’m referring to), leading an unplugged/pretend band in videos (though we actually did finally play a show together last year) and being a zombie.

• How people generously let us use their house and land to film all through the night. I’m sure people had other things to do from 6pm-7am but we’re so grateful for their awesomeness and support.

• Finally, how when I finally crawled into the grave, had the dirt shoveled on top of me, was literally buried underground and got ready to shoot the coming out of the grave scene, of course, the generator went down; so no lights, smoke, etc. Because it looked good, we decided I should stay underground to save time so we didn’t have to restage it. Unfortunately, it took what I thought was an hour (probably more like 15 minutes) to get everything back ready to shoot. But, worth it.

Anyways, I have other things to do, so I’ll leave it there.

(dictated but not read)

Kevin and I digging my grave. Turns out the Northwest has super shitty soil, unless you’re trying to grow grapes to make wine.

Thank you Evening Muse! aka... it's been a crazy two months...

What a great night at the Evening Muse! Thanks to that whole crew: Don, for having me out, Erik, for the humor and keeping things together, Normal Dennis, for how awesome it always sounds and his fantastically surreal sense of humor. Thanks to all those who came out, listened, laughed at my (mostly) funny jokes and cheered/clapped at my awesome tunes and performance (special thanks to Dave and Stephanie!). It was a fantastic night and a crazy fucking awesome way to cap a crazy fucking couple of months here in the Charlotte area. It’s very heartening to think of how much has been accomplished in the two-plus months I’ve been here, and playing the Evening Muse, which was tops on my list of places to play before I moved here, is the perfect way to cap a crazy (and amazing) season of my life. I feel very blessed and will continue to bust ass to bring my music to the greater Carolina area and beyond. If you weren’t there, I’m sure I’ll see you soon, but you missed out. Sorry…

I know this feels like a pretty generic type of blog post, but the World Series is on and mostly I just wanted to express gratitude, and to pat myself on the back, for making shit happen. The world can be a funny place and moving to Charlotte, more or less randomly, has turned out to be the best decision I’ve made since… well, I don’t make many good decisions so I don’t want to say. But, rest assured, I won’t be going anywhere for a while, so get used to me and be ready to hear my name everywhere if you live in or near North Carolina.

Also, next week I’ll be back in full Aspergian force with some ranting, raving insanity and probably a list or two. Goodbye for now.

(dictated but not read)

Here’s Bradley rocking hard… Such a cool guy.

Here’s Bradley telling a super funny joke to a captive audience… Such a cool guy.

Another great show and Carolina rain vs. Portland, OR rain... aka... just another reason I'm so glad to be in Carolina...

Awesome show this past Saturday night with DANE PAGE and WILL EASTER. I had the pleasure of kicking that show off and then sitting back, enjoying a few D9 Brewers Day Off beers and just taking in some amazing music. Wish I could’ve sat back and listened to myself as I was pretty good too, but we just don’t have the science for that yet. Someday. All in all, a great night for everyone. It’s always inspiring to play music alongside really talented people. I can feel how it pushes me to be the best version of myself as a performer, in a good way. I hope to play with these guys again soon. Thanks to everyone who hung out, listened hard (seriously attentive and wonderful crowd. I can’t tell you how much that means to a performer when everyone is locked in. Raises the experience for everyone involved.) and, shit, you’re supposed to do these in threes. Umm. And bought beer/wine? That works, I guess. Maybe people don’t know but the more you buy drinks, often the more the bands get paid. So, drink up in support of local music! That seems like a win-win if I ever heard one.

Now, this might sound strange, but one of the things I love the most about moving to North Carolina (apart from the obvious of not being in Portland, OR anymore… good riddance) is the rain. I get it. Former Portland, OR resident likes the rain? Isn’t that why people get so depressed out that way? Doesn’t it rain for like eight months out of the year? Why the fuck aren’t you sick of the fucking rain after almost 9 years of that?

Well, let me tell you. For those who don’t know, I was born and raised in the great state of Wisconsin where we had these things called Seasons. I loved them. Even, to a certain extent, winter (though I suppose my having a song called “MIDWEST WINTERS” with the refrain of “Those Midwest Winters will suck your soul away” might refute that statement…). And one of the things I loved was rain storms. The sounds are so soothing. In fact, I have my windows open right now so I can listen to the sound as I write this. I enjoy thunderstorms even more, but I’ll take a good rainy day any day of the week. It also makes me feel more comfortable inside where I can work on my computer and not feel like I should be doing something out and about, which is great for someone who is still learning the music scenes out this way and needs to do tons of research/booking online but normally hates to be on a computer for more than a couple hours. I don’t typically enjoy the out of doors, but I actually had a cup of coffee (super watered-down for those wondering how I drink coffee with Meniere’s Disease. I put in like a spoonful of ground for every three cups. It doesn’t taste as good as it used to but I still get that warm, brown elixir every morning and I don’t have to worry about my ear acting up. Meniere’s, for those who don’t know, is an inner ear disorder that affects hearing, balance, vision and just about everything else when it ramps up. To read my blog about my latest Meniere’s attack, CLICK HERE.) out on my patio this morning just to listen to and take in the rain. It was the first time I’ve been out there in weeks.

The reason Portland rain sucks (and all the Pacific Northwest rain in general) is that it’s so light and constant. It basically sprinkles all day, every day for months on end. I prefer my rain to come hard and then get the fuck out (ha!). The rain was so shitty, half the time my windshield wipers wouldn’t even work on it because the drops were so small and mist-like. So, when you have your six hour drive to the next show and you can barely see and the roads are super twisty-turny because of the damn mountains and the highways aren’t properly sloped so your constantly hydroplaning all over the place and for some reason, even though it rains for eight fucking months a year, no one knows how to drive properly in the rain and they keep almost hitting you and you haven’t had any coffee yet since every time you reach for the cup either some asshole tries to hit you because they’re on the phone instead of driving or you hit yet another mini lake on the freeway and nearly careen into the log-hauling truck you’re passing… I lost the point, but it wasn’t fun. You can’t even use an umbrella because it’s goddamn pointless. That’s actually how you could spot new arrivals: trying to use an umbrella, getting wet anyways and then getting aggravated since the misty-bullshit rain is still blowing onto them. Good times…

And that’s just one of the (seemingly endless) things I hated about Portland, OR. Maybe someday I’ll do a top 5 things but I have more important things to do today so… Listen to DANE PAGE and WILL EASTER, drink any beer that D9 brewing makes (especially the Pinch of Salt Salted Caramel Gose) and I’ll see you next week or at the next show. Bradley out…

(dictated but not read)

Michel Gondry is my hero... aka... Some awesome videos and my charmed life...

It’s been a while since I did a music night, so let’s do that. I love making lists, and making lists while listening to music is even better. This week I’ve been jonesing on some Michel Gondry, so that’s the theme for these tunes. These are not necessarily my favorite or my top 5 or whatever but they are the ones I want to listen to/watch tonight. Gondry was always a favorite director of mine but since I own a hand-drawn sketch of me done by the man himself (for real! See picture below), I’ll ride for Gondry til I die.

If you don’t know who Michel Gondry is, he is the director of one of my favorite movies ever (“The Science of Sleep”) but is probably most known as the director for “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.” He has directed a myriad of amazing music videos so I’m choosing from those tonight. I know, I know, this list could just be all his collaborations with Bjork, but don’t worry, it isn’t. There’s so much to choose from, so let’s get going!

“Ride” - The Vines

Now this isn’t a crazy music video by any means, but I do miss/love the Vines. Their time atop the music world wasn’t long for this world but as a fellow Asperger’s, I can’t help but feel for Craig Nicholls (lead singer/songwriter). He is a brilliant musician but clearly struggled a lot. I hope he’s doing better now.

“The Hardest Button to Button” - The White Stripes

For sure, “Fell in Love with a Girl” is the more popular Stripes choice but this is such a cool/simple/brilliant idea. It’s so much fun to watch and was clearly a labor of love for the band/director. Gondry has such wonderful music taste. Man, I remember a time when the Stripes were my favorite band on the planet. They are still up there and they certainly put on some of my favorite live shows I’ve ever seen. It is strange to think of the first time I saw them (with about 200 other people) to the last time I saw them (fucking Madison Square Garden!). What a band. Jack White is truly a singular talent.

“A Change Would Do You Good” - Sheryl Crow

Still weirds me out that Sheryl Crow was a backup singer for Michael Jackson… Anyways, why does the OTHER VERSION of this video exist? This one is so much better and has so many famous people in it (Ellen, Jeff Garlin, Molly Shannon, Gail the Snail, or whatever her real name is, Andy Dick, etc.). It’s so silly and extraordinary and clever that I can’t help but forget about the song that’s playing. I miss when people used to invest in music videos like this.

“Hyperballad” - Bjork

What an incredible song. What an incredible video. Such a sad song though. It’s sometimes hard to listen to. But that’s not the case tonight.

“Everlong” - Foo Fighters

Man, that second Foo album was a killer. And this may be my favorite Gondry video. It’s so fucking imaginative and wonderful. And, it features his obsession with large hands (see the sketch of me below for more large-handedness). I’ve literally watched this video on repeat for hours. Maybe I’m the weirdo but damn is this fun.

“Fire on Babylon” - Sinead O’Connor

A very haunting tune indeed, but I actually watch equally for the video. The childish settings and themes placed against some truly terrifying imagery. There’s some dark shit in here. Takes the song to places I don’t know if Sinead even knew existed. The whole thing is fucking awesome. I know Sinead has taken a lot of shit from a lot of people but I stand by her originality and brilliance and bravery in songwriting and life. Also, never gets enough credit for her outstanding voice.

“Like a Rolling Stone” - The Rolling Stones

Ummm, Bob Dylan and The Rolling Stones? Yes, please. And throw my man Gondry into it? Hell fucking yes please! I don’t think I’ve ever seen this effect employed in another video and definitely don’t even have a fucking clue as to what it is. All I know is that it’s fucking awesome.

Anyways, I’m tired and you should enjoy those videos and the sketch of me below done by the man himself. Weird, right? But one of my favorite directors and writers on the planet drew me. ME. What the fuck? Sometimes I think my life is pretty fucking awesome…

(dictated but not read)

Top 5 reasons why my brain doesn't work so good right now... aka... singing the exhausted Asperger's blues...

Well, this week has been atrociously crazy. Not that this upcoming week is any different. Which is good, in a way. It means I’m busy, which really is to say that I’m starting to make more money, which is really good. Not sure if I used my commas correctly in that last sentence but I’m too tired to think any harder about it or fix the damn sentence. Which brings me to my top 5 list this week…

Top 5 Reasons Why Bradley’s Brain Doesn’t Work Right Now

5) My overall lack of caffeine consumption

One of the things that sucks is my inability to have more than a couple of (watered-down) coffee during the day. You see, when you have Meniere’s Disease (that pesky inner-ear disorder where my tubes can close up or flood and I get to deal with vertigo, excessive hearing loss, vision impairment, increased depression, etc. You know, all the fun stuff…) one of the things you have to do is cut back on caffeine. Caffeine restricts blood vessels so it can spur on a Meniere’s attack. In fact, MY LAST ATTACK was due to over-caffeinating (if that’s a word) and the heat, so I’ve been very sensitive to caffeine since then. But, that also means that when you need a little pick me up, you can’t have it or you risk the worst. Some days, that risk is worth it…

4) Wildly inconsistent meal times/missing meals

Since this week has been so hectic, I realized that a large part of my fatigue is due to missed meals. Being a musician means lots of late nights. But, doing all my office work (booking, poster making, set writing, looking for bandmates, researching new areas, etc.) in conjunction with my music bingo and podcast producing jobs on top of that, also means a lot of long days. All of which is to say, I’ve definitely missed many a meal this week and have had to make up meals around the midnight or so when I return home. Not a healthy/great way to do it and definitely hasn’t been helping me stave off fatigue.

3) Decision fatigue

I talked about this recently in a blog but I don’t remember when, and I’m too tired to look it up. But, my theory on this is that all energy (mental, physical, emotional, spiritual if you’re so inclined) is related so if you are taxing one area, say mental, once it reaches it’s limit, it will start to take from the others, most notably, physical. So, as I continue to struggle to make enough money as a musician (what musician doesn’t?) it makes every decision that much more impactful since it could affect my ability to, oh, you know, pay rent and eat food (another reason my meals this week have been shitty, cheapness). Since there’s no playbook for becoming a successful musician other than (trying to) book as many shows as possible, play in multiple bands for extra opportunities, hustle all day long and hope for the best/a shitload of luck, it means that it requires your brain to actively be involved in everything. Should I be targeting different venues? Should I shelve playing shows for a bit and focus on putting together a full-time band? Should I start recording again so I have new material to promote? If I do that, what happens to my current stock of records? What would I do with that new material? Should I finally bite the bullet and join social media? Should I record more videos so people have new online content to consume? Should I learn more popular covers and try and play more background type shows? Should I invest in my bass equipment so I can join another band that way? WHEN DO I FINALLY GET TO DO SOMETHING CREATIVE AGAIN?!

That is what’s swimming in my head just in the past few minutes. Thinking about, detailing the potential time vs. results, weighing those options, putting together a plan, all in my head takes a lot of mental energy which saps my physical energy. Hence, where I’m at now.

2) Too much “peopling” without a break

Now, most people when they meet me think I’m an extrovert. I love meeting new people and learning about them. It’s fascinating and I think getting to know those around us the reason we’re here on Earth, apart from our special task (mine is writing/telling stories to help people feel less fucked up and alone in this world like I felt most of my life, still do). But, having Asperger’s means that while I don’t necessarily outwardly have social interaction issues, it still is an emotional energy drain (there’s that darn energy thing again). So, when I have lots of peopling to do, I usually try and schedule a day to myself to just crash and watch TV (usually on Sundays to watch football. GO PACK GO!). But, with this week (and the next) being so crazy, I haven’t had a day off in while to recharge my peopling power. I’m running low. But, luckily I have some shows this week which will help recharge the old battery to get me through. But, I’ve scheduled next Sunday as a crash day and I’m really, really, really looking forward to it. Fucking Asperger’s…

1) My cat…

To be sure, I love my cat BUT she’s also a huge pain in my ass… As someone who is out late almost every night of the week, waking up at 5am is not my purview. A typical cycle goes like this: I’ll be out playing or at a show or whatever, get home around 11:30 or midnight, have to decompress from the energy/peopling, head to bed around 1 or 2am depending on how energized/exhausted I am, get up at 5 or 5:30am to feed my cat before she tears apart everything in my apartment in an effort to get my attention/be the biggest asshole in the house (tough to beat me but she does, fucking Catspergers…), try and fall back asleep for a while, which sometimes works and sometimes doesn’t, then wake up after another hour or so since I wasn’t really sleeping well that second go round, say fuck it, and start my day half-awake and half-dead. Awesome. Thanks Lovey…

So, there you have it. And that’s all, folks…

(dictated but not read)

Who loves Top 5 lists? aka... Asperger's brain dump...

I’ve been so busy lately that I can barely think so I’m gonna make this easy on myself and do some random lists like I used to do. I’m not sure if having Asperger’s makes me more prone to liking lists (which is the way I keep most information stored in my head) or I would’ve been a list-man anyway. Either way, let’s do some lists!

Top 5 times I feel the most “Bradley Wik”

This is a weird category but I was thinking about this the other day. Back when I had a day job, I would constantly feel like I wasn’t myself. For example, the aforementioned day job required me to trade shows where I and my colleagues would all have to dress alike. There we all were in khakis and matching polo shirts. Most of it was standing there yelling at people (since there were so many people talking, normal conversation-level voices would not be sufficient) but when I had to go piss, I’d catch a glance of myself in the mirror and hardly recognized who was staring back at me. Neat hair, polo shirt, khaki pants? Not Bradley Wik. It would crop up in other areas of my life as well, but that was always the most shocking. So here are the top 5 times I feel the most “me.”

1) When I’m performing on stage in front of people

I know what you’re thinking. Why multiple prepositions in that short of a sentence? Why do you have to specify in front of people? People are assumed when you say “on stage.” Not if you’ve played some of the shows I have. I still remember those shows in NYC at 2am when even the sound guy would step out for a smoke. Some of my favorite memories actually… Or, you’re thinking it seems strange that when I’m performing I feel most comfortable, but it’s true. It just feels like home and I’m at my most loose and confident. Even my wife notices a difference when I step up there. For some reason, I need people to watch me be me to be more “me.” I don’t know if that means that I’m a fraud in the rest of my life or what but this is weirdly the #1 answer…

2) When I’m having sex

This should go without saying (or maybe it’s different for others), but I’m the least self-conscious with my pants off. Probably because I have other things to occupy my thoughts (or lack thereof). It’s mindless work, which I love as I can finally shut my overdriven brain off for a moment of peaceful clarity.

3) When I’m watching a Packers or Brewers game

I guess those could be two separate ones but they’re essentially the same. But again, my brain shuts off (apart from trying to figure out the strategy behind the games, especially baseball. My wife is always amazed when I can guess when things will happen during a baseball game. I’ve called so many strikeouts, hits, home runs, etc. over the years. It’s one of the few ways I can still impress her…) so I can “just be” in peace.

4) When I’m pooping

Maybe it’s just me, but I find this to be some of my most relaxing time each day. I savor my poop time. There are no expectations to work or do anything productive other than evacuate my bowels. It’s delicious. Also, with #4 being the best and my favorite number in the whole world (thanks Favre!), I had to give my favorite answer here…

5) When I’m in New York City

Yep. Just whenever I’m there. This would be higher on the list if it happened more frequently. My years living there were the best and every day I wish I was still there. I love living in Charlotte and NYC is not the same as it once was, but being back there last year made me love it even more.

Top 5 Movies I Watch When I’m Sad

1) The Wrestler

Years ago, when we first met, my wife once asked me what character from a movie would I say I’m the most like. I chose Randy “the Ram” Robinson. I stand by that, for better or worse. Probably says more about how messed up my priorities are but I thought the ending was actually happy. He got to go out on his own terms, doing the thing he loved and while being loved. That doesn’t sound sad to me…

2) Get Him to the Greek

I used to watch this movie so much that I could do a good Aldous Snow impression and once convinced (a very drunk, mind you) group of people I was actually British. Then, when I told them I was fucking with them, I almost got beat up. One of them stood up and shoved me. One of them actually took a swing at me, spilling her drink all over herself before storming off. Man, some people can’t take a joke. Good times…

3) The Wedding Singer

This is pure comfort food for me. I actually like the fake song he writes when he’s super depressed. And Adam and Drew are so good on screen together. Plus, Billy Idol cameo? Yes, please.

4) Bridesmaids

Upon first viewing, I didn’t like this movie very much. The advertising really did it a disservice. It’s not a quirky, silly comedy. It’s a full-blown drama with some hilarious scenes (emergency pooping is always funny). Wiig is so amazing in this and everything is better with a little Maya Rudolph. I think I connect with Wiig’s character in a way that maybe is only matched by a few other characters (see above) and I like that. It’s not easy for an Asperger’s to “feel” with other people and she somehow brings that out of me.

5) American Movie

No matter how sad/depressed I am, this movie can always pull me out. Maybe it’s the Wisconsinite in me, but Mark’s unending determination to achieve his goal is magical. I feel a kinship to that. I know his struggles. Maybe too well. But, like Mark, I too have something magical to give the world, whether or not they want it/are ready for it. He did it, so can I.

Honorable mentions: Grandma’s Boy (Linda Cardellini singing Salt-N-Pepa? Yes, please. I’ll take two.), Walk the Line and the Bob Dylan “documentary” “Don’t Look Back”

Top 5 Phil Collins/Genesis Albums

My wife says these are the same thing, and since she's always right, I’m lumping them together. I also didn’t realize how much I’ve spent on Collins/Genesis vinyl over the years…

1) No Jacket Required

This not only has my favorite Collins’ tune (“Sussudio”) but also my favorite song of his (“Take Me Home”). Wait, two favorites? Yep. That’s why it’s #1.

2) Invisible Touch

I probably sing along (or try to, Phil has a slightly better range than I…) to this album as much as any other record I own. Truly a triumph of music making and Genesis at the peak of their pop powers.

3) Abacab

I know you might be thinking: Abacab? Seriously? #3? But, I know that every time I put this on the turntable, I get the unending joy of hearing “Who Dunnit?” one more time in my life. It’s one of my great joys. I still don’t know who or how many drugs convinced Phil to allow this onto an album (assuming it’s the keyboard player’s song. Sounds like a keyboard man’s contribution…) but I’m grateful for each listen. If you’ve never heard this song, HERE IT IS. You’re welcome. Try getting that shit out of your head, ever.

4) Face Value

Would be higher if it wasn’t so sad. It’s a fantastic journey and experience to go on when I’m in the mood. I’m just less inclined on a daily basis to spin this album.

5) We Can’t Dance

I still almost tear up when I thread this up and “No Son of Mine” comes through the speakers. And then I also have to DO THE DANCE whenever “I Can’t Dance” comes on. Love it.

So, there you go. Lists. How awesome are they? Yes.

(dictated but not read)